Is it Better to Be Direct or Indirect?
by 
Eric Disco
There are two basic styles of initiating interactions with women you don’t know. One is ‘direct’ and the other ‘indirect.’
When you are direct, you are up front about the fact that you are interested in her and you let her know right from the very start.
An example of that might be “Hey, I just had to come tell you that you are unbelievably cute! My name’s Eric.”
When you are indirect, you act as if you are interacting with her for another reason other than sexual interest.
An example would be asking a girl “Hey, do you know how to get to the library from here?”
Both styles are great. There are times when I’ve focused a lot on direct, and others when I’ve focused on indirect.
I know a lot of guys who are amazing with women. Many of them swear by the direct method and others swear by the indirect method.
However, the best guys I know are able to use either direct or indirect, depending on the situation.
Opening Direct
Going direct is like a sledgehammer. It’s the nuclear option. You are laying everything down on the table.
It super-charges the interaction with an amazing energy.
Why? Because you are risking so much.
She will either be very into you, or she may reject you–harshly.
You are showing a lot of bravery when you go direct because you’re making yourself vulnerable.
Here are some examples of going direct from some great guys I know:
Glenn P will walk up to a girl and say “I just had to come tell you…” with a quick sexual look up and down her body, “that you are fucking delicious.”
Cory Skyy has talked about how, in a bar, he will walk up to a girl and look her in the eye. He reaches down, takes her hand in his and says, simply and slowly, “Wow.”
Lance Mason uses a high-energy approach where he walks up to a girl and, with a great smile on his face says “I was walking by and I had to say, you are unbelievably cute!”
In terms of approach anxiety, I pioneered a very low-energy direct method that is literally impossible to fuck up.
“Hi. I was just walking by and I wanted to come say hi. My name’s Eric.”
It’s powerful because you don’t need to convince her of your sincerity and at the same time she knows exactly why you’re there.
Robbie Kramer from Inner Confidence recently told me about a fun direct approach.
He walks up to a girl and says “Can I get your advice about something?”
“If you were a guy with brown hair,” he continues to describe himself “and a silver necklace and striped shirt on, and you were interested in a girl who had short blonde hair, a nose ring and a cute smile just like that [he's describing her] what would you say?”
It’s great because you can either take it really sincere or be more playful and bust on her afterward.
Going direct is good when you really like the girl. It’s great because she can feel your energy and interest.
If you are not sure whether you’re really into her, it’s better to go indirect. That way you can warm up to her and talk to her a bit more and find out if you are feeling it more.
Going direct is bad in certain situations as well.
For example, at work or in social circles, you don’t want to risk things getting weird.
If there’s a chance you are going to have to see the girl again, you probably don’t want to go direct.
It’s also not great to go direct in places where you or her can’t walk away, like in an elevator or a crowded subway train.
In those situations, indirect can be a lot more fun.
Opening Indirect
If direct is a sledgehammer, indirect is a scalpel that allows you to do things a lot more subtly.
Some great guys I know primarily go indirect.
Awaken uses a great opener “Can you tell me if there’s a place to get on the internet around here?”
It’s very innocuous at the start, but it also allows you to ramp up a conversation without the risk of her becoming uncomfortable.
Lee also normally goes indirect and has a whole slew of fun openers. He’ll walk up to a group of girls and say “Let me guess, you guys are talking about boys!”
Going indirect is powerful because she isn’t put on the spot to decide whether she likes you from the very start.
She can acclimate herself to you and get a better picture of who you are with very little pressure on her.
I came up with an opener I use in very low-energy situations like on the subway. “Hey, do you know if there’s a zoo in central park?”
The key a lot of times with an indirect opener is to follow it up with a few more probing questions and probably some banter.
The banter helps to show your confidence and personality and gets both of you in a playful mood.
Indirect is also usually preferable at night in bars and clubs.
It is possible to go direct, but usually a high-energy light and playful mood fits the environment better and holds people’s interest.
Which to choose?
It’s good to be proficient at both methods of opening.
In certain situations, going direct is by far the best option.
A girl walking down the street at a fast pace. You run to catch up to her. Definitely go direct.
But other situations certainly call for a more laid-back non-direct approach.
A gallery opening where everyone is focused on the artwork. The situation pretty much calls for an opening talking about the art rather than going direct.
Approach Anxiety and Direct vs. Indirect
In terms of approaching anxiety, there are a number of considerations when going direct vs. indirect.
When I started out, I liked the whole low-energy direct approach. There wasn’t anything to think about.
I walked up to a girl, said my thing and if I got rejected, it didn’t matter. I did my one approach for the day.
