Your Ears Are The Sexiest Part of Your Body

by Eric Disco
Apr 18

Not many people know this, but as men, the most important tool we have for seducing women is our ears.

So few men have mastered the skill of listening.

When learning this stuff, we are usually too focused on what we’re saying rather than listening.

But if you can simply listen well, she will open like a flower.

Listening seems passive, but it’s not. The way she will sense that you are listening to her is by your RESPONSE to what she says.

Below are six ESSENTIAL listening skills. You can practice them every conversation you have with anybody, not just women.

Reflect Back to Her

Rephrase what she is saying.

“Wow, that’s rough. So when you moved to New York, you didn’t know a single person.”

This is one of the most basic and important ways to listen to her. It shows that you understood her.

Reflecting back to her will allow her to clarify. Don’t be surprised if she begins to open up even more.

There is really no better way to show that you just heard what she is saying by repeating what she said in your own words.

Misunderstand Her

Wait–what?? How is this a listening skill??

It is actually an extremely important listening skill, if not the most important.

Put another way:

Don’t fucking pretend you know what she’s talking about. It’s the worst.

Maybe she talks really fast and you are tempted to just say “Uh huh.”

Or she missed an important detail and you got lost.

Stop her.

And ask her what the fuck she is talking about.

“Wait, what? Where were your friends when this happened? I must have missed something.”

When you are confident about not hiding the fact that you didn’t understand her, it shows what a man you are. And she becomes confident that you truly understood other things she’s telling you.

Disagree with Her

This is the key to being genuine. Nobody wants to hang around a YES man. People hate the guy who is too too nice.

If someone disagrees with one thing you say and agrees with four other things, you feel like he truly agrees with those four other things. Where as if he agreed with everything, you might question his sincerity.

If you are a nice guy, it can be difficult to disagree with her. But that makes this all the more crucial.

It is a gentle art. Don’t insult her life’s work. Instead, find something a little less innocuous that you dislike or aren’t into and say so.

“I can’t believe you don’t like sushi. That’s so weird.”

Practice this just to get into the habit. After a while you may not even have to do this explicitly, she’ll hear it in your voice.

Let Her Change Your Mind

As men, we have a lot of pride. We always want to be right.

Question something she says. Disagree with it. But sometimes let her change your mind.

It shows what a cool guy you are. And it shows you are truly open and listening to her.

“Wow, interesting. I like that. I never thought about it that way.”

Don’t Give Advice

When people talk about how they feel, they usually don’t want advice, they just want to be understood.

Find out exactly how she feels. Whenever you feel like giving advice, try to form it as a question instead.

“Why didn’t you just quit your job at that point?” vs. “You should have just quit your job at that point.”

Chances are, your ‘advice’ already crossed her mind. When you form it as a question instead, it shows her you understand where she’s coming from rather than how much smarter you are than her.

Don’t Judge

What you are doing is the opposite of judging. You are relating to her.

Even if you had a similar problem in the past and went through growth to get past it, you can still relate to how she’s feeling right now.

We are all struggling with something in our life.

We all have fears, hopes, ambitions, dreams, even if they aren’t exactly the same as everyone else’s.

Relate to that and never take a one-up position when you are truly trying to connect with her.

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posted in Rapport Skills

COMMENTS
16 responses
Cameron says:

Cheers for that Eric,

I just had a date and followed Charisma Art’s advice of pointing out what you have in common and ignoring anything you don’t, I may have come off as a bit of a yes,man.

love,

Cameron

Scott says:

Great post.

Darwin says:

Hi Eric
Thanks for the post. A part of recent conversation I had went something like..
H:I never shared information or anything in school with anyone.
M:Well, atleast you are being honest about it. That does say something nice about you.
H:yes, but is it nice that I always felt I shouldnt help anyone because I dint want anyone to get ahead of me.
M:Now, thats just sick..

Looking back, the last part somehow damaged the whole conversation. Was I too judgemental? I did a good job of opening her up but then I dint want to come off as a yes man when I dint agree with her.

Darwin

Eric Disco says:

Hi Eric
Thanks for the post. A part of recent conversation I had went something like..
H:I never shared information or anything in school with anyone.
M:Well, atleast you are being honest about it. That does say something nice about you.
H:yes, but is it nice that I always felt I shouldnt help anyone because I dint want anyone to get ahead of me.
M:Now, thats just sick..

Looking back, the last part somehow damaged the whole conversation. Was I too judgemental? I did a good job of opening her up but then I dint want to come off as a yes man when I dint agree with her.

Darwin

This is a great example.

Yes, you were judgemental. But that means something deeper.

What was she saying? Really. Look at what she was saying. What was she doing?

She is telling you how she feels, right now, about what she did back then.

What does that mean?

