Just Say the Words to Her

by Eric Disco
Jun 17

Being alive means being spontaneous, being open to new experiences.

One of the most important things we teach guys in our workshops is to LISTEN to what the girl is saying.

Appreciate her.

When you can do this, 90% of your work is done.

Most of the time now, when I go up to women and talk to them, I do not have any specific words in my head that I will say to them.

I love to be spontaneous.

When I say something to a woman that I’ve never said before, whether it’s fun playful banter, or something deep and emotional I’ve never told anyone–that is when I am truly alive.

This is what you are aiming for.

An interaction that is as personal as childhood memories.

An innocence that only comes when both of you have abandoned your security.

One of the best things you can do with women is be spontaneous. Be unexpected.

When men talk to a beautiful woman, they are often so enthralled that they become very careful around her.

They don’t want to say anything to ruin the interaction.

And it bores these women to death.

When you are exploring yourself along with exploring her, she can feel it.

When you are swept off your feet by the situation and you have courage and move forward with those feelings, she can feel it.

When your inner dialogue is silenced and you bask in each other’s presence, all that’s left is the feeling both of you share.

It is a beautiful thing.

That is why I recommend that guys carefully plan out the exact words they will say to women.

Yes, you read that right.

Am I joking? No, I’m not.

Those precious moments will come. And it’s important to stay focused on who you are, who she is, and what you are looking for.

There is nothing more important than being able to listen to her.

But I know you, dear reader, as well as I know myself.

You are paralyzed by your emotions right now. You’ve had years and years and years of learning the wrong lesson:

Do not take action because bad things will happen.

Do not take initiative because you will fail.

And I also know that no matter how much you realize and believe in your mind that the words are not the most important thing, once you get out there, all of a sudden what you say becomes monumentally important in your mind.

I know, because I’m the same way.

At the beginning, knowing exactly what you are going to say to her can be a valuable crutch to do the most important thing of all: just getting out there and doing it.

I get a lot of guys that write me and say that they are able to take the first two steps of my program.

They are able to get out on a regular basis. And they are able to ask for directions.

But to just walk up to a woman with no pretense and just say hi is extremely difficult for them.

Why? You are able to approach her and ask for directions, so why can’t you approach her and say “I just wanted to come say hi. My name’s ___”?

You are getting tripped up by words.

Your long term goal is to be able to be uninhibited around women, to be yourself around them RIGHT when you meet them.

But guess what? It’s NOT going to happen right away.

So in the beginning, it’s okay to just say the words.

Have words to say and go up to her and say them. It’s okay. You aren’t going to be superman from the start.

Write down exactly what you are going to say to her, from the first word to the last. You can even practice it in front of the mirror if you want.

For example, you could do something like this:

Opener: “I was walking by and I just wanted to come say hi. My name’s _____”

Shake hands.

Conversation Starter: “How is your day going today?”

Share something about yourself: “I was just out taking a break from working on music/reading/whatever. It’s a beautiful day out.”

End the Conversation: “Well, it was great meeting you, have a great day!”

Walk away.

There, you did it.

Keep your eye on the prize. The thing that will ultimately connect the two of you is listening to her and truly understanding who she is.

You want to be you around her. You want to be fun and spontaneous. And this is a good desire.

In the beginning though, focus on just taking action. Focus on getting your feet moving.

By taking action, you will cultivate that spontaneous element that will allow you to be you around that amazing woman.

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posted in Initiative and Inhibition

COMMENTS
13 responses
Neil says:

Welcome back! Hope your vacation rocked.

Just wanted to say that this blog helps me hold myself accountable to my goals and dreams with women. Thank you for that.

Eric Disco says:

Welcome back! Hope your vacation rocked.

Thanks, man! It was good to take a break.

Just wanted to say that this blog helps me hold myself accountable to my goals and dreams with women. Thank you for that.

Great to hear it.  Feedback from you guys is what help keep me motivated. Thanks for posting.

Eric

dreamerboyinnyc says:

NICE!! since you were away been looking in the blog. good stuff in here. thanks and glad ur back Disco.
please more podcast they rock!!!

Anonymous says:

yeah, it really is awesome just being in the moment.

speaking further down the line, some say that if you can hang around someone, being so comfortable around them that you don’t need to say anything and they can do the same around you, you’ve found someone special.