It was good because it forced me to commit. If she was into it, I would definitely have a conversation.
However if you are dealing with approach anxiety, there are some good aspects to going indirect.
With indirect, you can ramp up to interactions.
You can ask one girl for directions and walk away. And then ask another girl for directions and banter. And then the next girl you can transition into conversation.
The indirect method allows you to somewhat painfully acclimate yourself to the process instead of trying to do it all at once.
When I started out, I focused on going direct for a few weeks/months and then switched to going indirect for a while. It was the best way to master the method.
Posted in Attraction, Initiative and Inhibition, Self-Improvement Strategies | 
20 Comments »
Your Right On Eric… With Direct and indirect… but direct is So much more difficult in my Opinion… Because your putting yourself out there… Which is good… But it takes a lot more balls to do…
I use to go out and just try to do one direct approach… just ONE… but it took me hours to built up the courage… and sometime I wouldnt even be able to do the approach… It left me Frustrated….
Even though I was able to go direct a couple of times a few days in a row even for a few weeks… I realize that I was trying to take on more than I could handle…
Thats Why I made the Choice to just Stick with Indirect first… to built myself up first… Take it one step at a time…
Of Course sometimes I try to Challenge myself and go direct… but just being able to approach and say something is good enough for me right now… even if that something is just asking 4 the time…
Mindblowing…as usual! Thanks Eric for presenting again in your own awesome way what is, supposedly, common knowledge in the community. I have never had this shit internalized so deeply as after reading your post. What would I do without you?!
“walked up to a girl, said my thing and if I got rejected, it didn’t matter. I did my one approach for the day.”
Hay Eric, great article,
I was wondering, can you remember what you said before you got rejected. What were some of the lines you said? e.g. asking for her number, going on a date, meeting again.
I’m not too sure what to do or ask at this stage.
Thanks :)
I don’t understand exactly what you’re asking. I used the opening line above, “I just wanted to come say hi.” And if she was into it, we talked.
Beyond that, there are countless things I’ve done to fuck up many interactions at every stage, from getting her phone number to dating, etc. I can’t remember anything I specifically said.
Eric
If you are doing cold approaches, indirect is really a waste of time.
Do you ask them out in the interaction or just leave it as a casual interaction when you started out.
Thanks
Hey Eric, nice post :) — might I ask you advice for a certain situation?
So there’s this really cute girl I’ve seen multiple times on the subway. Every chance I see her, I look/ state at her, and I catch her looking at me also. Course, we try to avoid the other looking at me.
Well, I’ve seen her a few times on the subway around dismissal from school. She’s really cute, and I think I’m into her. But I don’t know if the feeling is mutual. And I’m not sure what age she is — she looks around her teens, but theres a chance she might be in college. I dunno if she has a boyfriend or anything. See, I’m in highschool, and I don’t know if it’ll work out.
There’s a high chance I’ll see her again, multiple times, on the subway. How would you suppose I approach her? I think, due to the staring and that we’ve seen each other multiple times, I should try the direct approach. But won’t it be awkward if I’m reject it and see her again?
Help!!
Thanks for your time :D !! I really appreciate it. And keep up the good work ;)
Great post.
I have an unrelated question though, where do you find your art in your posts? You have a great eye for aesthetics? In particular who is the artist/graphic designer for the pieces in this post (if you know)?
Keep up the good work.
One of the reasons I hesitate to go direct is because I have pretty much ceased complimenting girls – I think I may be confused and overdoing it though.
When you compliment a girl, that makes it harder to establish the frame where you are evaluating her and she is trying to see if she can impress you, does it not?
I realize that a compliment is really not harmful as long as you change the subject right away and don’t discuss the reasons for it. But imagine that I’m approaching someone really amazing, out of my league, and I’m scared to death. Isn’t this a woman I’d be better off negging or teasing to catch her off guard?
Now I’ve always felt that one of the reasons ‘cute’ is such a nice compliment is because it’s understood to be an understatement, so in a way it kind of is like you’re teasing. ‘Delicious’ also has a jokey connotation. I have heard (maybe from you) that it’s good to steer clear of ‘gorgeous’ and ‘sexy’ because untalented catcallers lean pretty heavily on those words and they may evoke the wrong associations. I think ‘stunning’ is a nice, out of the blue compliment, but I worry that it’s too strong and it will make the woman subconsciously think she’s too good for me. (and by the way, she’s not!)
Maybe another part of the reason I don’t go direct is that I don’t have too much trouble thinking of openers. When I can’t think of one I can check my web site, lineoftheday.com, for favorites.
So could we talk a little more generally about compliments for a second? What is the story?
