Getting Physical – A Woman's Perspective

by Eric Disco
Apr 13

I recently sat down with a gorgeous girl friend of mine and talked about her experiences with men and getting physical. Whatever you thought about sexual escalation and women, think again…

You recently went on a date. What happened?

I met this guy at a party and he asked me for my number. He texted me and followed up and asked me to meet him for a drink, which I did. We met at this artsy bar in Manhattan.

I could tell he was confident with women and dating. He was more forward than most guys, but not in a creepy way. Within the first half hour of the date he had his hand on my knee and touched my hair, all in conversation. Most guys don’t make those moves.

It was actually flattering. It was like ¡ÆHuh, this guy likes me.’

It’s cool when a guy is forward like that and connected with really great conversation, which we had. I feel like we were able to get into some cool subjects and talk about things that were important to us. We were just talking and that was cool but also with the touching it wasn’t like we were just talking.

Did the touching put pressure on you?

A little. But girls are smart. Most girls aren’t so overwhelmed because someone touched the back of their neck. It’s more flattering than anything. Okay, cool, I know where this is headed.

Sometimes it’s good to know that. It certainly makes you more comfortable especially if you like the guy. And you’re not wondering ¡ÆOh my god does he like me? He totally thinks I’m gross. I should just go home now.’ No, I think he thinks I’m cool so I can just relax and enjoy his company.

We were having a good time. He kissed me at the bar, the first place we were at. So that happened and that was cool and enjoyable. And then when we left that bar, he said “Okay, cool, let’s get into this cab and go to another bar.”

We get into a cab and he says “Just over the bridge.” That was near where he lived. I knew going across the bridge was the point of no return. It’s not like we were going to just go to a bar near his house and then say goodnight.

I say “No, I’m actually not going home with you tonight.”

He tells the cab driver to stop the cab. He pays the three dollars and thirty cents that we racked up for going not even a block.

He turns to me and says, “Okay, cool. That was assertive of you. I like that.”

And I say to him, “That was a nice recovery. I like that.”

And then we went across the street to another bar and hung out there.

Did that move freak you out? Did you feel a lot of pressure at that point?

I felt pressure because I knew where we were going. But I also didn’t feel pressure because I knew where I wasn’t going. And so for me to be like “Yeah, not so much,” I didn’t feel like “Oh my god, is he not going to want to hang out with me anymore?”

I thought, “Let’s see how he recovers from this.” And that was more of just a test for him. And he recovered nicely.

I didn’t feel like I was so offended that I had to go home. I thought it was pretty ballsy, pretty funny. We’d had a few drinks by then. It was like, if I were a dude I’d be high-fiving you. Nice job. Nice try dude.

If I had said I’m not going over the bridge with him and he had said “Okay fine, then we should just go our separate ways,” then, he’s a dick.

Or if he whined and cajoled me, he’s a douche.

Or if he pouted about it, it’s like grow up. None of those increase your chances of getting laid.

Is it frustrating when a guy won’t make the move?

I’ve spent hours and hours and hours on jokey levels and deep connection levels with guys who don’t make any move what-so-ever and you think, boy I really like talking to you but aren’t we attracted to each other? And I guess they think maybe if they talk to you enough this magic moment’s going to happen. But nothing’s going to happen if the guy doesn’t make the move because the girl’s certainly not, at least not me. You’re having a good time with him but he hasn’t given you any indicator of anything else.

It’s the guy’s job to make the move. I’m not going to put the moves on him. Maybe in a rare circumstance but usually not. I’d much rather the guy make the first move. Especially if I’m giving him signals that say ¡ÆHey, make the first move.’ Because if he doesn’t do anything I feel like, oh you won’t want to make the first move, so I’m certainly not going to do it.

If I’ve already given the signs, I feel, not that those are universal, but if I am trying to convey to him that he should make a move and he doesn’t do it, if I make the first move, it seems like I’m setting myself up for automatic rejection. That’s no fun for anyone.

