Where Do You Live? No, I Mean Truly LIVE

by Eric Disco
May 5

You can do a lot of things at home.

You can eat. You can sleep.

You can work. You can read.

You can fuck. You can play video games.

You can watch movies. You can go on the internet.

But you do not live at home. You begin to live when you walk out your front door.

You begin to live when you interact with the world.

How much time do you spend at home alone?

When I started learning how to meet people I didn’t know, I would sometimes feel depressed after a while being out.

I would have an overwhelming desire to go home and just stay there. Put on a movie and do nothing.

Even when I’m with a girl, I sometimes find myself getting caught in the trap of staying home and fucking rather than going out and doing things.

There is nothing wrong with staying home and fucking. It can be a beautiful thing. You can get to know someone pretty well at home.

But to truly know someone, you spend time with them in the world living with them, not just in your house.

But I would guess, if you’re anything like me, you spend a lot of time at home ALONE.

We introverted types can accomplish a lot alone. There are some very important things you can do alone.

I spent ten years of my life working on music, mostly alone.

I’m writing a book now, mostly alone.

I walk past caf«±s in New York City, and I see people with their laptops popped open. Yes, it’s a clich«±. But they are on to something.

They know they are doing something anti-social, like writing, but at least the are out in the world doing it around other people instead of at home doing it alone.

Part of truly living is finding something challenging and doing it, meeting that fear that lies inside.

You can do things that challenge you alone. You’ve probably gotten used to embarking on challenging things alone.

But to truly feel good about yourself, you need to feel good socially. To be truly happy and balanced, an effort must be made to step outside of your house.

I do a lot of things at home, but I do not live at home. I begin to live when I walk out the front door.

I live when I am interacting with other people–both friends and new people.

I live when I shake someone’s hand, when I look into their eyes.

I live when I walk into a room full of people, all gathered to exchange ideas.

From a young age, as introverted guys, we decided it was too much work to compete out there in the world with other people.

We decided to pursue solitary interests, interests that didn’t depend on the illogical and senseless social rules that we didn’t care for.

The internet age has made it even more possible to stay inside our homes and logically learn almost everything we need to know about the world.

Like shut-ins that never see the light of day, we feel connected to the world.

We can root for our favorite sports team. Monitor our favorite political candidates. Read our favorite blogs. Interact with other people on forums. Play video games with others online.

We are titillated by stupid pictures and movies our friends email us.

But much like the guy that reads and reads and reads and knows everything there is to know about pickup, you are still SHUT OFF from the world.

Your emotions are connected to your BODY. When your body is not in the world, you do not feel the world and therefore do not experience the world.

Fear is territorial. People have less social fear in places they frequent. One of the tricks to lowering your approach anxiety is to get comfortable in a place by going there a number of times.

But a huge part of approach anxiety in general for guys is that they just do not get out enough.

You spend your entire week in two places: Your home and your job. And then you get out on Friday night into a place packed with people, loud music and strangers, and wonder why you have so much anxiety.

You have anxiety because you spent the entire week with your life on hold. You worked, you ate, you slept, you masturbated, but you did not LIVE.

Get out of your house and live.

This is not a call for you to start spending five hours a day outside of your house. Like all other endeavors, if you bite off too much too soon you will quit fast.

This is a call to get out of your house REGULARLY. This is a call for you to get out consistently.

Walk out the front door of your apartment. Leave your office or workspace for a short period of time every day.

Go for a walk. You don’t even need to talk to women at first. Put as little pressure on yourself as possible. Just get into the habit of getting out.

If you have the option of going to a bar for a half hour and sitting rather than staying home and playing video games, do that instead–even if you don’t speak to anyone.

Make plans for the weekend. Try to include your friends. But if they won’t come along, fuck it, do it on your own. Use your awesome internet skills to find fun events in your area that interest you.

You will not meet anyone at home. Get out of your house and begin to live.

