I Will Never Approach Again

by Eric Disco
Apr 10

I quit.

It’s over.

I’m done.

I will never approach again.

Strange words to read on a site called ApproachAnxiety.com.

But it’s true.

It is an approach I no longer subscribe to.

It used to make me feel like I was doing something.

I would gather all the courage in the world and walk up to her.

I won’t anymore. There is a better way.

I don’t approach anymore.

¡ÆApproach’ implies succeed or fail. A plane aiming for a runway, where you could make a successful landing or¡Ä

You and all of your passengers die in a horrible twisted wreckage of fire, blood and steel.

There is no joy in that.

There is too much on the line with an ¡Æapproach.’

So I don’t approach anymore. I have interactions.

Called it semantics if you will, but it implies something very, very different.

Words have a profound effect on how we view things.

I’m also not fond of the term ¡Æwarm-up.’ Good concept, bad term.

The idea is that before you do an ¡Æapproach,’ you warm-up.

You interact with just any person, not necessarily someone attractive.

You do it to get yourself in a social mode.

Nothing is on the line with warm-ups because you don’t really care about asking directions from an old lady.

But then everything is on the line when you are attracted to someone. That’s when you fly in for the approach.

The approach. Horrible twisted wreckage of fire, blood and steel.

Rather than ¡Æwarm-up’ I prefer to ramp up.

Again, call it semantics if you want, but it implies something very different.

Warm-up implies that it’s not the real thing yet, that you are only doing it to prepare for something more important, something that really counts.

Whereas, if you can value every initiative you take with another human being, whether it’s merely putting yourself near another person, or asking for the time, you start to see things in a different light.

You don’t put everything on the line and take one giant initiative to approach a woman,

You take small initiatives to ramp up to more involved interactions with attractive women.

Beginners often don’t feel the benefit of ramping up.

It feels disposable.

Whereas an ¡Æapproach’ feels like you are doing something big.

But doing ¡Æthe approach’ without doing smaller things can be counter-productive.

It’s like stepping into a gym and lifting the maximum weight you possibly can–every single day.

Or sprinting as fast as you can off the starting line of a 14 mile race.

Guys who are great with women are in touch with how they feel.

They notice the subtle difference in their state after saying hello to an old lady.

They know how to trick their brain into thinking this attractive woman is not that much different than the old lady.

Ramping up helps get you out of your head and into the moment.

It allows you to stop thinking about what you should do or could have done.

And when you do happen to find yourself next to a gorgeous girl, it’s not an approach anymore.

You are merely doing what you’ve been doing–with a bit more excitement, energy and joy.


posted in Ramp Up

10 responses
V says:

Yeah, it’s just semantics… but semantics is what matters, isn’t it?

I mean, life is all about the *meaning* we ascribe to things. Excelent post man, thanks!

todd says:

Great (again)!
thanks for the new post.

Spence says:

Excellent article. It is true, semantics directly influence perspective, and a change of perspective can create powerful changes in your interactions. This is totally where my head and heart has been at over the last few years.

Samuel says:


I disagree about your comment on warming-up. The warm-up isn’t practice for attracting a women… the warm-up is practice for ‘getting your mouth moving’ and getting yourself ‘outside your own head’. Granted both those things are directly responsible for being able to create attraction but that’s not the sole purpose of warming-up.
It’s a big generalisation but most guys in the community have very alalytical jobs (finance, programming etc) and so after a day in the office, it’s quite a sudden change to suddenly be having spontaneous, interesting conversations. That is what the warm-up helps induce.

As for ‘approaching’ in general, once again it is a useful concept to push beginners. Once you get to a certain level, you aren’t ‘approaching’ as it becomes an unconscious competence. I have interactions every day but the only time I am consciously ‘approaching’ is when I’m approach-coaching on Lovesystems bootcamps. Whatever you call it, it really doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change the interaction.

