Feel Less Confident Than Yesterday? It's Natural.

by Eric Disco
May 5

It’s been almost four years since I first approached a woman I didn’t know.

Four years since I began this journey of changing my confidence with women.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and, by far, the most worthwhile.

There is nothing like feeling great in social situations.

Human beings are social creatures. When we feel good socially, we feel good in our selves.

You probably wouldn’t recognize me before I began. I was a shadow of the man I am now.

Still, it’s not all good days.

I noticed throughout my journey, that no matter how good I get, no matter how confident I become, I still feel unconfident at times.

Sure, even at my least confident now, I am ten times more confident than I was at my most confident before, but those unconfident days hurt.

I feel down.

No matter how good I get, I raise the bar for myself. So even though I am way better than I was, I am still below par for me.

This is normal.

In fact, I notice a pattern. It’s not just that one day I’ll feel great and the next day I’ll feel down. It’s that the confidence–and lack there of–tends to be cumulative.

It has momentum.

It seems to follow a sine wave:

When I’m feeling great, at the top of the wave, I am on top of the world. Every person I take initiative with responds well to me–or at least it feels like it.

I expect people to respond well–and they do. If feels like I’ve hardly ever been rejected.

Women I’ve met before are texting me, taking initiative with me. My friends are calling me up to hang out.

I walk around with an air of confidence.

And then it subsides back down to a normal level. I’m at zero.

Not bad. But not amazing.

And the trajectory continues.

I may start to feel unconfident. Maybe I get a few rejections in a row. My game feels “off.”

I become slightly more needy–wanting validation from people. Perhaps trying to hard.

I expect worse reactions from people–and so I get it.

All I can remember are the rejections I’ve gotten.

I feel like I don’t want to take initiative. There’s more anxiety, more fear and what feels like depression. I just want to go home and hide, entertain myself alone until I feel better.

When I hit this low point, it helps to know what to do. What’s important here is that I realize that I am at that point.

This helps me to do the most important thing I can possible do at this point:

Laugh.

I just laugh. And think to myself, okay, I’m at my low-point. This is a natural process.

One week from now, if I keep going, I’ll be feeling great. This low point will pass.

I try to take everything with a grain of salt.

Stop thinking about texting that girl. Wait it out for a day or two. Let her text you.

And often–but not always–she does.

Things start to change.

And the trajectory starts to shift again. I come back up to where I’m feeling normal.

And then, if I keep at it, I will eventually feel great again.

A few things to consider about this:

It would be great to be non-reactive. It would be great if I could be 100% internally validated and not depend on the reactions of others.

Yes, this is a good goal. But it’ s not completely possible.

We react to the world we live in. That’s what makes this beautiful and fun.

That confidence, or lack of self-confidence, seeps out of every fiber of your being. When you’re on, you radiate.

When you’re off, people can sense it.

That’s why it helps to “know” what confidence looks like. You can still be fairly confident on the outside, even if you don’t necessarily feel super confident on the inside.

For example, a lack of confidence could come out in speaking quietly. You could force yourself to speak loudly and act confidently, even if you aren’t confident.

This helps you to regain that confidence and swing back up into the top of the wave again.

You also want to keep taking initiative. Being able to take initiative is at the heart of confidence.

So even though I’m feeling down, I still exercise. I still initiate interactions with people I don’t know, even if I have my doubts whether it will go anywhere.

Or, depending on how down I’m feeling, I’ll pull it back and at least take a walk around my neighborhood.

Do something.

If I can take initiative when I’m down, think about how much more confident my initiative-taking will be when I feel good.

And when it comes down to it, the taking of initiative is the very thing that will get me to feel good again.

Everyone has felt the deep, dark black hole of depression.

That cycle of feeling bad and not taking initiative is what keeps you in that hole.

And you may wonder, why go through all the work if you still have good days and bad days no matter what you do?

I still feel better, more empowered overall. I’ve come to expect these fluctuations in my life.

But most importantly, I have the ability to act, to change my situation.

When you feel empowered, the lows don’t stay low for long.

And the social is always key. There’s nothing like having friends to help you back up when you’re feeling down.

We all have ups and downs. Every person on earth feels great some days and less great on other days.

That’s the beauty of living this life. But it can help to know that those ups and downs exist and are natural for each and every one of us, no matter how confident you become.

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posted in Self-Improvement Strategies

COMMENTS
13 responses
chic noir says:

As a woman I can only imagine how difficult it is to approach people you don’t know for something that you really really want. The one thing I would tell any guy is to avoid becoming too nervous because it makes you look like the weird creepy guy Nothing turns the average woman off faster.

B Dub says:

Chic noir, I read your comment and had this question pop into my head: What if the guy comes out and says it up front that he’s nervous (at least in a humorous kind of way, as saying it like Tiny Tim asking for a handout would be just odd)? I admit, I have fallen into that category (but have progressed steadily out of it), and was simply curious what that kind of statement would get for a response.
Btw, thanks for chiming in, I always like to get a woman’s perspective on this stuff.

Eric, as always, great read.

