Thanks for the post. This article really resonated with my own experiences.

I was a painfully shy teenager. I barely spoke or smiled and would flinch if someone tried to hug me. And I was definitely prone to this sort of negative judgemental attitude. I’ve realised since that the feeling that other people’s conversations were too banal to join in on was because I was just jealous of how easy they made conversation look. And they were having fun chatting about the weather whereas I was locked inside my own head.

Going back to your article, I agree it is so important to work on yourself first. I threw myself in the deep end after Uni, *scared out of my mind*, and did a gap year coaching sport in australia then did some teaching in asia for a few years. The most important lesson I learnt is that fear is not a good enough excuse to pass up on life. Through those experiences I’ve met so many interesting people, overcome a lot of social anxiety, had unforgettable experiences, dated some beautiful women and now have a career I love in languages.

When you begin to have the courage to live the kind of life you want people will naturally gravitate to your passion and enthusiasm.

Dan

the socialization issue or lack of, works the same for women as it does men. i find myself standing near the group, listening and thinking, this topic is stupid. its bs talk. do i really want to join in in this… in that moment i realize my solitude will do! is this part of the lack of socilization skills i possess or is it that the people are not to my standards.

You should have standards. But more often than not, it’s a trap to be so judgmental about conversations.

Part of the problem with social anxiety is that you feel that what you say needs to be clever and interesting at all times. Whereas people who are socially confident have mastered the art of being social just for the sake of being social.

“What people talk about isn’t clever enough to interest me” is social anxiety in disguise. It’s a problem where one can’t relax enough to enjoy the presence of others. It’s about being able to just enjoy the moment with other people without trying to accomplish something else.

You aren’t going to cure world hunger in that conversation. You aren’t going to come up with the idea for the next great American novel. You are being social with other people because it’s something enjoyable.

Sometimes when you are with your lover, you don’t speak. You simply touch each other. It feels good for her and it feels good for you. You are communicating and soothing each other. There’s nothing clever or not clever about that communication.

It’s a similar communication you have with your cat or dog. There’s nothing clever or not clever about cuddling your pet.

Not surprisingly, the same people who have trouble with small talk also have trouble with physical contact.

I talk to people about the weather sometimes. It’s the most cliché conversation you can think of. But it doesn’t matter. The point is that we are exchanging language.

Stop trying to be so clever and instead just enjoy the presence of others. Or if you really want to be alone, then be alone. But don’t pretend it’s because you are so much smarter than everyone else. Because most of the time, when people communicate, it’s not about being as clever as possible.

Eric

Mea Culpa.

Mikhail

I want to add just one more thing you can do. When you first get to the place that the group hang out, start interactions very early on, asking questions, making statements according to the situation, or something interisting you saw, or happened with some friend of yours, etc.

This will make you practice at making conversation and vibing with people. Maybe, in the beggining you will not be able to keep the confident and positive state for long, but it will exercise your social muscles, and each day you will learn something.

After a while people will start to see you as a social person, they may start conversations with you, telling you interesting things, etc. After some time people will see you and get happy because you’ve arrived. And so your state will remain confident and positive pretty much all the time.

And when that happens be sure to remember to keep exercising your social muscles, making newbies feel welcome, trying new things (yes that is generic purposefully), befriend people you haven’t reached yet for some reason, etc.

I hope that helps a little.

That helped me in this process, and I’m still learning a lot.

Just keep at it!!

Ciao

Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you weren’t discouraging anyone from programming because it is not only an very important part of our economy right now, but it is also a very personally empowering skill that can build your confidence and help you understand many things in your life. As I know your experience in the pickup community has borne out, programmers tend to be the guys who understand that once you know how to bend things to your will, women are just the next step.

i started to get my pilots license this summer since i always wanted to fly a plane. HUGE ATTRACTION, even tho that wasn’t my intention.

one thing i will say is that sometimes and this is especially true when it comes to a HB10, is she or someone in the group will tease and bust on your goals and passion.

for ex: “im getting my pilots license this summer
HB10: “oh really”

this is a shit test guys. she is attempting to see if you really have these passions and sticking with them. remember to keeping the pimp hand strong.

me: “dont roll your eyes at me/give me that look”

StAy Social