Get a Life – the Foundation for Meeting and Attracting Women

by Eric Disco
May 29

It’s often been said that before you get a great woman, that you need to “have a life” of your own first.

What does this mean? And how do you get a life?

There are two things that will give you the foundation for ‘having a life’ and thus building a social circle.

These two separate things are: passions and interests.

Passions are things that drive your life. It is your purpose. It is what you spend a lot of time working on.

Your passion is what you end up thinking about in your spare time because it gives you pleasure to think about it.

While it’s possible to have a few passions in your life, you usually only have one passion at a time.

You find it challenging and interesting and thus focus on learning, growing and accomplishing things in that area.

You spend a lot of time doing it and, in a sense, you are what you do. You live for your passion.

Music might be a passion. Your business might be a passion. Politics might be your passion. Your job might be your passion.

Your passion may change over time as you discover a new passion or lose interest in your old passion.

People are attracted to passion and passionate people. People can see the excitement on your face when you talk about your passion.

It makes you alive and exciting. It draws people to you.

Everyone wants passion in their life, so when you have a passion it makes you contagious, like a fire.

Interests are different than your passion, but equally important when it comes to making friends.

They may be similar to a passion, but it is not something you spend a lot of time and thought on. You aren’t quite as ambitious.

So maybe I am passionate about curing cancer, but one of my interests is wine-tasting.

Or I may be passionate about wine-tasting and have a passing interest in collecting bugs or building model railroads or playing chess.

You can have a lot of interests but generally only one, maybe two passions at most.

Having a broad range of interests is ideal for making friends. Doing activities that involve your interests allows you to meet a lot of other people with the same interests.

You have a lot of conversation to share about those topics and you can relate to other people.

It’s important to have casual interests and not just a passion.

There have been times in my life when I have focused on my passion too much to the exclusion of other interests. This was counter-productive for my social life.

At one point I was very passionate about about music. Yes, I did meet people through my passion, but I had difficulty connecting with people on other levels.

Because my experiences were mainly around music, I had trouble relating to other parts of life. Like a horse with blinders on, I was too focused.

All I got excited about was music so people had a hard time relating to me.

And if I couldn’t connect with people about music, it was difficult to be friends with them. I didn’t do a lot of things outside of music.

I also know people who have interests but don’t pursue any of those interests with any fervor. Passion is attractive, so in a sense, they may be less attractive.

However, I would say that someone with many interests and few discernable passions can still develop a strong social circle if they are simply passionate about enjoying their life.

How to Develop New Passions and Interests

Passions and interests are cultivated.

Anyone who has ever gotten involved in any activity started off with little knowledge and experience with that activity.

You follow your proclivities. You explore. You try things out.

This can be one of the most difficult things for people with social anxiety. There is a tendency to stay where you are comfortable, to not explore new locations and interests.

Find One New Social Activity Each Week.

To start out, I recommend that you go to ONE new activity a week. Research and find something that interests you. Try something out.

Don’t try to do TEN events in one week. Or you’ll burn yourself out.

Always Say Yes

There was a recent Jim Carrey movie called “Yes Man” where he changes his life by simply saying yes to everything. Great way to go.

Whenever a friend or someone invites you out to something, always say yes.

Whenever you are faced with a choice to go home and rest or go out and play, always choose to go and live.

You do not live at home. You live your life outside of your home.

Be willing to go out alone.

If you are trying to meet new people, you need to be willing to go alone.

This is important. To develop passions and interests, you can’t always rely on friends to go out with you.

It’s okay to be afraid or anxious to go to these events alone. Take the pressure off yourself and just show up for a half hour if it gives you too much anxiety.

Some interests and passions are more social than others.

If your intent is to be more social, you are wise to explore interests that are naturally more social.

I used to make electronic music. You spend hours and hours and hours at home alone in front of your computer working on things. Not very social.

Even if you collaborate the bulk of your time working tends to be alone.

That’s why I recently learned how to play the drums. I suck at it, but at least it was something I was doing I could do with other people in a group.

Salsa dancing–social interest. Computer programming–not so social. Volunteer work–social. Writing–not so social.

This isn’t to say less social activities are not worthwhile. Most activities can be social or non-social depending on what you do with it. If you really are interested in writing, you could join a writer’s group or go to poetry readings.

But certain activities have built in social aspects that will make meeting friends a lot easier. So if your intention is to meet new people, choose activities that are more social.

Types of Activities

Take a Class. A cooking class, an acting class, a writing class, a dance class, or a yoga class.

Go to a spiritual, political or volunteer activity. Go to a church or some other religious/spiritual gathering of people.

Find a political cause and work together with activists to make change. Having a common goal makes socializing easier.

Go to a museum, a concert or a trade show.

