How to Be Different Than Every Other Guy in the World

by Eric Disco
Aug 5

When you ask guys what the goal of rapport is, they usually say something like ¡Æto create an emotional connection.’

While you do want to create an emotional connection, it is difficult to say whether you’ve gotten there or not.

A better definition of rapport, something to shoot for, is to find something to genuinely appreciate in her.

If I can do that, whether it’s a five minute conversation or an hour long conversation, I’ve established rapport.

What does that mean, to establish rapport?

If I got her phone number and went to go call her, she would feel that I in some way got to know her.

This past weekend we had a workshop. During our dinner break I went with Lee, one of our instructors, to get sushi.

Lee is an animal, always talking to women. There is no containing him. You can’t put a leash on a tiger.

It wasn’t 30 seconds of walking into the sushi restaurant that he was talking to three lovely women sitting at a table nearby.

He quickly charmed them with his wit while I finished ordering the sushi.

I came over and talked with them and we started talking about our workshop. These cute women were very interested and even wanted to help out. They were asking us a lot of questions.

I started talking to one of the women and it turns out she will be going to the beach the same day I am next weekend. She ended up giving me her number.

However, I would have a difficult time inviting her to hang out with me.

Now, these women were very into us. They were certainly attracted, and they found us as people very interesting. So what is the problem?

The problem is that I had to rush out of there to get back to the workshop without finding anything about her as a person.

If I were to call her up and invite her out, she would be thinking in her head “Why does this guy like me?”

And the answer of course, is that she was physically very attractive.

But that’s not enough.

She’s a hot girl. Every day she meets guys that are attracted to her.

When you meet a woman, your goal is to get her talking. It’s not to try and show her how cool you are.

Your goal is to find something, at least one thing about her as a person, that you can genuinely appreciate.

If you can, then all of a sudden you are special to her. Why? Because you made her feel special. You made her feel like you understood her.

Of all those millions of attractive guys out there, she feels like you know her just a little bit more.

It doesn’t have to be something huge. It could be something small.

Perhaps you can appreciate the fact that she loves her job. Or that she is into animals. Or that she knows how to cook.

You could find out something special about this girl in three minutes if you can get her talking.

But it needs to be something unique to her as a person, something that you saw when you interacted with her, something that she cares about.

When you do, to her you’ll be different than every other guy in the world.

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posted in Rapport Skills

COMMENTS
15 responses
Filbert says:

Now this is something I’m having a lot of trouble with. I’ve made some noticeable progress in regard to approaching and flirting with girls, however, I have a hard time getting some to talk about anything deep or unique.

I’ve tried open-ended although shallow questions. I’ve tried sharing personal stuff of my own. So far I just end up playfully batting around the same coy questions and responses with her. I don’t know if I need to get more personal (telling stories), ask personal questions, or just accept that some girls don’t want to let me know them really.

relentless d says:

Like Filbert, I also am having trouble with this. I have been getting numbers, but they never seem to amount to anything and I know it’s b/c my rapport skills need work.

Ahh well, it’ll all come together with practice : )

Max says:

I have been working on my approach and now I seem to open any # of set /class of Hb’s with simple openers or directions etc. Before I open the first HB, I feel the anxiety building up and once I open that first one it calms down and I become much much more confident. Now I have somewhat of my approach down and I want to try to get into a conversation but right now I cannot think of anything while I open them. For example, “hi do you know where we could find something good to eat, I was just in the food court and I don’t like fast food?”… “yeah..umm.. goto Moxie’s grill”…. “Oh okay, thanks”… I don’t know exactly how to keep the conversation flowing without it looking fake or made up or odd.

Anonymous says:

I started talking to one of the women and it turns out she will be going to the beach the same day I am next weekend. She ended up giving me her number.

However, I would have a difficult time inviting her to hang out with me.

Now, these women were very into us. They were certainly attracted, and they found us as people very interesting. So what is the problem?

The problem is that I had to rush out of there to get back to the workshop without finding anything about her as a person.

In this situation, would it be a good idea to just call her up without asking her out, instead just talking to her and building rapport over the phone?

Eric Disco says:

In this situation, would it be a good idea to just call her up without asking her out, instead just talking to her and building rapport over the phone?

Anything is possible. Maybe she’s decided to make an extra effort to meet people, so she’d be willing. Or she’s up for some adventure.

Let’s look at it from your perspective. Let’s say you met a guy at a party. And he did something really “guy” cool like, I dunno, raced motorcycles. And you found that out right away and were like “cool!” and asked him a few questions about it. And then he had to run off and said “Hey man, let’s hang out some time.”

What would you be thinking? You might think it’s kinda cool. But you’d also wonder why this dude wants to hang out with YOU. He’s a motorcycle racer, doesn’t he have friends already? If not, why not? Is he weird? Is he gay? Is he desperate?

Now, if he found out something about you, like maybe that you like to tinker with car engines. Or that you ride horses.  Or that you are into some sport, or whatever.  And asked you a little about it. And then said “You’re cool man, let’s hang out sometime.” How would you feel? Probably a lot different.

thanks great pos.. love it so much

acuity says:

Great analogy there to the motorcycle racer, Eric.

EXCLUSIVE says:

Well it’s the fourth phase of the emotional progression model your talking about. it must comes after you have already attracted her (third phase of the emotional progression model “attraction”) and in it YOU MUST NOT BUILD COMFORT (leave the comfort building to the fifth phase of the emotional progression model) what you should do is qualify her!
in this phase you must trick her into telling you stuff about her like asking her if she is advanturous because all your friends are advanturous and then asking her what is the most advanturous thing she has done this year then act amazed. ( this will surely make her think that she has made you attracted to her with more than her looks! which is essential when calling her later on the phone!) other examples of qualifiying her are:”d u read books?” – “what kind of music do you like” …

Kultra says:

This is a great article and I love the comments, I just started talking to a girl I’m really digging and I’m trying to build a rapport with her.
Luckily for me it sounds like I’m going about it the right way :-D

Quick question though if anyone doesn’t mind answering, I gave her my number last Saturday and she called me that Monday morning and the next night at 2am, calls at a lot of odd hours it seems like, each time we talked for at least an hour about work, videogames (game nerd like me) etc. are these good signs and I should ask her out soon?
also the first time she called she came into my job an hour later and out of nowhere went into some thing about her ex boyfriend emailing her about meeting up and her not wanting to, now from my experience talking about ex’s is bad but since it came so unannounced I think maybe she was hinting she’s single?

c says:

i’m only reading this because of the pictures.

i’ll try a set after i finish homework today, promise

jayguindon says:

This is by far the best post I’ve ever read on rapport building, thank you for this, it is a great refresher to most of the rapport we learned in AoR.

ArtCreation says:

Where did you get these paintings? They are magnificent. Can you please tell me the artist?

By the way, this article is a great explanation of mild qualification. That motorcycle racer analogy is brilliant! If the racer doesn’t qualify you, you will think he’s gay or weird for sure.

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Ganry84 says:

That does not mean the materials are unrelated to the course; it means students are not are not required to read it, but that those interested in additional information may find it useful. ,

[...] As I’ve talked about before, your over-all goal in your interaction with a woman is to show genuine appreciation.  If she feels like you saw something in her that no one else could, then she will feel differently about you than every other guy in the world. [...]

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