Ten Tips for Killer Eye Contact

by Eric Disco
Oct 21

Eye Contact. It is a topic for which there is a staggering amount of confusing advice. And for good reason.

Someone can teach you how to physically walk up to a woman, what to verbally say in a conversation and even, to a certain extent, how to touch her.

But it is very difficult to teach guys how to do things with their eyes. I’m good friends with one of the best guys in the world when it comes to women, Cory Skyy. He does most of his pickup with eye contact alone.

But very little of what he teaches is the actual mechanics of eye contact. It’s too complicated and relies so heavily on inner game, which he does teach.

Eye contact is closely related to approach anxiety in that for shy guys, it comes down to one thing: conflict avoidance.

One of the hallmarks of social anxiety is eye gaze avoidance. Numerous studies support this. People with social anxiety tend to have difficulty holding eye contact.

My friend Kelvin, who has dealt with social anxiety for years, talks about his aversion to eye contact.

“I have always had difficulty looking people in the eye. I don’t remember being traumatized in any particular way involving eye contact, but I always had a very, very hard time looking people in the eye.”

“I associate looking people in the eye with people being really, really mad at me. I feel intimidated, like they are either judging me really, really hard, or they are about ready to punch me. That is just kind of my gut reaction any time I look someone in the eye, unless they are just super smiley or super upbeat.”

Eye contact is intrinsically tied to confidence. It is in our biology. When conflicts occur, animals “display” themselves in order to show dominance.

When displaying in a conflict, an animal will assess his opponent and himself. If he perceives his opponent to be more dominant, he gives way.

This allows rank order to form. Rank hierarchy is a necessary evil among animals to reduce conflict and allow for animals with competing interests to co-exist in relative harmony.

When an animal “gives way,” he signals to the other that he is submissive. These submissive signals are stereotyped for any given species and are surprisingly consistent on up through the evolutionary chain.

In The Evolution of Depression, Paul Gilbert notes

The beginnings of our story go back a long way. Both reptiles and birds form ranks which result in ownership of a breeding territory. When contests for territory occur, there is a particular kind of interactional display. First, the contestants face each other and stand erect, stiff-legged, and/or puff themselves up; they engage in what is called ritualistic agonistic behavior. This may be a stand-off situation and still occurs in humans, such as standing erect and meeting eye gaze, especially when there is to be a physical contest (e.g., in boxing, wrestling, and American football perhaps). To maintain eye gaze in such situations is to show a lack of fear. This is a very primitive power signal. It allows the individual to work out if the contestant facing them is stronger or weaker and then respond appropriately. It’s quite important that the animal gets that judgment of comparative strength correct, not only to avoid getting into or prolonging dangerous fights, but also to contest those situations that it could win and be socially successful in.

So how do you get better at eye contact?

As you improve your inner game and build confidence through approaching women, your eye contact will naturally improve.

Until then, here are ten tips to focus on.

1. When you make eye contact with a woman you don’t know, let her look away first. Practice holding eye contact with people longer. Start with your friends. Then start giving more eye contact to strangers. If you meet eyes with a woman, try to let her look way before you do.

2. When you break eye contact, don’t look back for a fraction of a second. People with low-confidence tend to look at a person, look away, and then look back again momentarily. This is a “checking” motion. It shows neediness because you are checking to see what the other person is doing rather than being confident in yourself.

3. Relax and have a pleasant look on your face. When you do make eye contact with someone lighten up your face. Put on a hint of a smile or at least relax your face as much as possible. You want it to look warm, inviting and pleasant, perhaps how it would look if you were talking to a friend. If women are getting creeped out or always looking away, it’s likely you are too intense. To ease up on the intensity when you make eye contact, try looking gently past her, as if you are looking at the space behind her rather than staring her in the eyes.
4. Give as much eye contact as possible when in conversation. When you are in a conversation and the other person is talking, look them in the eye 100% of the time. It’s okay to look away a bit more if you’re talking–but don’t drift off for too long. When you are talking, look the other person in the eye 70-100% of the time. It’s also okay to look away when you are joking around with her or teasing her.