I’ve been going to a lot of art gallery openings lately. They’re great fun. They usually have free wine and a lot of people. People at these events love talking to new people. It’s almost too easy.

Do something outdoors. Go skydiving, camping, hiking, horseback riding, snowboarding, jet skiing.

Join a band or take up a new musical instrument.

Use your awesome internet skills to find fun events in your area that interest you.

As you ‘get a life’ your conversations will improve. Even if you aren’t camping with someone else, you will still have great stories to talk about with people who don’t camp.

People can tell when you have a life and do interesting things. Without it, your social interactions will be paper-thin and boring.

If you do have a lot of interests and passion in your life, you will have things you enjoy doing with women. They will want to become part of your life.

You will naturally become a much more attractive guy.

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posted in Ramp Up

COMMENTS
17 responses
Zac says:

Agreed 100%. This is the path of pick up that i prefer.

Cause: Improve yourself
Effect: Improve your relationship with others

threv says:

i’m interested in hearing some of the electronic music you used to make. i’ve got a weekly electronic radio show that broadcasts online from WREK 91.1 FM in Atlanta, GA. check the website in the comments & send me some of your tunes.

Lars says:

Interesting article. But if you meet new people , how do you explain not having any friends? Most peole you meet, expect you to have some form of social circle. Some sort of value that you bring to the “interaction”/relationship.

Eric Disco says:

But if you meet new people , how do you explain not having any friends? Most peole you meet, expect you to have some form of social circle. Some sort of value that you bring to the “interaction”/relationship.

Good question.

Its true that one of the best things you can do when integrating yourself into a new social circle is to introduce your old friends to the new friends in that social circle. Having friends is a great way to make new friends. That’s why I recommend that you also leave the option open to make friends with some of these women you approach.

However, you bringing your own friends into an existing social circle is just icing on the take in terms of the ‘value’ you bring.

Ultimately friendships are formed based on how you interact with people one on one. No matter how cool they think you are because of your cool friends, if you don’t get to know them as individuals, the bond will be as an acquaintence at best.

The real ‘value’ you bring to friendships is being able to understand them and relate to them one in one.

If I wanted to be part of a social circle I would talk to people individually and probably make an effort to hang out with them on an individuual basis.

I probably wouldn’t come right out and say “I have no friends” if I didn’t have any friends.  If they questioned why I wasn’t bringing my friends around, I would just joke it off.

Yes, sometimes people say “Bring your friends” if they invite you to an event, but if you show up alone they are usually just happy you came, regardless of whether you brought a lot of friends.  It’s a challenge to organize events and so if you yourself show up that’s a good thing for them.

Eric

Eric Disco says:

i’m interested in hearing some of the electronic music you used to make. i’ve got a weekly electronic radio show that broadcasts online from WREK 91.1 FM in Atlanta, GA. check the website in the comments & send me some of your tunes.

Cool, man. You could check it out at http://boyfriendgirlfriend.co.uk. If you want to play the music on your show, I can send you the mp3s. I’m also open to hearing new electronic music, so if you have any suggestions, send them my way!

Eric

Chris says:

Hi Eric. I’m a freshman at college right now and I’m recovering from a bad lack of social skills from high school. I’ve been trying really hard to get better with people in general, and walking up to attractive girls has really helped me with my social anxiety (which was surprising). I began reading your blog a couple of months ago and it has shown me that you have a lot of wisdom, and you really have gone through and felt the same things I’m currently going through. So thanks a lot.

Anyway, to deal with my social anxiety, I recently joined large club that does social functions each week. My problem is that I really want to talk and connect with the people there, but I rarely ever have the confidence. I usually wait for a senior member to start talking to me and then I open up to him/her until our conversation dies. I really believe that I’m an interesting person and I have a lot of fun things to talk about, but it feels like every time I’m facing a circle of people, I’m going to be judged for what I’m saying, and I end up being awkward and not saying anything. And when I do say something, I give out a desperate vibe because I want someone to approve or laugh at what I’m saying, which is a garbage attitude. I usually feel anxious and upset by the time the event is over because I hardly talked.

This sort of relates to your last post about confidence being like a sine wave. There was this one night where I felt invincible; I could talk to anyone I wanted and didn’t give a damn about being criticized or judged for what I was saying, because I knew they were going to like it anyway. I was so happy because I had never felt so confident in front of strangers before. However, I was disappointed when I couldn’t recapture that feeling the next few weeks.

Sorry about the rambling, but I guess my question about all this is: How do you get out of your head and not worry about what you’re saying in front of a group of new people? How do you get into that state of confidence?

In math terms (this is nerdy), what is the value ‘C’?

f(x) = sin(x) + C
(If you don’t get this, then ignore it.)

Thanks for reading Eric.

