Hesitation is the Mind Killer

by Eric Disco
Aug 27

You can tell exactly how things will go just by watching him walk toward her.

“Go say hi to her,” I tell him.

He’s a tall, exceptionally good-looking guy with hair parted straight down the middle.

He looks across the bookstore at her. I can see his expression change from normal to tense as he says “Okay.”

He starts to think.

And think.

He sees me looking at him. “Okay,” he says again five seconds later.

He starts to walk. It’s a death march. He’s going slowly with his eyes fixed on her.

Just as he gets near her, he loops around and comes back.

“Give me a minute,” he says.

There’s a very simple rule in pickup, probably one of the first rules guys learn.

It’s called the 3-second rule: if you see a girl, don’t wait more than three seconds to approach her.

This rule is one of the most important rules when it comes to approach anxiety. The longer you wait before you walk up and talk to that girl, the more your anxiety builds and builds and builds.

You wait long enough and it is almost certain the approach will fail.

She can tell when you’ve waited ten seconds or twenty seconds or two minutes before you approach her.

How can she tell? Is she telepathic?

No. It’s written all over your body.

The tension is everywhere. There is apprehension in your voice. You’re faltering. You are thinking at a billion miles an hour.

Ah, thinking. If we could only turn off that deluge of thoughts that comes in like a firehose and drenches our confidence.

Conversely, if you approach her before you have time to think, your nervousness is at a minimum. You don’t have time to “brace yourself.”

Your braced readiness is what causes you to fail. You become shut off, self-protective and anticipatory of a bad reaction?all the hallmarks of the guy with social anxiety.

You end up closed off and unintelligent, instead of open, exploratory, welcoming and fun–exactly how you want her to be with you.

A lot of my best approaches happened when I wasn’t even expecting myself to do it. All of a sudden I was talking to her.

In studies of school children, it was determined that the time it takes for them to approach each other was the number one factor in determining social success.

“Asendorpf developed an observational system for coding children’s contact initiation behaviors. The category most closely related to dispositional shyness was the percentage of observed “wait-and-hover” among all initiations, defined as “the child approaches the physical proximity of a partner, stops, and observes the activity of the partner for at least 3 seconds without speaking”. Here, watching occurs within a self-interrupted approach.” (Jens Asendorpf, 1985)

It is no coincidence that the 3-second rule and Asendorpf’s study honed in on three seconds as an appropriate time frame within which the approach will succeed.

There is also a strong correlation to another important part of becoming uninhibited and successful with women: spontaneity.

Even within interactions when we become fearful and non-spontaneous, the interaction suddenly becomes dreadful and boring for her.

One of the best things you can do for yourself is practice getting better at approaching women immediately.

If you are unable to do a full-on approach immediately upon noticing the woman, you can practice at least engaging women when you see them.

You see a hot woman. Not ready to approach? Immediately go up and ask her for directions.

“Which way to the bathroom?” if you’re in a bar. “Do you know how to get to the library” out on the streets.

Don’t worry about getting a good reaction out of her. The point is to do it over and over and kill your hesitation.

Kill your hesitation and your interactions start to get smoother than butter.

Don’t let another second pass. Approach her now!

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posted in Initiative and Inhibition

COMMENTS
12 responses
Max says:

More then anything out there, the forums, the dvds, the coaching, the lectures… your BLOG alone changed me. You way of writing, thinking and communicating is beyond good or excellent. Let me tell you, before I go out unlike most people I don’t drink liquid confidence or find the latest hot shot opener or a new cube routine.. instead I find an article on your blog that relates to the kind of situation I may experinece today and I read it. Instead of picking up HOT chicks now I go out to get to know girls, genuinely. Even if shes HB2 and she glances at me I ask her for her name because at the end of the day I worked on my skillset and I didn’t have to sleep with her to learn a bit about girls.

Elvis says:

I have a question related to this. Ok you see a woman on the street going towards your direction. From point A when you see her to point B when you get near to her atleast 15 seconds may of pass. If this case happens what can I do to apply the 3 second rule?

thanks.

Eric Disco says:

More then anything out there, the forums, the dvds, the coaching, the lectures… your BLOG alone changed me.

Thanks for posting, Max. That means a lot to me. I’m working on a book right now so it’s inspiring to hear.

Eric

Eric Disco says:

I have a question related to this. Ok you see a woman on the street going towards your direction. From point A when you see her to point B when you get near to her atleast 15 seconds may of pass. If this case happens what can I do to apply the 3 second rule?

The idea is that you want to start approaching right away. So it may take you ten seconds to get to her, but you want to put your body into motion as soon as possible. The longer you stand there motionless, the more momentum builds up to not do the approach.

Eric

Kevin says:

This article is one of the best I have read in quite some time. Actually lately there have been some really insightful articles up on the blogs,ect but this is a good one nevertheless….My game has still got a long, long, long way to go but my AA is virtually gone due to your posts and a couple of others…The 3 second rule is very true and how you strategically use can put you greener pastures….My AA strategy is this for bar/club – go straight to the hottest woman in the place..I mean the hottest and make sure she is visible to other women…Start talking or just make small talk….It does not matter if she blows you out or blows you – if she digs you great, if not there are more fish out there or you can always come back…..it sets up social status and you have worked in killing AA for the evening…9.5 s and lower will be easier to approach and other women will see you talking to her and so you kill or diminish the AA….its a great trick and I have started using it with some success…try it – its gold…

Dave says:

when you get near to her atleast 15 seconds may of pass. If this case happens what can I do to apply the 3 second rule?

Run! ;-)

Mike says:

Eric great post man…. but I think even if 3 seconds have passed you should still go ahead and do the approach… I mean guys should use this as an EXCUSE…. Because I know that theres a couple of guys out there that will be like “Shit its been more than 3 seconds, I Shouldnt approach her”

Doing the approach is the most important thing Right…. Of Couse the goal is to do it with out Hesitation but if there is that should discourage a guy to approach anyway….

Dave says:

1-mississippi
2-mississippi
3-mississippi
“Hi!”

Tyler says:

pure gold. your articles are life changing. ohh look at the way frank approaches the beauty queen in American Gangster. No second thoughts.
Awesome.

One big question–
Bringing her into your reality vs Going to her reality
when i ask a question she has the higher value. but i think when it comes to an opinion opener you take her to your world. when you ask questions like where r u from, whats your name it going to her reality. just realized this. i always make statements and bring her to my reality.
I think i am the bradpitt seriously , and i behave like the way if the bradpitt or johnny depp see a girl in the street that he really love to chat up

AWesome disco

Josh says:

This is a great blog and I pity myself why I could not discover it earlier.

[...] There are also ways of becoming physically spontaneous. We talked about the 3-Second Rule. [...]

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