Tai says:

Wow, I totally agree with your view of being spontaneous. I think that is the way to go instead of using scripted material.

Guto says:

Exelent posts and webcastas! Extremely inspiring. I will definetly start your program, though step 3 gives me the butterflies just thinking about.

Cheers!

Mikael says:

Hi Eric! I just had to ask about something that I have thought about for a while now. I am currently trying out Cory Skyy’s Magnetic Mindset, and I must say it works very well. But he seems to be of the opinion that you should never approach girls, and much of the talk on his BBWH forum criticizes ideas like approaching a lot of girls and the girl of the day challenge etc.

What is your take on this? I wonder since you seem to know Cory well, and you appear on Magnetic Mindset. Don’t you think that approaching a lot of girls all the time ultimately boils down to some kind of neediness, even though it may be benificiary at some point in one’s progress?

Eric Disco says:

Hi Eric! I just had to ask about something that I have thought about for a while now. I am currently trying out Cory Skyy’s Magnetic Mindset, and I must say it works very well. But he seems to be of the opinion that you should never approach girls, and much of the talk on his BBWH forum criticizes ideas like approaching a lot of girls and the girl of the day challenge etc.

What is your take on this? I wonder since you seem to know Cory well, and you appear on Magnetic Mindset. Don’t you think that approaching a lot of girls all the time ultimately boils down to some kind of neediness, even though it may be benificiary at some point in one’s progress?

Hey Man, great question.

I agree with Cory on a lot of things. There would be few areas, particularly when it comes to what works with women, that I would disagree with Cory.

Cory is a coach, just like I am. And there are different paths to how guys can get more confident around women. Doing affirmations is a great way to build confidence.

Different things work for different guys. Your path to confidence will be different than the next guy. What works for you may not work for another guy.

But this is what it comes down to for me. If you have a huge fear of approaching women, you want to ask yourself why you have that fear.

As I’ve said before, fear is a message. It’s telling you something. It is lighting the way, showing you where you can learn and grow.

The courage to do what you are unable to do, yet still want to do, is what you are looking for here. I don’t approach every woman I see and every woman I am attracted to on the street. It would take too much time. I see gorgeous women on the streets of New York every single day.

But I am able to approach women when I want to. And that’s huge for me. I am usually not paralyzed by my fear any longer. I’m still learning and growing and taking risks and getting better. And part of that is looking at where my fear is.

What am I afraid of?

Perhaps at this point it is approaching the most beautiful women and getting sexual with them right away. Perhaps it’s finishing this book that I’ve been writing. Perhaps it’s quitting my other incomes to do pickup alone.

I don’t automatically jump out into the middle of the street into oncoming traffic just because I’m afraid of it. But if I want something and am not going after it, I have to ask myself why.

Cory Skyy’s method is great. I recommend many guys to him, even in New York. I would be cautious though about not approaching women anymore. Does it just sound like an easier path and that’s why you want to take it?

You can do many many things to help lessen the physical symptoms of anxiety, from deep breathing to affirmations to walking slowly to getting drunk. But the only thing, in it’s totality, that will help you to no longer be paralyzed by your fear is learning to accept it. It’s feeling that fear and accepting that it’s there, taking action anyway. Accepting that fear, a little bit at a time and finding out, in a physical way, that that fear won’t kill you.

What you want most from your life isn’t necessarily ten thousand women in it. It may not even be to have the most gorgeous women or even the most perfect relationship with that perfect girl. All that stuff fades eventually.

Have you ever been with a great girl for a while, who’s super attractive and then you lost attraction for her, even though she was still gorgeous?

No, what you want is to have the courage to take the action you want to take. What you want is to be able to do what you want to do, to be able to grow the way you want to grow.

There is always growing ahead for us. No matter how good I get with women, I could always get better. And I still work on improving and getting better at this stuff. But I know at this point, if I want to get better, I can get better and I won’t be stuck in a rut by this huge insurmountable barrier called approach anxiety.

I can do it.

Eric

Mikael says:

Thanks a lot for the answer!

Yeah, it sure does seems a lot easier, and I don’t want to not approach girls just because it’s easier. And yeah, that fear you (I) get must be a indicator of something. But is it an indicator that I’m affraid to approach cause I’m afraid to get rejected cause I really care if a random girl on the street likes me or not? Or rather, if she likes my approach or not. Yes, it’s a stupid fear, and of course you would want to get rid of it, but doesn’t there seem to be something bigger beneath all this? Why is that silly fear there?