What are those signs?

Girls pull and guys push. You’re going to draw him in with eye contact, maybe you touch him a little but in a very non-sexual way but that’s very sexual because any touch from a girl is sexual. I would stop talking as much and try to do more physical things even if they’re eye contact things. Maybe I’d scoot my chair closer to him. Or move my body closer to him. I would make myself more open to be touched.

Do guys miss these signals a lot?

Sure. Some guys do see the signals and they’re too scared to make the move. Or they don’t see the signals. But either way they’re not making the move so it doesn’t matter what their reason is.

Some guys don’t read signals at all and they’re all gropey, and that’s different. Drunk guys in bars tend to be too gropey. They want to be too close to you and I’m like, ‘Get the fuck off me.’

Are there any memorable ways when guys have sexually escalated with you?

I was talking in a bar with a guy and we didn’t have a history at that point. We had sort of met. He touched me in relation to conversation but in a more intimate way than shaking my hand. He said something flirty and touched my knee. He said something flirty and touched my hair and my neck. All three of those are places friends don’t touch each other. But it was in relation to friendly conversation that was flirty. It wasn’t like “Oh, I love your knee.” It was fun like “You’re such a brat,” with a playful slap. So that was cool.

Fun, flirty and light touching in a sexual/non-sexual place is what gives you that little thrill. Like being touched in a place that is erogenous yet totally acceptable in a public place. Like knee, neck, or hair. Keeping it fun and light instead of like you’re my soulmate gross way.

When you already have established rapport with someone, and maybe there’s a lot of sexual chemistry between you, a lot of sexual tension, it doesn’t necessarily have to be attached to fun and flirty, like if you have established something with them.

I remember one guy, there was a lot of sexual tension between us. We were obviously attracted to each other but neither of us had jumped on it. We were sitting next to each other and he reached over and put his hand on my calf. He was sort of rubbing it, not like creepy, just squeezing it lightly. And he didn’t say anything. That was actually really cool. I reached over and touched his calf. That was thrilling. It was breaking the sexual tension in this chill way.

If you were with a guy you only liked as a friend, how would you touch him?

If we were just friends I probably wouldn’t touch him that much. If it were connected to a thought I might touch his arm or his back. Those are probably the only two places I would touch a guy that was just a friend. I would do that in connection to a thought, if I was like “That’s so funny!” or “You’re a dork!” or “Oh my god, I can’t believe I just spilled my beer all over you!”

What if you liked the guy as more than a friend?

I would touch him somewhere in the leg area. His thigh. If I were telling him a really intense story I would reach over and grab his thigh or grab his forearm as I say “And then this happened.” Or get a lot closer to his ear so I could put my head over his shoulder and tell him the really important part of the story. Or just prolong the length of the hold. How long and how you touch him makes a difference, a pat on the back vs. rubbing the back. If you’re a friend you might just pat. If I liked him I would hold longer.

Any other moves you would make if you liked him?

It depends on what hairstyle he has, but definitely touching someone’s hair is pretty intimate, if you can find an excuse to do that and he doesn’t have gross gelled hair, although I probably wouldn’t like someone with gross gelled hair. Finding a way to touch his hair. Or maybe find an excuse to hold his hand, like for a part of the story.

There are places that won’t get you slapped, places that say you’re more than friends. Pretty universal I think. Also the places you hold people when you’re having sex. It’s connected.

What if you met a guy and he tried to make out with you that day? Would you be less likely to go home with him because of that?

I had a one night stand once. We made out at the bar and that was cool. It made it more likely that I would go home with him. We’d already established that. It’s not like you’re not going to make out with him and then go home with him, that’s weird. Okay I guess we should kiss now…

Any times been with a guy who escalated too hard and it was like ‘fuck you man’?

