I can't be very far

by Eric Disco
Jun 24

If you stop and think and wonder where you are
Look up, at me. I can’t be very far.
Big and bright, just like you created.

- Boyfriendgirlfriend

I’m looking at pictures of her and me together and I almost don’t recognize them.

I see me but I wonder how I was so secure at the time.

It’s like I never really truly looked at her. I was always looking away. My attention was focused elsewhere while hers was focused on me.

Now it’s changed.

There’s a brand new attention.

I am focused on her. She got my attention. Which indicates to me that I’ve probably lost her attention.

Or at least it feels that way.

She’s fucking my best friend. I found out two weeks ago.

Over drinks she told me there was something there with him. And I dug deeper.

I flipped out on her when she told me. And later flipped out on my best friend.

It tore me apart, even though her and I had been broken up for a few months.

The relationship had been an interesting one. But typical for me to be honest.

She was focused on me. She wanted me. Entirely. Waiting for my every move.

If I wanted to hang out with her more, she would do it. The converse wasn’t true. Somehow she always slightly over-stayed her welcome.

I loved things about her as a person. She understood me. She was there for me. She motivated me. She supported me.

She was very attractive and extremely fuckable. I liked having her.

But there was always something missing. Like what we had wasn’t enough. And I always knew it.

Until now.

After we broke up, I missed her. I wasn’t over her. It took me a long time.

I even used the premise of friendship to see her again.

Now, it’s different. It’s a missing her where she is idealized. She is no longer just her. She is an icon, a symbol.

Much larger than life.

I see flashes of her in my mind when I miss her. And at the moments that it catches me most unaware, I see a different woman.

A woman who hurt me years ago. My first girlfriend when I was 18.

She tore me apart. Left me bleeding. Even though I was the one who left her.

It is the injured animal that is most dangerous. A woman scorned.

Leaves you for your best friend. Triples the pain. Infects the wounds. Treats you like you deserve something.

When things change, a woman’s love can turn around. In an instant. Or in a lifetime.

And while you’re with her you know that it can change. Perhaps you’ve even experienced that change before.

But the completed heart can’t visualize the position of the other.

It is impossible to see/hear/smell/taste the position of wanting.

From the moment autonomy is gained, there is no looking back. Until the tables are turned once again.

I welcome the pain. And part of me laughs, glad that she has won.

For it is the one who is left in longing that gets to do what is at the heart of what all us humans long for: to feel.

How fragile that zone is. How easy it is to get knocked out of it.

I soak it up and feel all of it.

It comes and goes in waves.

Logically I know I will eventually get over her. Time will heal this.

But when I do feel it, it feels like eternity, like it will never go.

Some trick my heart plays on me.

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posted in Relationships

COMMENTS
14 responses
Nick says:

Should you have done anything differently? Do you feel like you should of? What was she missing from you that you were not giving her? maybe she was trying to get your attention, what better way than via your friends?

Mike says:

Wow, didnt really expect a post like this, but I feel for ya.. I’ve been there before, and believe me, the pain goes away.

Cameron says:

I am sorry for the pain she caused you.

I feel for you Eric.

love,

Cameron

Henry says:

I am sorry for your pain. We’ve all been there, on both sides… and we all know that sooner or later it will go away. Also, I am sure by the time it’s gone it will have made you a better person, I can tell that by reading your blog.

Speaking of your blog, that post made me realize why I think it is special among all the others: you write about every aspect of relationships with women, in a very practical and personal (driven by example) way.

Relationships include approaching, scaling, closing (most blogs stop here), keeping, evolving, breaking up, suffering and getting over. You tell your experience through the whole spectrum. That’s really useful for us and really brave of you.

Congratulations and thanks.

Eric Disco says:

Thanks, guys, I appreciate that. I share this stuff to learn about myself as well.

I am inspired by all the guys who come here to better themselves.

Beyond just how we affect the people around us, an often neglected part of this process is making ourselves vulnerable and talking about what we ourselves are really feeling and going through.

Eric

Andrew says:

Yup, been there done that–a little over a year ago, as a matter of fact. She wanted to be my girlfriend, I didn’t notice and kept messing around with other girls (we agreed to the ‘friends with benefits’ thing from the start), and finally she couldn’t take the pain. She left me, got a new boyfriend the same day (she’d been seeing the guy for a couple weeks prior–I knew about it and was fine with it as ours was an open relationship, like I said), and that day I got my heart torn out and realized how much I loved her and how badly I’d fucked up. I spent the next 6 months having an emotional meltdown. She got engaged to the guy 4 months after she met him (and dumped me), and then married him 2 months after that…this was 6 months ago (that they got married), and I already have heard from several people that it’s not going well, they’re miserable–she grabbed hold of the first guy who paid any attention to her after she decided she couldn’t take it anymore and she married him. To get back at me? Maybe, a bit, but I don’t think that had much to do with it. I think it was to save her own self-esteem, to make herself feel valued again after the guy that took her virginity and spent 5 hours a day with her every day for 6 months kept messing around with other girls and, essentially, rejected her: he implied she wasn’t good enough to be his girlfriend and he didn’t even know it. Oops.

The bright side of these things is this: my god, you do learn, don’t you? Pain like that teaches you lessons, very valuable ones.

your future wife says:

are you sure he was/is your best friend?

Sander says:

These are the moments we all dread and fear. The moment you put yourself, really put yourself into all this, you’re walking on the edge. And inevitably you will fall. Isn’t that what we all fear? Isn’t that the essence of approach anxiety? The fear of being stomped into the ground by a girl?
It just blows man. All you can do is try to get some lessons out of this and just sit it out until your confidence levels again. I feel for you.