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posted in Ramp Up

COMMENTS
24 responses
Silverlight says:

Awesome post – as usual. Keep up the good work dude :)

I’ll try to implement this. And you’re spot on about anxiety being linked to how familiar you are with a place. I found an old Irish Pub, and each time I went, I became more and more relaxed. Now it’s like a second home for me (where I can truly LIVE) ;)

If anyone needs an idea for what to do outside the home, I highly recommend giving “Free Hugs” a try:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

You’ll extend your comfort zone, and meet some cool people in the process.

/silverlight

spicy salmon says:

nice! this was an awesome post Eric. What i started doing was going out to clubs and lounges by myself. At first I felt really uncomfortable because I had this thought in my head that people thought I was a loser for being out alone. But on the top of my head I said “they dont care, I you dont care” and guess what most of my interactions with people we great. As long as you have a good reason for being out by yourself, most of the people can relate to you and have a good time with you.

Just talk to anyone. =)

Cameron says:

I gotta say, Eric; that is by far the most frustrating post I’ve read here. I have been forcing myself out often for this very reason and I gotta say – it doesn’t change anything. Recently, I’ve moved to a new place where I know nobody, and for this very reason I refuse to stay in. Hell, I even refuse to do drive-thru because sitting in a restaurant (even if it’s a McDonald’s) is the more ‘social’ option. Every day before work I get up early and head to a nearby cafe; get myself some breakfast and sit and eat. Originally, I did this just to sit somewhere and eat; but out of boredom (and realizing they had free wi-fi) I’ve taken to sitting there with my laptop. I’ll even sit in the more social lounge area (instead of a table or a booth). And on weekends, it’s out to pretty much anywhere I can go – malls and the like during the day, out at the bar with co-workers (they’re the only people here I know) at night.

The point is, nothing’s changed. Not when it comes to my social anxieties anyways.

Maybe I’m missing something, or maybe I’m expecting too much; but this hasn’t helped anything for me.

go says:

even the best PUAs get approach anxiety; learn to ~enjoy~ it. it’s a rush!

go says:

(that was for Cameron, sorry!)

Eric Disco says:

I gotta say, Eric; that is by far the most frustrating post I’ve read here. I have been forcing myself out often for this very reason and I gotta say – it doesn’t change anything. Recently, I’ve moved to a new place where I know nobody, and for this very reason I refuse to stay in. Hell, I even refuse to do drive-thru because sitting in a restaurant (even if it’s a McDonald’s) is the more ‘social’ option. Every day before work I get up early and head to a nearby cafe; get myself some breakfast and sit and eat. Originally, I did this just to sit somewhere and eat; but out of boredom (and realizing they had free wi-fi) I’ve taken to sitting there with my laptop. I’ll even sit in the more social lounge area (instead of a table or a booth). And on weekends, it’s out to pretty much anywhere I can go – malls and the like during the day, out at the bar with co-workers (they’re the only people here I know) at night.

Cool, man, so you are getting out of the house. That is important–that is the first step. Getting out of the house, by itself may not make you more confident. But you certainly won’t get more confident staying in your house. Getting out is the groundwork for what comes next–actually talking to women.

What stage are you at, Cameron? Have you been interacting with women in the environment? Have you done any approaches yet?

Eric

Anonymous says:

Well, I’ve not gotten to “an approach” yet. The whole “time to do an approach this time” pressure I put on myself has prevented that. In fact, I’ll be honest and say I’ve not even been able to get myself to go around asking for directions or the time. That’s not to say I can’t; merely that unless I’m actually in need of directions, I can’t convince myself that going and asking for something I already know isn’t going to come off stupid. I realize that’s my anxiety manifesting itself, but I’ve not beaten it yet (obviously). I have, however, been getting myself into small talk with people. Mostly with cashiers and the like, but with strangers on occasion too. It doesn’t seem so “weird” to me to chat up a cashieras it does a stranger.

Eric Disco says:

Well, I’ve not gotten to “an approach” yet. The whole “time to do an approach this time” pressure I put on myself has prevented that. In fact, I’ll be honest and say I’ve not even been able to get myself to go around asking for directions or the time. That’s not to say I can’t; merely that unless I’m actually in need of directions, I can’t convince myself that going and asking for something I already know isn’t going to come off stupid. I realize that’s my anxiety manifesting itself, but I’ve not beaten it yet (obviously).