Reprhase it.

And RELATE to her. Don’t judge.

You could have said something like:

“Wow, that’s amazing. You’re able to look back and see that the people you are with are actually more important than your grades. I like that.”

Or if she’s not saying that, look at what she’s STRUGGLING with.

“Interesting. So you wrestle with putting your ambition ahead of your friends. I do that too sometimes. Sometimes I get so caught up in my work that I neglect my friends. I hate that.”

You do want to disagree with her, but about more innocuous things, not something important and meaningful to her. When you are really connecting with her, stop being judgmental.

Eric Disco

spicy salmon says:

hey Eric, this post is true. Most of the time all you need to do is listen to the girl you’re talking to. I know sometimes it is overwhelming what she is saying but girls realllly appreciate it when you do listen to her. You can see their faces light up after you hearing their story.

spicy

Darwin says:

Thanks Eric…
I wish conversations were like emails where you could reflect what you want to say, think about it, take yout time, edit..
But in live conversations, sometimes you tend to blurt out things you instantly realise you shouldnt have..
I guess it takes time and lot of practice before you integrate all this into your system.
It makes sense what you said-”She is telling you how she feels, right now, about what she did back then”. If I remember this, I think I can come up with the right response in similar conversation rather then responding as a reflex action.

Thanks for everthing.

Darwin

Court says:

Great post, pretty great advice. I might print this out and hand out these whenever a guy doesn’t understand why I’m just “not in to him”.

Awesomeguy#92858572 says:

I like this post a lot, and I agree with Darwin – it’s kind of a bummer that you can’t hit the pause button and think things through, edit, etc., during a live conversation.

What helps me when actively listening is taking deep breaths and not butting in too early. If what she’s going through is particularly emotional or painful for her, don’t try to talk/soothe over that. Just let it be for a moment or two. The “how” of your response, including body language, tone, eye contact, etc., will be WAY more important than the “what” of whatever it is you’re actually going to say.

[...] Your Ears Are The Sexiest Part of Your Body From: approachanxiety.com  Not many people know this, but as men, the most important tool we have for seducing women is our ears. » more 1 [...]

Zack says:

Always beautifully on point Disco. As a humble supplement, there are many non-verbal aspects of listening (i.e. solid eye contact, subtle head nodding of acknowledgement, neck down body stillness-not fidgeting, not tapping, not rocking, etc.) that can sometimes be as important as the verbal aspects of it. These are obviously more difficult to explain in a blog post, but I’m sure could be hammered out with some of Disco’s expert live coaching :-)

-Zack

SJJ says:

To reply to Cameron’s first statement, Wayne Elise of Charisma Arts is pretty clear in his book that we shouldn’t be yes men all the time. Also, focusing on what you have in common and ignoring what you don’t isn’t the same as being a yes man. I think you’ve confused two different notions there. But this doesn’t take anything away from Eric’s post. Excellent advice. Many thanks
SJJ

Jag says:

Maybe you could all just try look for women who wants to talk about things you find interesting? That way, all of this “showing her that you listen”stuff will come naturally. If you treat girls like human beeings instead of just thinking about them as girls and what they want you to say and do, it’ll all get a lot easier.
Promise!

Uuskeikari says:

Jag, please don’t assume it will come naturally for everyone. For some, perhaps, it will – and good for them! – but not for everyone. Trust me, I know.

I’m 27 now, and I’ve met quite a few amazing girls in my lifetime. Attractive, intelligent, and passionately into things that are important to me as well. But even with all the common ground, nothing ever came naturally. I’ve never been able to go beyond just exchanging opinions with them – to actually CONNECT with them.

Besides, when I look at some long term couples within my circle of friends, they aren’t always drawn together by the same interests. Rather, what they have in common with each other, is that they HAVE interests. Passionate interests. Things that shine through as fire in their eyes, things that show that they’re ALIVE.

That’s what I want. Not someone to mirror my own esoteric interests right back at me, but a vibrant human being on her own terms.

That said, I’m still 27. Still never had a girlfriend, still never had sex, still never been on more than a handful of dates. And I know by now that I can’t just sit around waiting for things to come “naturally”. Perhaps they will eventually become natural – or at least more natural – but until then, I have to put effort into learning them, into learning how to connect.

Jag says:

Whoa Uuskeikari!
I never said you had to find someone who had the exact same interest, just that you should find someone interesting. I don’t see the point in pretending that you’re interested in what the other one’s sayin (unless you wanna have sex in which case it’s a very good idea).

Uuskeikari says:

Perhaps I went off on a tangent, but my point was that sometimes it isn’t an issue of feigned interest, but rather a failure to communicate genuine interest, such as it has been for me in the past.

Jag says:

Nah, I like self-absorbed guys, gives you something to work for.

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