I’ve met guys in bars who seemed interesting at first and then they were just way too physically close without good conversation to back it up. It’s ah, you were attractive 40 seconds ago and now you’re not. It’s like they’re not interested in you at that point, it’s like ‘I want to touch the pretty girl’ becomes the objective. You haven’t tied it to ‘I want to touch the pretty girl’ because I think you’re really interesting and I want to ask you questions and I want you to ask me questions. It’s probably not going to happen.

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posted in First Dates, Sex and Escalation

COMMENTS
31 responses
Anonymous says:

He turns to me and says, “Okay, cool. That was assertive of you. I like that.”

And I say to him, “That was a nice recovery. I like that.”

That is such an interesting bit. Because if I were the guy in that scenario I would have left her right there.

I would have told her, “It’s not a ‘recovery’. This isn’t a game with plays and points, winners and losers. Have a good night.” And then I would have gotten out of the cab.

Social says:

sorta, but remeber she said “I thought, “Let’s see how he recovers from this.” And that was more of just a test for him. And he recovered nicely.”

sounds like a shit test to me. he passed it by showing that he isnt needy for sex or a one night stand. and still showing interests in her company. kudos to that guy.

if you were too leave the cab, yeah thats sorta cocky/funny. but think about it, you prob spent over 2+ hours chatting with this girl and your just gunna leave her. she isnt stupid, that subcom that you only wanted one thing.

Eric Disco says:

That is such an interesting bit. Because if I were the guy in that scenario I would have left her right there.

Good concept. Bad implementation.

There are times when you as a guy need to be willing to stand up and walk away.

If you go out on more than a date or two and she prevents things from getting sexual at all, then you shouldn’t see her again if you are interested in her that way.

Zero-tolerance can be a good thing. If she’s constantly texting her friends while she’s out on a date with you, I would say something to her and if she continued to do it, I would say ‘great knowing you’ and walk away.

Women can sense when you have zero tolerance. They will give you about as much shit as you put up with.

But this would have been the wrong situation for that. She wasn’t disrespecting him or taking advantage of him by not going home with him.

In fact, the lesson that you should take away from this, is that sometimes it’s difficult to read women’s signals until you make the move and see what happens. What comes with the territory is that if you make the move and she’s not into it, you don’t get upset. You don’t leave. You most likely try again in a little while or next time you see her.

Now, if this was their third date and he was going in for the kiss and she pushed him away, then yes, it would have been appropriate for him to walk off.

For me personally, if things don’t get sexual on the first date, I don’t see the girl again. But there is no way I would leave after making a move and her saying no. That’s just being a dick.

Eric

Anonymous says:

Let me clarify my previous statement. I’m cool with the idea of her not wanting to have sex on a first date. It’s her comment about the “nice recovery” that creeps me out. A nice recovery is something that happens in a football game or something. It’s about not being defeated by an opponent’s tricky play. But if she thinks that this is about defeat and victory, then she is in a headspace that I don’t want to be around. Dating is a conversation, not a conflict.

-Rogue (the system keeps posting me as anonymous)

nonstop says:

A good article, clarifies some things.

I guess it will never be laid out as what exactly we as guys need to do, since it’s never a set thing. I guess what we should take away from this is to try always, and be cool if we get stopped. Overall decent article.

The answers were very female though, as expected.

Wim says:

Rogue,

I *completely* agree with you. When a girl talks about testing a guy, recovery, and that the guy has to do all the work, she’s way too full of herself. Next.

Of course, if she’s not interested sexually, that’s her right just as it is ours, but this is something different, this is playing with the guy. She doesn’t even seem to feel bad about that.

Wim

Anonymous says:

Rogue what you need to understand is that women are full of themselves a lot of the time.

Reason? it’s down to them to let the end result happen. sure you can throw them off by having zero tolerance and walking off when she makes her intentions clear but that in turn is also a shit test for them.

She can save the interaction by calling you back or kill it by ignoring that you left.

Women can sleep with guys when ever they want, seriously, all they need to do is walk up to a guy and ask if they were up for it. Most guys who aren’t instantly stunned would jump at the chance. She needs to know you aren’t gonna leave her high and dry when you get what you’re initially after.