Cameron, you’ve been doing a lot of things right, such as getting out of the house and talking to cashiers. That will make the next steps easier.

Do you really want this, man? Or are you happy with what you’ve got? If you are happy with the women in your life and happy with your situation, then you don’t need to do any of this. Keep up the good work. Keep doing what you’re doing.

Approaching women isn’t for everybody. And it may not be for you. I’m not saying this because you have so much anxiety, there are guys I’ve seen who have way more anxiety and who have pushed through like champions. Guys that couldn’t even leave the home or talk to a cashier.

I’m saying this may not be for you because it requires a hunger. The are a thousand ways you can do this.

Maybe you can start off with something easier. Ask for directions ONCE A WEEK. Give someone a compliment ONCE A WEEK. Start off with whatever is most comfortable for you but still challenging.

Or maybe you need something a little bit more difficult. Maybe you should start walking up to women every day and introducing yourself. Or maybe you have a more fun and risky opener.

You need to figure out for yourself how you want to challenge yourself. But you need to do it for yourself. I’ve laid out a solid game plan that has worked for many many guys.

But only you can decide if you are ready for the next step.

I could tell you 20 different things to do here but they will all seem “weird”. They will all seem like you are infringing on someone’s space. Your anxiety will think up a million reasons why this won’t work, or that doesn’t work. It works, you just have to get out and do it.

Do not wait too long to figure out what to do. If you are happy with your life then stay happy with it. But if you want more, then it’s up to you to figure out what to do next.

Eric

V. says:

“You spend your entire week in two places: Your home and your job. ”

Great post Eric, but…
what if you work 9-20 every day ?
what if the only “life” that u see during the week is in the underground where you’re exhausted and all the girls listen to their ipod, carefully looking at nobody ?

Nonstop says:

The more posts I read, the more alike you seem to me, only that you’re older. Good advice, I understand a lot of it… I think the biggest problem for a lot of us is that we don’t seem to have social lives (that coincide with the atmospheres of women that we’d like to meet) and are not sure how to get there. It’s easy to say “go out to your favorite place” so that you can get more comfortable.. but then it’s like.. now what?

I guess perhaps like me, a lot of us are afraid to break the comfortable atmosphere we have created by staying at home, not relying on anyone really, in order to reach out for something greater.

Cameron says:

Man, if I was happy where I am I wouldn’t be on here now.

The truth is that as much as I want to get more confidence, be able to approach any woman I want, and the like; I do still have some reservation about the whole idea. Unlike most guys, I’m not after sex. Call me a fag or a pussy or whatever else – I’ve heard it all before – but I’m much more interested in ‘relationships’ and getting to know cool women than I am in getting a quick lay. So much so that I’ve turned down a few women offering such things.

I know that that doesn’t change the confidence, attraction, or approach aspects of the game; but in my mind it does somehow. As if in order to be this PUA I want to be I need to sleep around and be going after hookups. Does that make any sense at all?

Nonstop says:

Comfortable is safe, not happy. You don’t have to want to have sex with them if YOU believe you don’t need to on order to have the ‘relationship’ you are talking about. But you have to figure out what you to want and then have your mindset match those goals. Apologies for my last post, I was being a little emo while down on my luck.

Jag says:

Just out of curiosity; when you (as you suggest) take a walk and decide to actually TALK and INTERACT with a WOMAN, what do you say? I can think of little things for un unknown guy to say to me on the street that wouldn’t make me think he was a weirdo. (sorry if I broke some kinda rule reading this beeing a woman and all..)

Francis says:

Hey Jag, don’t worry you have not broken any rule reading this. I always find it special when women stumble across ‘men’s’ forums on pickup and dating….what’s your take on this all?

Francis

Jag says:

Dunno really, except that I find it hilarious when people try to make a science of how to attract women/men. Plus Im bored at work and allready checked my email and facebook like 23148364 times.

Francis says:

Fair point Jag, can’t argue with ya. I guess if I was to take a bird’s eye view on this whole thing I’d find this whole thing hilarious too. LOL! I wander how it would be if it were the other way round and women were the ones who had to chase the men. But something to remember… the next (or last) guy to sweep you off your feet is (or was) probably a ‘scientist’, even when he is sooo natural and smooth about it.

