When You Think About Her Too Much

by Eric Disco
Jan 31

The date was amazing.

Oh. My. God.

I can’t believe how much chemistry was there. I can’t believe how much we connected. I can’t believe how HOT it was!

And you start to think about her.

And think about her.

And think about her.

It’s nice to think about her. But there comes a point where you’ve thought about her too much. You can feel it.

There’s a difference between feeling good about it, and feeling pain, insecurity, neediness, or possibly even hints of depression.

This is another form of social anxiety. And it parallels what happens when you talk to a stranger and fuck something up and your body isn’t used to it.

You ruminate.

You start to think about it over and over.

If you thought about it once, or twice, or maybe three times, it would be okay. But this is eating a hole in your psyche.

It tears you down. You replay everything in your head–all the details, all the things you did and could have done.

With a girl you’ve gotten to know, it happens on an even deeper level. Instead of this shallow regret that replays in your upper chest, you feel it way down deep in your belly.

Instead of a gnawing anxiety it may feel closer to depression. An emotional paralysis.

And your game is in the toilet. You knew exactly what to do or say with those other girls, but now you are questioning every step.

Every text message, every word, every moment is analyzed to death until there’s nothing left of that fun, spontaneous you she was attracted to in the first place.

What can be done? You know you need to stop thinking about her so much. But how do you do it?

One solution is to date more women. If you are seeing three different women, you are less likely to focus your energy on just one.

And it works.

You should be dating around. If you’ve only had a date or two with this girl, you should still be on the market. You should still see other women, even if you don’t feel like it.

Because if you do like this girl, the last thing you want to be is needy.

Talking to other women and keeping your options open makes sure you don’t invest too much too soon in one single person.

But there are other ways to refocus your thoughts and feelings back on track.

Thinking about that girl too much is a form of social anxiety.

Social anxiety, on whatever level, is a negative loop. It is an over-analysis of the situation. You are thinking about it too much. You are thinking about her too much.

To just try and stop thinking about her doesn’t work. But you can fight fire with water.

Let’s go back to your interaction with a stranger that went badly. What happens? You might start to think about the situation and wonder what you could have done differently.

“Why did I use that stupid opener?”

“Why didn’t I say something more clever?”

“I should have just been cool and talked to her.”

Whatever it is, you are sitting there trying to figure out what you did wrong and what you did right. While some reflection is absolutely necessary, any more than a teaspoon and you are killing yourself for next time around.

That rumination will give you even more social anxiety next time around if you don’t handle it.

The way to handle it is to congratulate yourself, to build yourself up, to reframe the situation.

This reframing, learning how to build yourself up after a social interaction, is at the root of all success you will have socially.

“I did something awesome.”

“I was amazing.”

“I did a really good thing.”

You took a risk. Your body wants to beat you up for taking that risk. Your body wants to tell you: “Look, see, I told you not to take that risk.”

And it did tell you not to take that risk by injecting you with fear.

As much as you possibly can, you need to tell yourself how fucking awesome you are for doing what you did. And you are awesome.

Just like you were awesome with that girl the other night. You connected with her. You weren’t perfect–nobody is. But you did fucking awesome. You are the embodiment of awesomeness.

Those thoughts popping into your head are questions. You need to answer those questions.

Every time a thought of her pops into your head, tell yourself:

“I am awesome.”

“I did awesome.”

“There is nothing I could have done differently.”

“I’m a hero.”

She will see that. And if she doesn’t, guess what? It doesn’t fucking matter.

You already did the brave thing. You took a risk and put yourself out there. You were brave and you need to keep being brave.

Social anxiety is a tricky motherfucker. The part you try to get rid of is the fear of the approach, because it seems to be what’s holding you back. It’s tangible.

But what you do after the social interaction is just as important, if not more important, than how you handled the fear before it.

How you mentally frame past situations is what will make the difference for next time.

If you can be as kind and supportive toward yourself for things you did in the past, the chains of inhibition and fear for future interactions will begin to melt away.


posted in Affirmations, First Dates, Relationships

30 responses
Jason says:

Thanks, Eric. This is an important one about not overthinking a relationship with a girl. It’s happening to me right now, and I think I finally snapped out of it earlier today. I got my head out of my ass and realized that I was being brave. So, why all this inner turmoil and torture I bring onto myself with overanalysis? There’s no reason for it. Thanks, again.

whatever says:

Oh fuck! that sounds so easy to say! Some people like myself not only have a financial problems but even the methods of payment is hard I only rely on posts.