Later

Jay Allen says:

I do truly feel, and although I find the overall message of your blog uplifting, I also find it very depressing. I have mentioned here before that I went through a breakup about a year ago ending a relationship I invested nearly seven years of my life into (age 16-23). It hurt too bad to look at pictures so I burned them all, and most of my possessions that had any tie to her. I walked away from my home I owned to escape the city we lived in together, and everyday I focus on making myself a much better person than I was when I was with her. I have dated many other women and had alot of good times, but that pain just seems to stay with me. I have spoken to her once this year, she found my new number and reached out to me after her new boyfriend dumped her. She was a complete wreck. A mere shamble of the girl I loved. I knew that she didnt love me anymore and was perhaps trying to rebound somehow, so I didnt take it further than that night.

I just find it a bummer that you (ERIC DISCO) are in your mid 30′s and are still a bit haunted by what happened when you were a teen. I pray that i do not share your same fate.

Eric Disco says:

I just find it a bummer that you (ERIC DISCO) are in your mid 30’s and are still a bit haunted by what happened when you were a teen. I pray that i do not share your same fate.

In the movie One-Hour Photo, Robin William’s character says “The things that we fear the most have already happened to us.”

The girl who hurt me 12 years ago was the first real relationship I was in with a woman. And when it ended, I didn’t expect the level of pain I would feel, particularly because of how into me she was.

But that is the potential loss that comes with any deep relationship. Mine was only two years long. I can only imagine how it must have felt ending after seven years.

I will always be haunted by that relationship because it was my first. It’s imprinted in my mind.

But I am willing to accept the pain, because without that, there is no way to move on and experience love. Without accepting the pain, I would be too frightened to get into a new relationship.

I share these painful experiences with you guys here, as well as the joys of what I do. Because that’s what this is about. We all have ups and down, beautiful experiences and painful experiences. And even the painful experiences are beautiful in their own way.

Eric

Ben says:

Very affecting post, Eric. A lot of the same feelings are overwhelming me right now: wondering how someone can be so into you and then just stop; idealizing someone and making her perfect in your mind just because you can’t have her anymore. It wracks you.

You acknowledge how hard it is to believe that you will ever get out of this spiral; but you also know that it will make you a better, stronger person, and you will get out. Both are valid truths. It helps to read them stated so eloquently – it lets me know that I am not the only one going through it.

Jay Allen says:

I have a hard time looking at it like a beautiful thing as it inspired so much hatred and sadness in me. It has inspired me to think less of the human race as a whole and I have hurt alot of people since then due to my own distrust. I have seemed to have lost the ability to love, and only hattred stands as my most powerful emotion, which sucks because a girl I have been dating has been absolutely awesome to me and she is everything I have wanted in a girl, and she has told me she loves me, but I cant say it back. what makes it even sadder is that if she was to leave tomorrow, I wouldnt care. Its like my mind wont fully let me experience love again.

Eric Disco says:

Its like my mind wont fully let me experience love again.

I think in a certain sense our situations are very different. In the last paragraphs I talk about how emotionally it feels like I will never get over her. But this isn’t what I’m saying. That feeling I’m expressing is part of the acceptance process. I am taking in all of my feelings.

I will get over her. I already am getting over her. I have moments where it doesn’t fell like it. But I am. I am feeling better and better every day. I can almost guarantee you that in two months time I will feel completely different about this.

If you aren’t getting past this experience after this much time, you may want to ask yourself why aren’t. Or more importantly how you can get past it.

Maybe you have feelings of regret, thinking you should have done things differently or known better. Maybe anger because you feel betrayed or disempowered. Maybe her abandoning you is retriggering feelings from your past, the way your patents treated you.

You are obviously trying to figure out ways to get past your hurt. But there is probably a large part of you that doesn’t want to let go of it.

If and when you do decide that you want to let go of it, here are some things you can do to help the healing process.

Closure. I highly recommend staying away from a girl you’ve broken up with to at least let some time pass and for there to be some healing. But since you’ve already taken some time, you may want to actually meet up with this girl and talk about things. It can give you some good insight into yourself and why things went wrong. It can also take her off the pedestal and allow you to see her as a human beging.

Talk about it. You’ve talked about it here on this blog. But you probably want to talk about it with close friends if you already haven’t done that. You may even want to consider talking to a professional therapist about it. Talking about it helps you sort out your feelings. But even more than that, expressing your hurt is an important way to heal.

In large part, this blog helps me to express myself and allows me an outlet I would never have had. And also helping others is a great therapy. I have a friend who is trying to get over this girl he was obsessed with. Helping him through his issues has given me a lot of insight into my own.

And of course you should keep dating. It’s good that you are out there. But obviously something is wrong in that you don’t care about who you’re with. But anything will pale in comparison to a 7-year relationship. Keep getting out there and meeting new people. And allow that at the beginning stages there is no way you can feel as much as you did for your previous girlfriend and how you felt after you lost her.

Eric

Mike says:

Thanks Eric.

Man, I really appreciate reading your posts. I just came back to reading your site after a while away. You express these situations so well. You express my thoughts and feelings, only more articulately. I’m inspired by your posts because I see a sensitive guy like me who now takes initiative, adding action and experience to the wonderful gift of self-reflection. The combination is powerful and will guide you well in life (as you know). Thanks for inspiring me to take initiative even though I’m an anxious sap.

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