Barry

jman179 says:

Another great post Eric! It definitely makes a huge difference when you take a step back and just realize some of these cycles are natural, just ride it out and try and get back into a positive mindset, which as down as we get is always around the corner. Getting outta my apt. and jogging usually helps for me, or just go out with the guys and aim only to have some fun and relax.

Good stuff, keep it up Eric

Tom says:

I have been at this for about 4 years myself. Women always claim “Oh we want a great guy to approach us be funny, witty, charming” – but do they really? so I do all that and you know what I have not had a date in months. Last woman I slept with was a heavy set chick because I was desperate. I approach woman all the time and its always “boyfriend”, “your not my type”, “Im sorry but I have taken time off from dating right now”, “your so nice lets be friends” and then the next minute they are making out with the 6ft jerk who just spilled a drink on their blouse….I see jerks and weird creepy guys (contrary to what chic noir says) pick up women ALL THE TIME….women claim they do not want these guys but if some creepy biker dude with muscles comes into a bar and starts a fight – women seem to flock to a guy like this in droves…they may not admit it but they do…I know this sounds crazy but really take a look around and you will see that either its the the beat up beta guy or the absolute jerk that gets the woman…so a decent guy sees this and thinks – maybe I should turn into a jerk or a creep and then presto – he starts getting dates….interesting paradox…

Eric Disco says:

I know this sounds crazy but really take a look around and you will see that either its the the beat up beta guy or the absolute jerk that gets the woman…so a decent guy sees this and thinks – maybe I should turn into a jerk or a creep and then presto – he starts getting dates….interesting paradox…

From the outside it seems as if “jerks get dates with women.” Displaying assholishness vs. being nice is a more effective method. But think of it more as a symptom rather than the actual issue.

Most guys around beautiful women are not “themselves.” They are so not used to being around such attractive women that their bodies physically respond in ways that short-circuit who they truly are. They become inhibited and “nice,” and, while they may logically not want to do so, they start to suck up, kiss ass, and be as non-confrontational as possible.

I wouldn’t recommend becoming a jerk. There are much more important ways to improve yourself around women that don’t involve betraying who you are. Simply becoming a jerk will not get you where you want to go.

Yes, as a by-product of your confidence with women, you will become less “careful” of what you say around women–and this will be attractive. But trying to be an asshole as your first move will not get you very far.

Eric

relentless d says:

Man, if I didnt have the knowledge of the success I had beforehand, I’d be at an all time low right now. The fire I once had seems to have dissipated greatly. Sure, its been flickering on & off over the past months, but overall, I’m really having a hard time igniting that true flame.

I have now fallen into the rythm where my focus is off. In fact it is very off, approaching women nowadays has rarely reaches the top of my to do list. I’m still social and whatnot, never really turned that off, but I know for a fact I haven’t taken approaches seriously. And the fact I’ve avoided interactions is a sign of myself reverting to my old ways…grrr…. I’ve become blinded by other things, and I keep putting this shit off.

Thats no excuse. I know I am my own worst enemy, and I know what must be done.

VooDoo says:

My God.. this approach anxiety stuff is getting on my nerves. I’ve been dealing with this stuff for a month and still i can’t approach a woman without feeling EXTREMELY anxious. I wonder if sarging with people who know about the game would reduce my AA. I took a Bootcamp a month ago and i was opening left and right.. but when the Bootcamp was over, and i had to sarge by myself, the AA returned and i couldn’t even open a single set! That’s insane!!

Brad says:

Funny thing is I have basically defeated AA (this site has helped out ALOT – thank you Eric) but I cant get a number or a date to save my life. Its very discouraging. Women always claim “we want to be approached by cool guys” – do they? I really wonder with some of the chodes I see them with and most have personalities of bricks….

Social says:

so im seeing a lot of trouble with people getting dates and phone numbers. each situation is diffrent obvioulsy. but i had this deliema myself. my solution. dont get the number. its sounds odd but i highly recommend that when you sarge on a girl that you dont even ask for her number. dont even think about it when she is about to leave.

the reason why i personally recommend this is because when you establish a conclusion to what you expect. then your only focus becomes how to get there. rather then living in the interaction or in the present we focus on the future and in turn expect certain events. DONT Expect anything. just live in the moment like when you surf a wave (any surfers?) you cant expect to ride it smoothly with out a wipe out, because every wave is diffrent.

in conclusion let her ask you for your number. dont has for her’s. you’ll feel better for making her entire WEEK by cheering her up and flirting which NO one ever does. =)

stay social

Eric Sire says:

Using NLP and the anchoring technique can help during these lowdowns.

Eric Sire says:

Also forgot to mention EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) as a tool to remove bad feelings and states. Very powerful. Check it up on Google :)

[...] I’ve talked about it before, that confidence fluctuates in cycles. [...]

dave says:

Hi Eric,

Even though someone feels that confidence level is low, he should take the risky initiatives or he should wait until the confidence level is again high such that reaction will be positive, probably.

When the confidence level is low, we know reaction of people will be mostly negative.

Regards,

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