Neil says:

Hey Mikael,

Have you read the Mystery Method book? Not sure what Eric’s thoughts on it are, but I read it a year ago and it helped me a good deal.

In it, he talks about how humans are kind of obsolete and not well adapted to this modern world of ours. We’re programmed evolutionarily to be comfortable in small groups of hunter/gatherers, not in massively competitive city streets. Anyway, Mystery says that in those small groups, men often faced real danger if they were to approach an attractive woman who was (most likely) taken. It’s the same thing today – you see a gorgeous woman and while your gut says “Go for it!” somewhere deep down you just KNOW that she’s taken and about to meet her big burly boyfriend.

Hope this helps – it’s as good an answer as any I’ve heard so far as to the root of approach anxiety, and helps me to think that my ego isn’t as touchy as it would seem from a pure “rejection” standpoint, though that of course always factors in.

Eric Disco says:

Mystery says that in those small groups, men often faced real danger if they were to approach an attractive woman who was (most likely) taken.

Yes, if you are looking for a succinct, one-sentence answer as to the “cause” of approach anxiety, this explanation is good.

However, if you really want to understand this fear, particularly in a way that helps you, you’ll want to take a deeper look.

Firstly, the idea that it’s not supposed to be there is an unhealthy one. If a runner complained that his heart rate and breath rate is increasing every time he goes for a run, you would think he’s crazy.

It’s the same for guys approaching women. At the beginning, we want to “get rid” of the arousal we feel. It is so foreign to us–and overwhelming–that we refuse to accept it. That not only makes it worse, but this non-acceptance is ultimately what holds us back from doing what we want to do along with the fear.

In terms of understanding approach anxiety from a social perspective, yes, it is definitely a physical fear. It can be understood from a broader perspective though.

Human beings have evolved behaviorally to function in groups. In any group situation, there is usually a more confident outspoken leader and less confident followers. Any given person can play the leader or follower depending on the group.

Have you ever felt yourself confident around close friends and family, speaking out and being the coolest guy in the group? And then you get into a group where there are guys who are way more confident than you and all of a sudden you don’t want to speak up?

Humans evolved to operate in groups with leaders and followers, because it is the social glue that keeps groups together. If we were all just as confident, the group wouldn’t stay together as much. And staying together in groups was beneficial to humans for a variety of reasons including acquiring food, protection from predators, and finding mating options. The humans that stayed together in groups ended up with a much better chance of surviving and reproducing. So that behavior became part of us.

When you as an inidividual try to change from being less confident to being more confident, your body fights you. It screams BE CAREFUL!

Another good example outside of approaching women is public speaking. Many people rank public speaking as a fear worse than death. Your body gets very upset at you when you step outside of your practiced submissive role and try to be confident. You are jeopardizing your social safety net in more ways than one.

Yes, you could be attacked by a more confident male. But you might also be thrown out of the group and no longer have access to cooperative food acquisition, protection from predators, and the ability to mate with people in your group or other groups.

What has your experienced shown you is best when (possible) boyfriends are nearby? Ever been threatened or attacked?

I have never been threatened by attack. Most guys are actually okay with the fact that I’ve approached their woman. In the situation above, when the guy was nearby, I said loudly in a joking tone, “Well, I guess I better not hit on you then.”

In the past, coaches I’ve worked with have gone up to women who they knew were with their boyfriend and said things like “I just had to come tell you, you are amazing. Are you guys together? Yes? Well she is an amazing woman. You guys have a great night.”

Yes, some guys are threatened. As long as you are cool about it and know when to call it quits, you can always just turn and walk away.

Eric

Neil says:

Hey, thanks a ton for expanding on that Eric.

It IS sometimes easy for a beginner to think that the anxiety is bad, but will eventually be squelched. More like it’s good, and will eventually be better used!

I kind of can’t believe that after thousands of approaches, you’ve never been the subject of male aggro – I guess that speaks volumes to modern guys and to feeling where boundaries lie. Inspiring, nonetheless!

Zhelyazko says:

Still I began training martial arts also, because I have always felt that about myself- I couldn’t fight. This is why IN ADDITION to the other stuff I am doing this also so I KNOW that if such a scenario occurs I can take care of myself.

Zhelyazko

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