5. When in a group, always look at whom ever is speaking. You don’t always have to be the center of attention. It’s okay to give other people the spotlight. But you want to make sure that you look at whom ever is speaking at the time. If you are looking elsewhere, you come across as reclusive and disengaged.

6. Getting eye contact is about what you do with your whole body. How much eye contact you get from women will have more to do with your body language than the way you move your eyes. If you are walking with a confident swagger, you will get more eye contact. Women notice you from a mile away, probably before you even notice them. And what they see is how you move. They see how you carry yourself.

I like to visualize that I own the place, that I’m walking around making sure everyone is having fun. I also sometimes visualize that I’m a police officer, that I own the road and I’m looking past all these civilians for something important. Basically the idea is that you are a very important person.

7. Get Comfortable Being Seen. Eye contact is dependent more on how you react to people when they look at you, rather than how you look at other people. Confident guys are normally the leaders of their group. Everyone in the group is looking to them to see what’s going to happen next. The confident guys absorbs the gaze of those around him. He enjoys it. You can practice getting comfortable being seen by taking up a lot of space.

When walking I like to visualize is that I’m not letting people get past me on the sidewalk. How would you walk if you didn’t want people to pass you? You would make yourself bigger. When I walk into a room, I walk through the center of it, even if it’s empty. If I’m sitting with a group of people, I opt for the middle of the group.

8. Keep your eyes at the horizon level or above as opposed to looking down. Looking down is associated with shame and deference to a superior. Picture children when they get in trouble and an adult is yelling at them. They hang their head in shame and look down. You want to do the opposite of this. Try to keep your gaze at the horizon level or above. Particularly when you break eye contact with people, don’t look down, look to the either side.

9. When approaching a woman, don’t stare at her. When walking over to a woman to talk to her, try not to focus too much on her. This is simply because it’s intimidating. She can feel you staring at her and it puts her defenses up. When I approach, I act as if I were looking around for something and am about to ask her for directions. Even if she’s not looking directly at you, she can still feel someone’s eye gaze on her and it may freak her out. You definitely want to give her eye contact when you get to her. But try looking away for a bit before you get to her.

10. Do not wait for eye contact to approach. If I waited for eye contact before I approached, I would never approach anyone. I was never good at the eye contact game and I approached and dated many many women. I began to get a lot more eye contact after I started approaching. The approaching made me confident and women could sense that. They were attracted to that. Learn as much as you can about eye contact but don’t rely on it. If you are still learning the signals you will still need to approach to find out if you are reading the signals correctly.

There are really no hard and fast rules when it comes to eye contact. Try some different things and see what works for you. Every person is different.

-----------------

posted in Body Language

COMMENTS
21 responses
M. says:

I’ve had some interesting results in the past 2 weeks while playing with eye contact.

One particular situation happened on Saturday when I passed a group of people on a zebra crossing and one girl caught my eye and we maintained solid eye contact while passing each other. When I got to the other side I stopped, turned around and looked, so did she. I smiled, still looking her in the eyes, she smiled – then I walked away. My excuse for not going up and talking – I was going somewhere with someone and it’d be rude to abandon them. Great confidence boost too! :)

Anonymous says:

This explains some of the trouble I’ve been having with eye contact. Thanks, Eric!

JayAllen says:

Lately in my romantic conquests, I live and die by eye contact. This post re-enstated alot of my prior knowledge, and some new points such as Dont look back right away after the initial eye contact. I think I was doing this. I also have noticed the eye contact game works better in laid back bars versus college age clubs.

~J~

jack says:

that was great but what is the difference between staring and eye contact?

Eric Disco says:

that was great but what is the difference between staring and eye contact?

Great question.

She can sense you looking at her even when she isn’t looking directly at you. It’s okay to check her out briefly when she’s not looking at you, but don’t spend a lot of time looking at her when she’s not looking at you. If you do, the eye contact becomes staring.

Along these lines, if you meet eyes and she looks away, you probably want to look away shortly after that as well.

Eye contact is an interactive process. Staring is just looking for the sake of personal gratification, to check her out, or checking to see if she’s looking back.