- Chris

Marcello says:

My practical experience is that most people have a boyfriend/girlfriend and a clique of friends built in their late teen and early twenties, usually in school/University, and that’s pretty much the end of it. Outside that there’s only a wasteland of loneliness.
Almost nobody will take the risk of inviting in some random stranger met once at some event.
It took me a year to get a social circle and then only because I was the classmate of the sister of somebody (ultimately I did not fit very well and we basically parted ways). Being invited is something which happens very rarely in my experience.

Eric Disco says:

My practical experience is that most people have a boyfriend/girlfriend and a clique of friends built in their late teen and early twenties, usually in school/University, and that’s pretty much the end of it. Outside that there’s only a wasteland of loneliness.

Almost nobody will take the risk of inviting in some random stranger met once at some event… Being invited is something which happens very rarely in my experience.

People are about as willing to let new people into a clique as they are to make friends with people one on one. Some people are more open to making friends, some people less. Some social circles are more open, some are less.

Yes, some people have a clique of friends from high school or college, but at 36 years old, I can certainly tell you that I don’t hang out with my high school and college friends as much anymore. I’ve made new friends and social circles.

I haven’t met you or hung out with you, but in every case I’ve seen like yours, improving your social skills has changed the situation. And when I say social skills I mean both interpersonal skills and also putting yourself out there like I’ve talked about in the article above.

Becoming confident and socially savvy is one of the most challenging things you will do but it is worth it to have people you really care about in your life.

Eric

Eric Disco says:

How do you get out of your head and not worry about what you’re saying in front of a group of new people? How do you get into that state of confidence?

A few suggestions.

1. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. Get used to those socially awkward moments. Stick around. Don’t leave. Be willing to hang out for a while even if you aren’t socializing. I wrote a post about that here.

2. Stand near people in groups. I know it sounds strange, but part of socially integrating yourself is being closer to the center of attention. You don’t want to hover if you don’t know people, but you also don’t want to stand over against a wall all alone.

3. Say anything to break the ice. Be willing to start with really small, stupid stuff. “How’s the food/drinks here?” “What do you think of the show/artpiece/bar?” At social functions you can even walk up to people and just introduce yourself.

4. Give eye contact to the speaker.  When you are standing around in a group, give eye contact to whom ever is talking. Sounds easy, but people with less confidence tend to look away due to anxiety rather than focus on the speaker. You don’t necessarily need to be the center of attention to be integrated in the group. But you do need to be a part of what’s going on and you can show that you are just by looking at who’s talking.

5. Ask questions. If someone is talking in the group, show that you are part of the group by asking questions. It’s one of the easiest things to do. You don’t need to come up with brilliant conversation topics on your own. Most of the time all the ‘material’ you need is right there.

6. Stop ruminating. With social anxiety comes a tendency to think about what you’ve said and what you could say. When you do speak out in the group, your first instinct may be to think to yourself “Oh Shit, I shouldn’t have said that!” Give yourself as much room as possible. The rumination issue is actually one of the deepest issues when it comes to anxiety and is not so easily remedied as “Don’t worry about it.”  It takes a lot to learn how to stop ruminating.  One of the best ways to combat negative self-talk is with positive self-talk and affirmations.  It is a learned process, not something you just do once, but once you learn the process it is one of the most important parts of being socially confident.

To read more about being confident in groups check out How To Be The Charismatic Leader of Any Group

Eric

isidro1104 says:

Great Post… This is an area I’m actually working on right now… I realize that the guy that has the type of women I want has a Life that doesn’t revolve on women…. They have their passions their interest that keep them busy…. If a woman doesn’t like them or rejects them… It doesn’t matter… they have a life they could fall back on… They’re not going to spend all their time thinking about that woman that was dumb enough not to join them in their life…. Also if you have things going on in your life women will find you 10 times more attractive…. Also I think having a life and things to do makes it 100 times easier to approach… I mean it would give 100 things to talk about… you’ll feel more valuable as a person… the benefits are just unlimited

Social says:

very true. is a huge DHV to talk about your goals in life. it also creates a great vibe when your passion is the same as the girl your hitting on, or it will create big attraction when she doesn’t have the same passion as you.

i started to get my pilots license this summer since i always wanted to fly a plane. HUGE ATTRACTION, even tho that wasn’t my intention.

one thing i will say is that sometimes and this is especially true when it comes to a HB10, is she or someone in the group will tease and bust on your goals and passion.

for ex: “im getting my pilots license this summer
HB10: “oh really”

this is a shit test guys. she is attempting to see if you really have these passions and sticking with them. remember to keeping the pimp hand strong.

me: “dont roll your eyes at me/give me that look”

StAy Social

schwabsauce says:

I like this advice a lot, but I want to disagree with one thing you said. Computer programming can be pretty lonely but if done right it can also facilitate a great deal of socializing. There are always local communities of people who can teach you a lot but are mostly just looking to share a beer. Publishing a site like this one is a fantastic way to share yourself with others and learn how many of them sympathize with you. And at some companies, including the one I just joined, programmers get to work in pairs, so everyone in the office is talking all day and you can learn a lot about tact and forgetting your ego. To many this seems like a waste of resources but to those experienced in the industry there are many reasons why it makes sense. Pivotal Labs (my new home) and Hashrocket are two companies that practice pair programming as a rule and they are always willing to tell others about the benefits of it and the best ways to do it.

Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you weren’t discouraging anyone from programming because it is not only an very important part of our economy right now, but it is also a very personally empowering skill that can build your confidence and help you understand many things in your life. As I know your experience in the pickup community has borne out, programmers tend to be the guys who understand that once you know how to bend things to your will, women are just the next step.

Mikhail says:

Hey Marcello,

I want to add just one more thing you can do. When you first get to the place that the group hang out, start interactions very early on, asking questions, making statements according to the situation, or something interisting you saw, or happened with some friend of yours, etc.

This will make you practice at making conversation and vibing with people. Maybe, in the beggining you will not be able to keep the confident and positive state for long, but it will exercise your social muscles, and each day you will learn something.

After a while people will start to see you as a social person, they may start conversations with you, telling you interesting things, etc. After some time people will see you and get happy because you’ve arrived. And so your state will remain confident and positive pretty much all the time.

And when that happens be sure to remember to keep exercising your social muscles, making newbies feel welcome, trying new things (yes that is generic purposefully), befriend people you haven’t reached yet for some reason, etc.

I hope that helps a little.

That helped me in this process, and I’m still learning a lot.

Just keep at it!!

Ciao

Mikhail says:

That last message I wrote was actually adressed to Chris and not Marcello.

Mea Culpa.

Mikhail

shortie says:

the socialization issue or lack of, works the same for women as it does men. i find myself standing near the group, listening and thinking, this topic is stupid. its bs talk. do i really want to join in in this… in that moment i realize my solitude will do! is this part of the lack of socilization skills i possess or is it that the people are not to my standards.

Eric Disco says:

the socialization issue or lack of, works the same for women as it does men. i find myself standing near the group, listening and thinking, this topic is stupid. its bs talk. do i really want to join in in this… in that moment i realize my solitude will do! is this part of the lack of socilization skills i possess or is it that the people are not to my standards.

You should have standards. But more often than not, it’s a trap to be so judgmental about conversations.

Part of the problem with social anxiety is that you feel that what you say needs to be clever and interesting at all times. Whereas people who are socially confident have mastered the art of being social just for the sake of being social.

“What people talk about isn’t clever enough to interest me” is social anxiety in disguise. It’s a problem where one can’t relax enough to enjoy the presence of others. It’s about being able to just enjoy the moment with other people without trying to accomplish something else.

You aren’t going to cure world hunger in that conversation. You aren’t going to come up with the idea for the next great American novel. You are being social with other people because it’s something enjoyable.

Sometimes when you are with your lover, you don’t speak. You simply touch each other. It feels good for her and it feels good for you. You are communicating and soothing each other. There’s nothing clever or not clever about that communication.

It’s a similar communication you have with your cat or dog. There’s nothing clever or not clever about cuddling your pet.

Not surprisingly, the same people who have trouble with small talk also have trouble with physical contact.

I talk to people about the weather sometimes. It’s the most cliché conversation you can think of. But it doesn’t matter. The point is that we are exchanging language.

Stop trying to be so clever and instead just enjoy the presence of others. Or if you really want to be alone, then be alone. But don’t pretend it’s because you are so much smarter than everyone else. Because most of the time, when people communicate, it’s not about being as clever as possible.

Eric

Dan says:

Hi Eric,

Thanks for the post. This article really resonated with my own experiences.

I was a painfully shy teenager. I barely spoke or smiled and would flinch if someone tried to hug me. And I was definitely prone to this sort of negative judgemental attitude. I’ve realised since that the feeling that other people’s conversations were too banal to join in on was because I was just jealous of how easy they made conversation look. And they were having fun chatting about the weather whereas I was locked inside my own head.

Going back to your article, I agree it is so important to work on yourself first. I threw myself in the deep end after Uni, *scared out of my mind*, and did a gap year coaching sport in australia then did some teaching in asia for a few years. The most important lesson I learnt is that fear is not a good enough excuse to pass up on life. Through those experiences I’ve met so many interesting people, overcome a lot of social anxiety, had unforgettable experiences, dated some beautiful women and now have a career I love in languages.

When you begin to have the courage to live the kind of life you want people will naturally gravitate to your passion and enthusiasm.

Dan

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