You want to live in reality. You don’t want to make things up in your mind.
You don’t want to just think you are excellent, you want to BE excellent.
You didn’t get into this to fool yourself.
You have a healthy attachment to reality.
You know what you can and can’t do.
You can’t walk up to a beautiful woman and say “Let’s have sex.”
She’ll say No.
This is reality.
But you want to improve. You want to be better with women. And you know there are ways to do it.
You’ve read about it.
You’ve heard stories.
Maybe you’ve even seen these guys first hand. They can do amazing things. And has nothing to do with their physical looks.
You hear what they have to say. These guys know what they’re talking about.
They know what to say. What to do. How to make her want you.
What these guys say makes sense. It excites you. And so you’re ready to learn.
But as you walk outside your front door to put these ideas to use, something stops you dead in your tracks:
It all looked so good on paper. The lines seemed so clever. The steps seemed so clear.
But your body isn’t having it. Your feet aren’t moving. Icy paralysis moves through your veins at the thought of walking over to her and opening your mouth.
Welcome to Reality.
You’re not an idiot. No matter how many times I sit you down and tell you that you are awesome with women, you won’t believe it. And you shouldn’t.
This is not something I can convince you of. You shouldn’t have to lie to yourself.
But sometimes guys are too addicted to reality. We become too addicted to our own self-limitations.
I can’t invite her out on a date.
I can’t get into a conversation with her.
And so you don’t even bother to take the smallest step of walking over to her and opening your mouth.
Here is a great exercise that I walk my students through.
Let’s say you and I were hanging out in a bar and my friend showed up.
Let’s say he was amazing with women. Let’s say that he blew your mind.
What would it take to blow your mind?
What if he walked up to a gorgeous woman and made out with her in less than a minute? What if he brought her home in less than a minute?
Whatever it is that would indicate to you that this guy is amazing with women, I want you to think of it in your head.
Next, I want you to describe this guy. How would you describe him? I want you to use your own words.
You might say “That guy is a bad-ass.”
You might say “That guy is charming and outgoing and suave.”
You might say “That guy is fucking amazing.”
Picture this guy and write down how you would describe him in your head.
The next thing I do with my students is have them walk up to women and ask for directions. Just that.
Then when they come back, I have them tell me, in their own language, using the words they described the great guy with, how awesome they are.
So maybe the student would come back and say “I’m bad-ass.” Or “I’m fucking amazing.”
Sometimes the student feels good saying it. Other times, it’s frustrating.
Because he doesn’t just want to describe his interaction as “fucking awesome” when he knows it’s not. There were a million things he could have done differently.
And the end-result wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t make out with this girl. He didn’t take her on an instant date.
How awesome is that?
Well it is awesome, because he took initiative in the first place.
Guys with social anxiety are extremely self-critical.
Self-criticism is good.
Being able to honestly look at yourself and decide where you can improve is important.
But there needs to be a balance.
That approach anxiety you’re feeling is a result of too much self-criticism.
You can’t even get your feet moving and you’re already criticizing your walk, your talk, your posture, not to mention what you say, how you say it, when you say it, whether you said it the right way, blah blah blah blah blahÂ¡Ã„.
You’re too good at criticizing yourself right now.
So the first step is learning how to give yourself positive self-talk before you start to criticize yourself.
Once you begin to do that, you gain the emotional capacity to criticize yourself in a positive way.
Doing this helps you grow rather than tear yourself down.
You don’t need any more chastising. You already do that pretty well.
Right now, you need to hear someone say “You’re fucking amazing”.
And the best person to say that is you.
Start now. Next time you talk to someone, no matter who it is, walk away from the person saying something awesome about yourself.
Pick the words well. It’s easier if you picture how you would describe someone who you think would be awesome.
And use those words on yourself.
Once you begin to do this consistently, you have less anxiety going to talk to someone, because you know someone on the other side will be there to say “You’re fucking awesome.”
This is reality. It’s called confidence. And it’s built every time you do this.