I enjoyed reading this article, there were some useful points. :)
Sam x

Wim says:

I do ‘discoveries’ or ‘connections’. Much nicer :) Seems small, but the language you use in your head is what creates your world.

> They know how to trick their brain into thinking this attractive woman is not that much different than the old lady.

It’s not a trick. She isn’t different. She’s a human being just like the old woman, like you and like me. She just wants to be liked (and desired!) for who she is.


relentless d says:

some of my friends say being social isn’t normal. atleast to girls anyway. Especially when they see me go about. Some of their jaws drop in a “wtf is he doing?” kind of way. when it comes to people in general, they say they ‘choose’ to not be social, and the fact they have g/f prevents them from opening up girls anyways.

I live in MA, and I really see that soo many people choose to not be social. This used to annoy/anger/sadden/infuriate me greatly, especially at the very early stage of my game…when everything was a mess…

I like being social, especially when connections are made cuz thats what being social is all about. It really is pretty wild, and has made my life a helluvalot easier to cope with.

Interactions baby, yeah!

Eric Disco says:

some of my friends say being social isn’t normal. atleast to girls anyway. Especially when they see me go about. Some of their jaws drop in a “wtf is he doing?” kind of way. when it comes to people in general, they say they ‘choose’ to not be social, and the fact they have g/f prevents them from opening up girls anyways.

Yes, most people “choose” to live their lives from the most comfortable place possible.

Most people choose to accept their limitations as they are, rather than challenging themselves and getting beyond their limitations.

Most people choose to not educate themselves about a better way of doing things.

Most people choose to be satisfied enough with the options they have in their lives, no matter how meager those options are.

Most people choose to wait around until they meet women through some miracle of God.

Most people choose to no longer learn anything more, instead enjoying the feeling that they’ve graduated and can rest in their comfort.

Some of us choose to look for something more.

What you’re doing is NOT normal. Most guys do not strive to become a more confident, sexy version of themselves. They are content with who they are because it’s too painful for them to look, even for a moment at what they could be.

Keep up the good work no matter what your friends say. And don’t let them drag you down.

Not all your friends need to approach women. Accept those that don’t. Approaching women isn’t the only thing in your life.

I have one over-arching criteria for friendship, whether they be people that are great with women or not: do they make me feel good about myself. That’s my main pre-requisite for friendship. If they can’t meet that criteria, they won’t be my friend for long.


miro says:

People usually prefer to attempt reaching the main goal. This isn’t productive usually. It’s like trying to win Wimbledon without previous tennis experience.

You must break down the big goal into managable sub-goals. You must replace the motive to reach the main with motives to reach small sub-goals within that goal. You must look at things you are not good at and improve them. You must find joy in such activities. That’s how successful people became successful in first place.

Cael says:

there is a certain psychology about these semantics.

By implementing an idea with a different connotation than is usually used can produce different results.

like with women; if you dish out something sexual, you will get the common wall/resistance, so by rewording something, or by maneuvering around a direct idea, like sex, you can still convey the same message, but you will establish a different meaning in the woman’s head.

So is the same with renaming something like an approach. You are teaching yourself a new way of looking at something just by giving a new form to follow. By using the word “interacting”, instead of approaching women, I feel less of a malicious intent behind this. Approach, to me, feels like an objectification of the woman, by making her almost feel less human. But an interaction you can have with both sexes, and has a harmless feel about it.

I like this article, because I have trouble “approaching” women, because I respect them. I don’t want to hurt them, and I don’t want to somehow inadvertently ostracize them.

Thanks Eric.

dave says:

Great essay! Probably an apt title for me, but approaching the old lady ( or anyone who might need me) to help her brings a smile from her that I NEVER see anywhere else ( No, I do not say that men are entitled to having women smile at them or fall into their beds).
There is another word for it somewhere but you cannot approach these women like you came to “help” them.
Miro says that you have to find joy in this exercise, so it must be that
Eric and Lee can do just that ( I am not lying).