Shit tests while petty help her sift through the ass holes and get to the gems.

martin

Alex Birch says:

I think she gave a pretty standardized view of the whole story. She’s looking for a self-confident man who takes initiative, but wants a balance between classy male and asshole male. Makes sense.

The real problem is to set that balance right. Some people suggest being an alpha asshole is a good thing (http://roissy.wordpress.com/), while others suggest it may be beneficial for some men, but not others (http://www.corrupt.org/news/in_defense_of_sound_beta_culture).

Paul says:

Why the fuck is it so uncouth for the girl to make the move sometimes?

And also why does the woman in this story have to play little test games? I mean really? Someone needs to get over herself.

Eric Disco says:

Why the fuck is it so uncouth for the girl to make the move sometimes?

And also why does the woman in this story have to play little test games? I mean really? Someone needs to get over herself.

LOL! Guys, what’s with all the negativity?! I LOVE when a woman has game. That means we get to PLAY. Is this all about sticking your member in her hole? No. It’s awesome when a woman challenges me. It makes me rise to the occasion. It’s a huge turn on.

Yes, you don’t win 100% of the time. And neither does she. That’s what makes this a game and what makes this fun. You don’t know what’s going to happen. You’ve got your moves and she’s got hers. If your moves aren’t good enough, you need to step it up.

Eric

Karma says:

Paul, here’s the TRUTH. Whatever this girl was thinking is PRECISELY what every HB out there thinks, but will never tell you. The only reason YOU got to know about her thought process is thanks to Eric’s amazing interviewing skills. Women will talk about their GAME only to guys who get it, guys who she knows will not judge her for being honest.

So, instead of judging her for being candid, THANK her for giving you such rare insights.

The Interviewed Girl says:

So, I’m the girl in the story, and I do want to point out something. When me and this guy got in the cab, it was under his pretense that we were going to another bar, which revealed itself to be him trying to take me home with him a couple hours into our first date. Now, this guy was cool, but I wasn’t doing that. Period. I let him know that. His reaction determined if we would continue the date or not. His reaction was to acknowledge my choice in a positive way — to let me know that he still wanted to hang out even though I wasn’t going home with him. I thought that was awesome — he wasn’t just after sex.. Which is why i continued the date. Had he tried to make me feel bad about my choice, I would not have continued the date with him, and would have wished him luck getting laid. I don’t think that makes me full of myself. A lot of dating is action/reaction. It’s what makes it a fun activity in which two people get to connect and be present with each other. Try to keep that in mind gentlemen. Good day.

Karma says:

I can’t believe the girl had to explain. LOL!

Well, that explains why women don’t usually reveal what they’re thinking…because guys think she’s being a bitch. So she’d rather just say she has a boyfriend, even if she doesn’t.

Hey interviewed-girl and Eric, please don’t STOP putting out candid posts like this one just because the guys who don’t ‘get’ it have been more vocal in their comments than the guys who do.

Time will tell, this post (‘Getting Physical – A Woman’s Perspective’) will become one of the most useful posts in the world for men who want to learn how to become more attractive to women. It has changed my life.

Thank you interviewed-girl.

Almost charming says:

Thank you Eric and interview girl for your insight. I know once this info is successfully ingrained into my brain it will be quite useful to me. It seems to me that the thing that’s irked a few of the posters on here is that she did test this guy, played a bit of a game. Atleast in that moment. That coupled the fact that atleast in my experience I can’t even count the number of times I’ve heard women say that they are sick of the “games guys play”. I think it’s that aparent contradiction that’s got some guys going “WTF!?!”

That being said should women be aloud to get mad if they don’t have game either?

Marcello says:

“LOL! Guys, what’s with all the negativity?! I LOVE when a woman has game. That means we get to PLAY. Is this all about sticking your member in her hole? No. It’s awesome when a woman challenges me. It makes me rise to the occasion. It’s a huge turn on.