I personally don’t like to point out or state the obvious. If a girl is really hot, she knows she’s hot. No use it mentioning it. ‘Cute’ is great to use though.
Attack from the side I like to think. Say something she’s not expecting. Complimenting articles of clothing or style even her energy can also be a safe way to start. It’s sort of an indirect compliment that can help get the interaction started. Plus girls love to talk about their clothing and sense of style.
Great post Eric and great last comment schwabsauce!
This is independent of whether the interaction is more casual or intense. I would still pretty much use the same method of getting them to meet up.
Eric
This is a perfect example of where you should NOT use a direct approach. If you use a direct approach and she’s not into it, you will be seeing her again and it may be weird.
If you use a less direct approach, say asking her for directions, and then taking it from there, you can play it a little cool at the start and see where it goes. If it doesn’t go anywhere, neither of you have lost face.
Eric
Yes, but it’s a bit of a different kind of interaction. When you open on the compliment, you do not continue to compliment her afterward, at least not about her appearance.
When an attractive woman gets a guy talking to her, 95% of the time she knows the guy is attracted to her. That number could be less for guys with really good game, but most of the time they know. That’s why if you are up front about it, it can be a very powerful “here I am.”
In some sense it puts her in a different position because you’ve gotten it out of the way that she’s attractive and you can move on to other things. What else do you have?
Direct approaching tends to be a bit less about demonstrating you are qualifying her, even though that is still present, and more about showing how bold and sexual you are.
Firstly, you need to understand validation. If you shower someone with compliments, they feel validated. It’s good to make people feel good about themselves, but if they feel over-validated then they won’t feel they have to try to win your interest.
If you show too much interest in a woman too early on, she feels she’s one you over.
There are different kinds of validation and interest. Physical compliments are to be used sparingly. Nine times out of ten, I try to find something unique about her as a person rather than her physical looks. Even complimenting her on her fashion sense is usually better than complimenting her on her beauty.
The reason a physical compliment works as a direct opener is because that’s all you have at that point. She doesn’t expect you to have anything else. And you’re sharing that. But you’re sharing it in a way that shows that you have physical presence and aren’t being a pussy about it, like shouting it at her from far away or saying it in passing. You are ready to have a conversation with her and get to know her as a person.
You can still physically compliment women. But 9 times out of 10 it shouldn’t be physical. And the times I do compliment a woman on her raw physicality is almost always when I’m in bed with her.
Eric
Hey Eric. I’ve been going out and approaching girls a lot recently. And every time I’m out I feel uncomfortable and stifled. Going up to a cute girl I see is also still a tough one for me, but I’m starting to know what you mean about the physical change that goes on in your body the more you do it.
My question is: Is the path to being successful with women about pushing past your personal boundaries and social conditionings and becoming more comfortable through exposure? Is the fastest way to get good at this to flood yourself with the bad emotions and push every interaction to the limit?
Thanks,
Chris
Yes and no. Pushing yourself is an awesome thing. It’s the most important thing. Being willing to put yourself in situations you never did before is the most important part of getting better with women.
But pushing every interaction to the limit is not always the answer. Another very important aspect of becoming confident with women is being able to walk away from women. You want to lose outcome dependency. And it can be difficult to do that if you never have interactions where you don’t push it to the limit.
Approaching indirectly, bantering and having fun with women and walking away without trying to push the interaction any further can build your confidence.
If you do practice this, some women will be into you and some won’t be. You will end up walking away from both of these women. But your confidence will build from walking away from women who are into you because you know that you could have taken it further and didn’t feel you had to.
You don’t always want to go with this type of interaction or you may never challenge yourself to commit to interactions and take things further.
My suggestion would take a while, a few weeks, and work on each type of interaction. One pushing it as far as you can take it, and the other, pulling back a bit and playing around with being more casual and walking away from women.
Eric
awsomeness. pure awsomeness.
I think this is one of your best!
There is a girl I have been seeing casually. Im sure she knows im interested unless shes a retard. Shes very cute and has a great personality as far as ive seen. We didnt really have time to connect sexually as ive been really busy to pay her much attention and have a chance to hang out with her more than a couple of times.
Suddenly she stopped all contact with me out of the blue. Everything was going great. I didnt crowd her at all, a call/text once and at most twice a week.
What might have happened? Thanks Eric.
I think it depends upon the situation on what method you are going to use whether the direct or indirect. I agree with the points you made with your blog Eric, it is really informative and helpful. You weigh the matters equally and kudos to you!
One more thing, I think whatever suits or works with someone’s preference whether the direct or indirect approach then they should go for it!
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