But I always find it interesting when this subject matter and communities are debunked and laughed at…helps keep it underground and those within it more at the edge over others.

Cheers. :)

Chris says:

Hey Jag — my own take is that the words we use when approaching women aren’t as important as how we’re feeling inside when we do it. My experience is that, if I’m feeling great about my life when I approach a woman, the interaction’s likely to go well even if what I say is something totally non-slick like “are you cold?” And of course if I’m not feeling solid or happy in the moment, nothing I say is going to have the woman feel attracted to me.

I wonder if you’ve had experiences where some random guy did say something to you that, to an outside observer, might sound stupid, but you felt a spark with him anyway. — Best, Chris

Anonymous says:

Hey Cameron, I also am looking for relationships and I feel where you’re coming from. Generally in the community most guys are looking for sex. I really don’t have an interest in casual sex either. But its harder to get good at this stuff if your not sexually experienced because it helps you with sexual attraction and confidence. If you don’t have sex you probably won’t ever be an awesome PUA, but thats not really what you wanna be. You just got into this stuff as a way to meet someone you really like, but instead you’re letting it take you’re mind further down the PUA avenue if you know what i mean. You don’t really need to get that good at pick up unless you wanna bang a lot of chicks.

Anonymous says:

sorry the last message was supposed to be me, not Anonymous.

Anonymous says:

and by me I mean, Billy. I’m not sure why my name wasn’t published. Any idea Eric?

Anonymous says:

There are several things I like about this post. If you think about it, it isn’t only for introverts but this benefits those of us who have the “raw” gift of gab but do not know exactly when/how to use it. There are a few things I like about this post as I have thought about this constantly during the toughest times to go out…the dead of winter. The reality is that the more consistent you are in “living” outside of your comfort zone (home), the more consistent you will be when it comes to meeting and speaking with people. What I am realizing over time is that “invisible wall” that use to be insurmountable when meeting people has quickly developed into a speed bump with people wanting to befriend, meetup, or stay in touch…Not only is it a confidence builder, but if you already know you are a cool and interesting person, your attitude begins to change… You start thinking to yourself, “Why would I want to deprive the world of what I have to offer?” Granted, its not easy to meet women but it can be simplified by being simple. If you have female friends who tend to invite other female friends, that’s a great time to see how some of these confidence tips work. When I read any of these posts, the main objective is to work on myself with the goal of being able to attract in the process. It takes effort. Somethings that work for one may not work for another. Maybe going out alone is something you could ever be comfortable doing. But, what about planning for it? For example, I had a friend say that the best time to go to a bar alone is Valentine’s day. Normally, introverts would think that going out alone on V-day is the worse thing you could do. But I’ve heard nothing but success stories. Maybe thats more your speed. But don’t settle. Challenge yourself. Break the norm. Live dynamic. Add color to your life. Sometimes, you just have to do it. Don’t get in the habit of over-thinking much like Eric has posted before. Like Nike, Just do it. Get to the point of being comfortable within your skin. Stick to the basics, show face, stay natural. Stay positive and learn from your wishful thinking. By doing so, everyday you are inching closer to the man you want to be…And it starts by getting out.

Nick says:

“You spend your entire week in two places: Your home and your job. And then you get out on Friday night into a place packed with people, loud music and strangers, and wonder why you have so much anxiety.”

you’ve described me… i guess its common.

i have to live more.

joel rivera says:

hey. i read this article. i’m an INFJ (fyi). i’d say you’re being influenced by other people. why don’t you go do what you want to do and stop telling people how to live? i can spend 3 months locked up in my house standing on my head.

fuck off.

Arden says:

Hi!

I started reading this article and didn’t realize till the comments that I was on a forum for men!!! and yes i’m a woman. I kept on reading and saying to myself: hey this is me!!! I need to go out and be more sociable towards men!

So my viewpoint of this is: yes there are women who are also in this situation. I adore staying at home, and staying on my computer, working and playing online games. But.. I also feel quite alone.
I need to get out more and go find you guys that are trying to get out also :D

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