I have approached so many girls, I had to do the whole work alone, I can’t even have a phone coach because even though I have money I have to pay with fucking credit card and I don’t have the option.

The girl I approach are either with boyfriends or fucking flakes, they give phone numbers, arrange meeting and never fill a promise.

[...] When You Think About Her Too Much From: approachanxiety.com  The date was amazing.Oh. My. God.I can’t believe how much chemistry was there. I can’t believe how much we connected. I can’t believe how HOT it was! » more 1 [...]

Peter says:

Great insight again, Eric. I had never really thought of this kind of rumination as a form of social anxiety, although it is certainly anxiety. How effective do you really think affirmations can be for this kind of thing. I tend to think of them more as a way to psyche myself up than counteract new negative doubts.

Alex says:

Eric, this is just pointless praise, but this site, your writing, and the podcasts are the best stuff I’ve come accross since finding out about the community 2 years ago. Fantastic post, I’m actually going through this loop now and find it very helpful.

Cameron says:

Yeh buddy, I love this post.

Ben says:

Nice post mate, keep up the awesome insights

Sam says:

Use one date as “practice” for another, maybe with someone else. Dating takes practice and practice takes time. You might say it is “not putting all of your eggs in one basket”. Mix it up and play the field. No, don’t be a jerk. Just find other people to thnk about too, be them potential lovers or intimate friends. Truth is, you can only fixate on so many people at once.

Skw@theWorld says:

These tips are not just for men.
Women also go through these type of thoughts and this article is very good because it does work!!!!

Joss says:

Holy christ,

as you posted this, it was happening to me!

Ah… this means so much to me. and i know a lot of guys can relate to this.

andrew says:

Awesome post !!! you are right! I didn’t think of it this way.
thanks man

Willem says:

Thanks, Eric! I read this, and I realise that I’m in the middle of that. I never really would have thought of it that way, but you’re absolutely right. Thanks for the pick-me-up. I am awesome.

Riu says:

AMAZING post!!!!! Thanks, Eric.

Andrew AM says:

Eric, thanks for the writing, it spoke volumes to me. I was hella dope at pickup for a bit, then met a girl…put alot of time and energy to make it work, then it went in the toilet. It put me in this sort of depression and ive been apathetic and neglectful towards the game. So thanks, this helps bunches.

John says:

Hey Eric, you described exactly what just happened to me. I didn’t really see the link between rumination and social anxiety before… Thanks for that insight and the other article about taking things slowly at the beginning of a relationship. I think you’re doing great good with your advices!

Lukasz says:

Excellent piece of advice. Thank you!

charles says:

goin through this to. so much so i cant be spontaneous and fun anymore. cant make her laugh genuinley like it always had been easy for me.

Jefferton says:

This just happened to me earlier today! This and committing too soon (which you covered a few posts ago) are my big sticking points, and it’s good to see that my wandering eye (which I have always felt guilty about and tried to suppress) is actually an asset to a certain extent. Thanks!

MG says:

“You already did the brave thing. You took a risk and put yourself out there. You were brave and you need to keep being brave.” I came to this attitude/conclusion in the middle of my big loss! Thanks Eric, your statement remind me my past. This attitude can bring you whenever you stumbble upon something and get disapointed.

jay says:

“Every text message, every word, every moment is analyzed to death”
I cant tell you how true this statement is for me right now. I needed this slap in the face! Thanks Eric

[...] game is just as important as outer game, so in order to understand the inner game, read this post, What To Do When You Think About Her Too Much.  If your inner game is too messed up, she will sense it and no amount of outer game will help.  [...]

bobdeath says:

on the money

Dogmael says:

Hey Eric, I’ve been following your stuff for quite a while, and this is the first time I’ve really felt inspired to comment. First off, let me say that I have a lot of mixed feelings about this whole “pickup community”. On the one hand, a lot of guys have some great things to say about inner confidence, pushing through social boundaries, etc… but on the other hand, there seems to be this inherent push to give guys tricks and “canned” material over real substance.