Staring implies that there’s an intensity there that shows you are oblivious to your own presence. If you are staring at her you don’t care what she does, you’ll just keep looking.

With eye contact you are aware of your own presence.  You are aware of your own sexuality and how it is affecting her.  You would be more subtle about how you look and what you do with your eyes.

As a shy guy, you may feel like you’re staring even if you’re not.  As I said, you may want to practice looking at people for longer than you normally would.  I would say it’s okay to look at someone for a few seconds regardless of what they’re doing.  But just be aware of your own presence and how it affects other people.

Eric

Maverick says:

Duudee ur right on .. I used to use eye contact mostly without even knowing there was a thing as eye contact game ( though I guess I suspected there should be ) . Your observations and suggestions really match with the responses I’ve received and I’d recommend any guy trying this to try to keep all ur points in mind ,

I’ve learned most of the things about eye contact the hard way ie. by experimenting .. and it took quite a while . When I started out ,the very thought of maintaining eye contact gave me creeps but now I’m much more comfortable and rely quite a lot on it .

The responses I get really surprise me and I would never have imagined that one can get so much done just by eye contact , It really conveys a lot .
Just maintaining eye contact and having a good posture is a great way to start increasing one’s confidence even though it may seem akward at first .

congressman says:

GREAT post. Filled in a few missing pieces for me. Thanks.

MARC says:

You know whattt ?? i dont like walking in downtown or place like that in big city because its like 7 women on 10 wear sunglasses so i never see her eyes its really not good i love to see Eyes not Big Sunglasses its really ugly and it hide the eyes thats ugly style really i dont like that

so i hope women be natural thats the word i like

be natural :)

Alen says:

Most of the articles in using eye contact assume right upfront that the other person reciprocates. However, Most of the time women don’t look back just because the guys looks. So my question is what does a guy do when he’s ignored and what’s an accpetable percentage of women that would reciprocate the guys eye contact…which suggests a good interest level.

Eric Disco says:

Most of the articles in using eye contact assume right upfront that the other person reciprocates. However, Most of the time women don’t look back just because the guys looks. So my question is what does a guy do when he’s ignored and what’s an accpetable percentage of women that would reciprocate the guys eye contact…which suggests a good interest level.

I don’t assume that women are giving you eye contact, which is why I wrote point #6. Women will give a guy eye contact based on how confident the guy is acting. When you change your body language, you begin to get more eye contact. Your look and style are also an important factor in getting women’s interest.

Point #10 is also important. Don’t wait to get eye contact from women before you interact with them, or you may wait forever. Just by taking initiative and interacting with people, you will become more confident and that will change the way you carry yourself. You will begin to get more eye contact after that.

picky-picasso says:

Also, @Alen, it sounds like you could have a more positive view: “what does a guy do when he’s ignored?” I could give you at least 10 reasons she’s not looking back at you without ever thinking of being ‘ignored.’

shy; didn’t notice; really thinks your hot; her boyfriend is looking at her; her friend is going to judge her; her friend is more attractive and will steal you if she looks; she’s scared; she thinks you’re going to make fun of her; afraid you might be a chatty person and she’s not; thinks you’re republican and she couldn’t keep up; doesn’t want to seem like a slut; guys are always falling in love with her, and she doesn’t want to lead you on; she’s already been looking at you and thinks you ignored her; she knows you and assumes you don’t want to talk to her; she knows your girlfriend; her boyfriend is a friend of yours; she’s shoplifting; she just had eye surgery; . . .

pp

Alen says:

ok,

Now…I’m facing an interesting challenge with regards to ethnicity (not to make any excuses but to give the straight dope). All ethnicities naturally feel more comfortable with others of similar background…it’s only natural. I have dated white girls but get this… in all cases their last boyfriends had a similar background to mine which means they have prior experiences/exposure.

I’m from Armenia and grew up in a small town in Canada and have only been attracted to Caucasian women…it’s not a fetish…it’s very real.

