How Approaching Women is Supposed to Feel

by Eric Disco
Jul 4

I want you to picture something.

Let’s say your friend came up to you and said this:

“Oh my god, dude. This morning it was crazy. I had this weird experience. My heart started to race, almost as fast as it’s ever gone. I started to sweat. My blood pressure shot through the roof. I got crazy out of breath.”

You ask him “Shit, really? What were you doing?”

And he says “I was going out for a run.”

“Um, isn’t that… normal?” you respond.

“Well… yeah. But I don’t really run very much. So it was a new experience for me.”

You’re thinking in your head, well duh.

Of course your heart is supposed to beat fast.

Of course your blood pressure shoots up.

Of course you are breathing heavy.

Of course you’re sweating.

Anyone who has ever grown up on planet earth is very familiar with this feeling in their body. They would not freak out if this happened when they went for a run.

But picture somehow, a person who had never experienced this.

If you took him and had him run a quarter mile even, he might start to freak out and wonder whether this is bad for him.

He might be thinking that he’s going to have a heart attack and die.

Or that what he’s doing is really unhealthy.

But it’s actually the exact opposite. The more aerobic exercise he gets in his life, exercise that gets his heart rate and breathing going, the more life and energy he’ll have.

When guys first start approaching women, if they’ve never done it before, it feels really FUCKED UP.

It feels WRONG.

Its one thing to understand logically in your mind, that you are okay with it.

Perhaps you’ve come to terms with the fact that you don’t really give a shit what other people think. Your own happiness is more important than what any single stranger thinks.

And you know that it is possible to approach and meet women you don’t know.

Perhaps you logically can agree with that, or even get excited about the prospect.

But then you go out to talk to a woman, and everything is different.

You start to breath heavier. Your heart starts to race.

And you think in your head “I shouldn’t be feeling this.”

You think you need to get rid of this feeling before you can approach her.

But can you imagine a runner who wanted to get rid of those feelings before he did any running?

Maybe he’d sit home and try to rest a lot. Or read up on running techniques that don’t raise his heart rate. Or get hypnosis so that his heart rate doesn’t go up.

Obviously this is ridiculous and I think you get the point.

That wanna-be runner won’t ACCEPT how he’s feeling. And acceptance is probably the most important skills you learn when you do start to do this stuff.

When I go to approach a woman, I try to have as little in my mind as possible. If I have thoughts in my head, I hear them, but I don’t necessarily take them to heart.

Instead, I keep tabs on what I’m feeling. I notice my heart start to beat faster. I get a bit of tightness in my chest. Maybe a few butterflies in my stomach.

That’s okay. In fact, it’s better than okay. It means I’m excited and I know I’ll perform better.

Those feelings mean I’m in the zone.

I take those steps forward and walk toward her anyway. Sometimes it’s like stepping off a cliff.

I have no idea what will happen. And it’s an amazing feeling! A bit scary, but still amazing.

I have done a lot of approaching. And I remember when I started doing this.

Those feelings were overwhelming. It seemed like I shouldn’t be feeling them.

But I did a little bit at a time, a little bit every day. I knew that if I tried to do too much at the beginning I would give up and fail.

If I went out and tried to run ten miles on the first day I would fail.

So I went out for a little bit at a time. I talked to one woman every day until I got comfortable with those new feelings in my body.

And now, when I get those feelings, I don’t try to fight them. I accept them. I actually enjoy them.

This is the very stuff that life is made of.


posted in Acceptance

5 responses
Cameron says:

Hey man,

Wow that was a great article Eric. It’s funny how when your mind is tuned in to an idea it pops up everywhere. I was listening to a (fascinating) interview on Timothy Ferriss’s by a guy named Josh Waitzkin. He was talking about performing a skill and the stages of mastery around it. He was saying when he first started fighting he tried to suppress his feelings of fear, pain and anger. Then, as he grew more skilled and loved his martial art more and more, he grew to accept these feelings. Then, when he reached the next level of enlightenment, he was able to use those feelings and found they enhanced his performance.

Nathan says:

hey man!

again this is great stuff! a girl a day keeps the anxiety at bay ;)

Cameron says:

The next level is to be able to create those feelings at will.

Steve says:

Today I did wear my heart rate chest strip and went to the mall approaching women to see what it’s actually like. The first approach let my heart rate shoot up 165 BPM, then it became a little better with 130 BPM. Then the 7th approach got my heart rate up to 175 BPM. That’s crazy and I am just walking at a normal pace. I even have lower BPM while jogging. All in all I ended up with one phone number from all the approaches. What I’m interested in is that you’re saying in this article that approach anxiety is actually healty. I was wondering if it isn’t actually immense stress and animals like mouses were proven to have decreased live expectancy if they experience a lot of stress during their lives. What do you think?

Ariel says:

Great analogy