Anyway, with that little disclaimer out of the way, I want to say that your stuff has real depth and I see a lot of my own experience in your writing. I’m a bit of a “serial monogomist” in that I really just seek to date one special girl at a time. But your posts have helped me indentify potential pitfalls even in my relatively conservative arena.

This particular post applies to me right now, as I’m 3-4 dates (one was ambiguous) into it with a girl that I really like- so naturally I’m at the stage where I’m analyzing the shit out of everything. It really helps me to REFRAME the situation by recognizing how awesome I am just for getting to this point in the relationship with my balls intact.

So thanks, and keep up the great work!

Lee says:

There are many in the community who use canned material – tricks and gimmicks that often draw the ire of guys who want a more natural and spontaneous interaction. I can understand that. I think game should – in some sense – be truthful. On the other hand, my pickup is story based. I tell stories about my life, talk about interesting articles I’ve read, and bring up provocative subjects. Is that canned material or am I just talking about the things that are important to me? I’ll tell you what. The next time you go to an interview, tear up your resume without memorizing it, and, ten minutes before you meet you new co-workers and boss, write a new resume! Be spontaneous! Try writing something new, something you haven’t really thought much about before! Isn’t that more real? Bullshit. Meeting the love of your life is at least as important as landing that new job. The problem most men experience when they are anxious is that they are not presenting an image of their true selves. They are presenting an image of their anxious, stuttering, fearful, conservative selves. And that’s where having some real life stories – stories that they’ve practiced and know how to deliver comfortably – is a way to present their true selves. So, yes, there are some gimmicks out there, and maybe they are sort of generic and – in some sense – deceitful. But don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. Practice your true life stories. Practice the way you present yourself. Wing it when the conversation turns truly original, not when a girl asks you do or where you came from or where your family lives.

Dogmael says:

Good point, Lee. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, for reasons mentioned in my previous post. How to use the best of this information while still being myself. I think your job interview analogy is right on; when I was interviewing a few years ago, I had some “stock” responses, not unlike the stuff that presidential candidates use in debates. During the interview process, it really helped me to have an idea of what I was going to say on certain topics.

I also love what you said about presenting your true self- that really resonates with me. Even 3-4 dates into a relationship, I still have anxiety, and so I’m not necessarily showing the cool confident guy that I really am once I get comfortable with a person.

Btw Lee, I listened to a podcast interview that Eric did with you a while back (must be 2-3 years now), and there was some great stuff in there. You should start your own blog one of these days!

Matthew says:

Wooooooooowwwww this is such an accurate article.
5 min after reading an it feels like my head has been lifted out of a cloud.

jason says:

im 17 and iv been in a relationship for about 6 months now,
oh and iv been doing everything completely wrong… i realize now tht i became clingy and the best-friend type, she says shes not attracted to me which creates a world of sexual frusteration, we love eachother deeply and we always have a good time together but its time for her to start seeing me as a boyfriend and not a friend, i know she is a very sexually driven person and that tears me apart to know tht she just isnt with me, how can i bring this sexual side out of her? we’ve discussed this problem countless times and it seems to be a pattern because neither one of us has any intention of breaking up, we just want to get around this… i want her to see me and be as turned on as i am. i have no idea why the fuck she isnt, im confident in myself and am fucking good looking,its really been killing my self esteem, of course id never admit this to anyone publically but i cried for the 1st time in a longgg time a couple of nights ago at the fear of loosing her over this dumb sexual shit! were desperate and dont know what the helll to do, iv taken your advice and started pushing myself away from her at hopes tht she’ll become more interested, i doubt your even reading this but im still clinging to some sort of hope that she can become attracted to me, im lost.

daam says:

Im glad i stumbled on this, :3 Ive been feeling like this for the past day and i know i shouldnt as its coutner productive. But yea, I did this shit and i took the risk, oh man this was a lifesavin read.

eliza says:

this is so interesting. I went through this for close to the last two years. I know that I have social anxiety but I never thought of putting that together with obsessing about a guy. It makes me feel like total shit when I do this. Overanalyzing every detail with worry. It f-ing sucks and gives me more anxiety b/c I know it’s not normal to do this. It makes me feel like a freaky, love-obsessed teenager. Seeing it as you suggest helps changing that pattern easier.

Jay says:

Hey eric, I ‘ve been follwing your stuff and its really……………….. this really works.. I was unable to concentrate on work even I just followed you and got set my mind really you’r is wonder mind