Get Past Your Perfectionism and Approach Her

by Eric Disco
Jul 15

Before he ever approaches a woman, a guy has a vision of what success with women looks like in his mind.

He tries to tie down every detail.

He reads for months, planning things out before he actually goes out and talks to a woman.

It’s called perfectionism. And it is a common stumbling block for guys.

I’m working on a book. I’ve been working on it for a long time now. I’ve gotten good at writing posts but a whole book is a completely new experience for me.

Frankly I’m scared.

I keep setting up tables of contents and re-organizing and going back to things I’ve written and putting things in place and doing everything BUT WRITING THE BOOK.

And that’s okay. I need to have some structure.

But part of this is perfectionism. I am so afraid of what I’m doing, that everything needs to be perfect. I want to eliminate all uncertainty.

I know I will have to reach deep inside of me and pull out something that will only come to me in the moment.

And that scares the fucking shit out of me.

What if it doesn’t come to me? What if I’ve written the best stuff I’ll ever write? What if I’m no longer inspired or out of touch or a washed up loser?

My mind is playing tricks on me. It’s fucking clever as hell at coming up with all the reasons in the world why I shouldn’t do what I’m afraid to do–what I desperately want to do.

But the fact of the matter is that I desperately want to do it. And that in itself is enough.

It’s called willpower.

And when you start to activate your willpower, something deep inside you says it’s time to do it, regardless of what your body is telling you you can’t do, regardless of what your mind is telling you you can’t do.

Perfectionism is a deadly trap. It is one of Fear’s greatest allies. There is no way in the world you can walk up to a woman and do it perfectly the first time.

So you don’t do it at all. And that’s what your fear had planned all along.

In order to begin writing my book I had to tell myself, it’s okay if it’s not perfect.

In fact, it’s okay if it sucks. It’s a first draft. It’s a place to hang my hat. If it sucks I can go back and do it again.

But most importantly, I have to start somewhere. And I have to start now, regardless of the outcome.

There is no right way to do this.

You’ve thought about approaching way too much. It’s time to teach your BODY to approach her.

You’ve spent more than enough time thinking.

Do something physical. Make that your goal.

Find something you can do, whatever it is. But take action physically moving toward another person.

Do whatever it takes.

Tell yourself you will only have to do this once a week.

Find a friend who can go out with you.

Keep going out a few days in a row with the intention of approaching, even if you don’t.

Do whatever it takes. But get out there.

The road that lies before you is true living, and that is why you are so afraid.

Life, once you begin to live it, is never perfect.

“That life is YOUR life. It is not neat and packaged. It is not predictable; it is often terrifying, disgusting, humiliating. It is all the things which make up your life. You don’t have to wish it away. You can’t wish it away, you can only repress it. But you needn’t do so.” – David Mamet


posted in Initiative and Inhibition

3 responses
lordt78 says:

“And when you start to activate your willpower, something deep inside you says it’s time to do it, regardless of what your body is telling you you can’t do, regardless of what your mind is telling you you can’t do.”

You know, nowadays, when I approach a girl and I get blown out, I noticed I become more focus and determine to find another girl who will be more receptive to me. Last week, I approached a girl in Whole Foods and I told her she was cute, immediately, she goes “I have a boyfriend” and looked away to whatever she was looking for. I just froze and stood there and as she was walking away, I said out loud “Well, that went well” and took off.

I was embarassed and felt pretty crappy but I was determined. So I went outside and marched up to some hot chick (no AA whatsoever) and told her so was cute, “I have a boyfriend” she said and walked away. OK strike two, I thought to myself. I still felt determined to approach another cute girl…somebody has to be receptive to me! So I walked a few blocks and approached another cute girl and we ended up sitting down and actually hung out for a couple of hours. :)

I noticed I wasn’t feeling as focused before I did my first approach as I did after getting blown out.

Neil says:

Nice story of perseverance, lordt78. I was in a Whole Foods yesterday and saw many a cute girl, but did not approach any of them.

This post really reminds me of The War of Art (see it on Amazon:

The book is really smart and well-written, and talks a lot about how to overcome your inner-resistance, day by day. I know you’re pretty aware and used to overcoming resistance, Eric, but you may want to pick it up if you’re finding that your book isn’t getting finished. Congrats on being willing to “suck” at first – though I think we all know your writing doesn’t suck, and DOES help a lot of people out.


Johnnie says:

It is really annoying when the girl says “I have a boyfriend” when a lot of times she doesn’t. There is nothing you can do in a situation like that. I still have not learned to overcome the AA. My few attempts so far end in failures. When I set the once a week attempt, I go out exchange looks don’t take action and say to myself “tommorow is another day”. And so on to the next day. I stay in the gym and take supplements every day to achieve perfection and reduce rejection, but it does not seem to work. I hope more reading through this site will help me with my anxiety. Thank you for the note on perfectionism.