Yes, you don’t win 100% of the time. And neither does she. That’s what makes this a game and what makes this fun. You don’t know what’s going to happen. You’ve got your moves and she’s got hers. If your moves aren’t good enough, you need to step it up.”

It is fun for you because you already know how to play and you are already getting plenty of sex. For a guy who is not getting sex and does not have game it may not be that fun. He simply can’t “step it up” because he does not know how.
Yes in theory you can learn this stuff. In practice there are so many pitfalls that getting stuck in no sex land for years is very easy.

rolex says:

Man! this is the most insightful post i have read keep up the good work
bro and special thanks to the the interviewed girl for explaining it so clearly

willie denis says:

girls… are fucking retarded GOD DAMNIT
i hate myself!

BenNike says:

[QUOTE]Why the fuck is it so uncouth for the girl to make the move sometimes?

And also why does the woman in this story have to play little test games? I mean really? Someone needs to get over herself.[/QUOTE]

Haven’t you read the first line of the story.
“I recently sat down with a gorgeous girl friend of mine and talked about her experiences with men and getting physical.”

Gorgeous would be the word. She can get basically any guy she wants. This little “test” would prove how much is he is worthy for her. And not just some fuck-up ignorant guy who only wants her on bed.

Got it ?

BenNike says:

how do you quote ? =.=

Joe says:

The reason why girls need to ‘test’ us out is to see exactly how real a guy is. They want a man with quality. An alpha-male guy who doesn’t abuse his leadership by being a self-centered egotistical whiny bitch who’ll get pissed off and dump her in the street when she rejects going home with him.
She wants an alpha-male who will LISTEN to her and keep his posture at her disagreements. As a guy, I do want control of situations and lead her all the way to what we’re doing together, but at the same token I’ve learned to deal with the fact that I can’t get what I always want. But the fact remains is that – if she gives me what I want so easily, there’s NO CHALLENGE. and with no challenge, I’ll end up tossing her away quicker than my garbage from the past week.

A girl that wants to challenge me through ‘testing’ is a worthy babe. It makes me work for it and I like the thrill. But of course, this work also falls back on her end too. She’ll need to prove to me what kind of girl she is. Independent, in control of her life, emotionally stable, caring, loving, not greedy or manipulative, and optimistic about life and bringing that positive nature to our turf.

We’ve all heard stories by now – a beautiful girl that’s a friend of yours comes crying to your shoulders about her boyfriend treating her like shit. That boyfriend is ‘testing’ her and she’s not making the grade. She’s clingy/needy and/or emotionally demanding, and her boyfriend is getting pissed off about it. He wants her to measure up but she’s not doing it. So he’s willing to cut her loose and find someone better since she’s not a challenge, but a pain in the ass.

So this is how the game works. Girls and guys should ‘get it’ and test each other out, because in the long run it will help figure out if he/she is the right one for you. It will certainly save you time and trouble.

Ram says:

I hope this does not mean hijacking the thread: my inquiry seems related to testing too. Recently I met a young attractive woman (I am middle-aged) in a party. It turned out we were sharing the same taste in some common areas that interested us both and I was quite impressed to find out that she is quite knowledgeable despite her age. At the end, I suggested her to meet up again and see perhaps we can start a project together. She was positive about it but I didn’t ask her for her contact address at that time. She suggested I get in touch with her through the common friend we have. A week later our common friend (my roommate indeed) passes her email to me, saying she asked her to pass it to me. So I send her an email explaining my idea in more details and suggesting we meet up and talk about it. Since then two weeks has passed and she has not responded yet. My objective is not to go to bed with her the first night or anything too quick. I would rather start more casually and see if we can connect to each other before seeing it as a date. So I did not show any hint that I am attracted to her.
One way to explain this is perhaps she is testing me so the reason she did not answer (hence the relevance to this thread). How do you explain this? How I should react. Should I send her another email or leave it as it is? I am not a dating guru (as you can guess) and your advise or point if view can help me to understand this. Why should she a priory forward her email to me but then not replying to my email?