So based on what I mentioned How can I overcome the stereotypes and know when I’m not being considered because of my background…

Good advice on eye contact. Because the conventional wisdom among evolutionary biologists is that 90% of romantic interactions are initiated by the woman – indirectly, by her giving a come hither look. I read a book saying that guys who approached without getting this invitation were just ‘playing the odds’ and that it was a very ineffectual strategy. Bullshit. The community overturns conventional wisdom, and thank god.

Walter says:

The eye contact rules apply after the initial pickup as well and during the seduction process as well.

I liked the pointers on eye contact during conversation – I find myself looking away at times while I’m talking, more to collect my thoughts.

Good points to keep in mind though, and I’ll put them to good use this week!

-Walter

joe102 says:

Where I come from, I was taught that it’s rude to look straight into another person’s eye. It’s really hard to break this habit but I’m doing it slowly and is getting better and I notice too that eye contact is key.

One time I was at an electronic store talking to this male saleman and I notice behind him was a very very cute sale girl. She was busy talking to her coworker. While talking to the saleman I couldn’t helped but to have a look at her and I notice that her eyes were locked on me while she was talking to her coworker. Not to be rude to the saleman so I turned my attention to him but after a few seconds I looked at the girl again and my god, her eyes were still on me, she didn’t look away! This is new to me because I don’t normally look at girls in the eyes and I was not aware that most of them looked at me UNTIL I started looking at them.

That was one experience. Now here’s the second experience:

I was walking and ahead of me were a group of girls (on my left side). As I walked I caught one girl looking at me straight into the eye and so I decided to be a little crazy and lock my eyes on her to see who will lose the eye contest, she passed me and I turned my head around and she did the same! Then I stopped and just looked at her and she was giggling and walked away with her group into the crowd. While I stood there expressionless.

Now I learn that it’s not rude to look into another person’s eye but FUN to do so!

teevee says:

Eye contact rules. I think I read somewhere that strong eye contact was the first step towards the confidence you need to be good at pickup and simply in life as well.

I can now walk into a room and give everyone strong eyecontact. In my training I teach people to look people in the eyes long enough to make note of their eye color. This keeps it long enough to make your ever so subtle statement.

Now it amazes me how far people will go to make sure they do not even look in your direction. They almost walk into walls to avoid me. We are some strange creatures.

BFG says:

Its just that, a player should poses a powerful innate game better known as “The mindset” that is rather analogous to a computer program that, the best and in fact, the purchasable way to get the mindset at speed is to buy the Magnetic Mindset course by Cory Skky. The only catch in it is that, for the Magnetic Mindset to work you should also understand why it does so since, if otherwise then, the effects of the mindset can get influenced turning mainly form your suppressed drives. In that case, its better to view more inner game modules from other seduction community inner circle and master members such as Hypnotica, Ross Jeffries, Mark Cunningham, David Shade, Daniel Rose and Dave Ricker. I do believe that, seduction is based on status and seductivity so, status in particular is important for attraction.

fred says:

how can I accomplish this i feel to nervous i really feel like i was getting there when I do not have good eye contact and i keep looking what do i do

Fred says:

sorry my last comment didnt make sense please get back to me. I have gone through great eye contact to no eye contact. I feel like i pre expect that i wont have good eye contact and thats what happens. When i dont have good eye contact the conversation is not the same. The girl doesnt want to talk to me as much. How do I deal with that. I feel like I am trying so hard to get back to that great eye contact so we can continue with the great conversation. I have been looking to speak to someone like you for a long time. Please get back to me.

Rico says:

Is there any meaning in HOW LONG it takes for the woman to break my eye contact? Maybe the quicker, the better?

Sometimes they look down immediatly after I look at them. Other times, they reciprocate for a while, then usually just look to the side, so it doesn’t seem to be properly broken. Especially if a woman is trying to catch MY eye first and I then look at her, she often wouldn’t break the eye contact for 3 seconds or more, until it becomes kind of staring…

Nick says:

Great post. A lot of guys underestimate how powerful good eye contact can be. It conveys a lot about you, including your confidence and even intention. Giving a girl what I call “sexy eyes” can really get things going.

LEAVE A COMMENT