Ram says:

I just noticed this thread is one year old. I guess I am here too late.

Eric Disco says:

Ram,

If she volunteered her e-mail to your friend, then she was definitely interested. It’s possible she got busy and or started seeing someone else. You never know in this game.

If you did mess it up anywhere, it was probably here:

So I send her an email explaining my idea in more details and suggesting we meet up and talk about it.

It’s possible the e-mail was too long and explanatory instead of short and sweet.

Your premise for meeting up was a little weird. “Start a project together” doesn’t sound very sexy. If you like her, then go for it. Having a premise to meet up can come off as a little creepy depending on the situation.

Instead of suggesting such a huge investment like starting a project, say something a little simpler like “we should continue this conversation.”

Also, this set off a few alarm bells:

So I did not show any hint that I am attracted to her.

You don’t want to necessarily hide your interest. You don’t want to be too eager and over the top, but you are attracted to her. She’s attracted to you. You can flirt. You can show a little bit of interest when you first meet her. In fact, you need to show a little bit of interest or else she’ll think you don’t like her. She wants you to like her a bit at the beginning.

Eric

V says:

Every girl shit tests, but according to most men she’s bitchy only if she’s cognizant of it.

Rico says:

Some book about of body language say, that a man should not at all touch a woman, before she has touched him first – at least “accidentally”.

I believe sometimes it could create more sexual tension, if you only intrude into her personal space WITHOUT touching her. Also, not all women are possibly comfortable with being touched by some random guy, and would get scared away if he moves too fast…

Eric Disco says:

Rico,

The only time it could possibly be beneficial to hold off on touching her, is if it were completely obvious that you could touch her and you weren’t. That’s a pretty difficult thing to convey to her. You could to that, for example, by putting “pinning” her to a wall with arms on either side of her and pretending you are about to kiss her and then pulling away. But 99% of all guys would not be able to pull something like this off at any point, never mind when he first meets her.

You really do want to touch her when you initially meet her. That touch should be some type of friendly touch, something you could do with your guy friends. Women are comfortable with a tap on the arm or a hand shake when you meet them.

By not touching the woman initially, a lot of bad things happen. You show that you are not confident enough to do it. For most guys here, she would read your lack of touch as a lack of physical confidence.

It also makes it much more difficult to touch her later on. If you wait a few minutes to touch her, when you finally do touch her she will feel like something has changed.

By initiating touch early on, you are initiating a physical communication between the two of you. This allows you to read her situation.

Eric

James says:

About touching… In conversation it’s easy enough to do touch the knee subtly, but what about touching the neck and hair? I can’t think of a subtle way to reach up and touch her neck. And how would I touch her neck? Just a brush or should my hand be on the back of her neck? Thanks in advance, your site’s awesome.

James

Eric Disco says:

About touching… In conversation it’s easy enough to do touch the knee subtly, but what about touching the neck and hair? I can’t think of a subtle way to reach up and touch her neck. And how would I touch her neck? Just a brush or should my hand be on the back of her neck? Thanks in advance, your site’s awesome.

Hi James,

I like to tell her, “Do you know the most sensitive part on the body?” I reach behind her head and start touching her scalp, right above the hairline on the back of her head. I massage it gently. Do it to yourself, it feels really good. Girls love it.

You can also just say, “Wow, I really like your hair, where do you get it done?” and start touching her hair.

Eric

James says:

Thank you Mr. Disco. I can’t wait to try these as soon as possible.

Sincerely,
James

Mickey says:

I would have paid for that part of the trip and then got out.

Dante says:

hey Eric, nice for your ideas.
What is the best sitting position, when you are out on a date. I like to sit beside the person, but I observe most girls prefer you sit in front of them.
With sitting in front, opportunities for sexual flirting is quite limited as you have only the hands. What do you think?

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