Why You Should Start All Relationships as Casual
January 24th, 2008 by 
Eric Disco
“Give her the gift of missing you” – David DeAngelo
It used to happen to me all the time. I would hook up with a girl and all of a sudden it was like we were boyfriendgirlfriend. All of a sudden it was a relationship.
With girls that I was ambivalent about, they would be pretty happy that we were in a relationship. And I would start to feel crowded pretty darn quick.
With women who I was more excited about, I would go off the deep end. Way too much too soon. And they would run screaming.
I thought that’s what women wanted. Women want relationships, don’t they?
As it turns out, women actually like to take things slow. Even if you do get physical early on, it’s better to keep it chilly at the beginning. I would use the word ‘casual.’
A brilliant and gorgeous friend of mine recently explained it to me from a woman’s point of view.
I was working at a bakery and he was a customer there. I was going through a rough patch. He saw me totally change one night.
I was really upset and he picked up on that. He came up to me and we connected for a minute.
Here was this guy who’s attractive and social and wanting to reach out and talk to girls and he really did connect with me. That’s why I was attracted to him.
We went out. And hooked up. It was the first day after we connected.
But he didn’t take it slow after that. The speed with which it was ON was huge. He was calling me every other day. It’s not so supposed to be that way.
I know who I am. I chill. See you in a week. Slowly build something. That’s how you’re gonna be strong. When you build things slowly.
And you know more about what you want. And you see. You’re slow about it and you care about yourself and see things that you like and don’t like and what you wanna work on.
Instead it had propelled itself into feeling like we had been dating for months. It had that feeling that it was like “Oh now all of a sudden we have this thing.”
You know how when you meet someone and it’s little by little, step by step and you build something? It felt like we were already in the middle of something that we never really built toward. It felt like we were putting the cart before the horse.
It didn’t feel natural.
The way he was texting me and calling me, it didn’t feel genuine. It felt like he was needy, that he wanted a relationship rather than wanting me.
There was an eagerness in him. Even though I was attracted to him, I was thinking, I don’t want to be with somebody who’s so desperate.
It didn’t feel like he wanted to learn about ME. It felt like he was doing those things, showing interest, as a way to have somebody, rather than because he really liked me.
It made me feel like he didn’t see me as a person.
He wasn’t letting me take responsibility for my life. It’s really hard for me to let people take care of me and help me.
After a while it scared me.
If he had taken things slower, that would have made a huge difference.
I tried to take things slower. I flat out told him “You’re giving me a bit of anxiety, you need to back off.”
And he tried. He would back off and I would be like “cool!” It would be like three days and I would be okay. If he would have called me every three or four days, that would have been perfect.
But he just couldn’t relax. It seemed like there was nothing in him that could be slower.
It made me feel like he wasn’t the guy for me.
It’s weird because I say one thing and then want another. I really do want someone to show that they care about me. With him it just developed so not genuine.
Sometimes I think that I just didn’t believe that someone could like me that much. And I actually questioned why a girl wouldn’t want to be with that guy.
I thought there was something wrong with me.
Here’s this nice guy who wants to be with someone–why don’t I want to be with him? What’s wrong with me? This guy really likes me and I’m not into him!
But when you jump on things that quick, it’s gonna fizzle out. I can tell when a person is like that. I’ve seen it in other relationships.
It’s like they were just waiting for someone–anyone. It makes you feel like they just wanted somebody, not you.
One day at a time. And show that you are into somebody in different ways instead of just calling them all the time.
I want somebody to show that they care about themselves as much as they pretend to care about me. It was like he just put everyone before himself.
It’s harsh to say but you come first. You need to take care of yourself and build that trust.
I wasn’t dating so that I’d have a relationship. It was just that I’m human and I like men and I want to date. It was never where I felt, okay it’s time to have a relationship.
When you are ready to have a relationship, I don’t think you decide that. I think it does.
Whether it’s a fun, casual thing or you think maybe she’s “the one,” the best thing to do is to start it off slow and casual.
What is casual? Certain things, such as saying “I love you,” meeting her family, and bringing your toothbrush over to her apartment are obvious indicators that you are getting serious.
But these are all secondary. The biggest indicator of the seriousness of a relationship is how often you see her, how often you call her, how often you text each other.
You could tell a girl “I don’t want to be serious.” But if you are seeing each other three or four times a week or talking on the phone every day, no matter what anyone says, the relationship has become serious.
In other words… TAKE IT SLOW. After the first date, put a few days in between the times you talk or text. Put some oxygen on that fire.
Give it some time for the thought of you to rattle around in her head.
As excited as you are, allow it to develop into something real. And that will happen by taking it slow.
Posted in Relationships | 
20 Comments »
January 24th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Goddamn it, I just texted a girl I reeaaally like the day after our first “date” (though I’ve known her from before), telling her I want to meet again soon. I didn’t want to screw that one up! God, I’m such an idiot!
January 24th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Texting a girl right after a date isn’t so bad, particularly if you hooked up. I would just be careful to text too often. And I would err on the side of texting her flirty things instead of more serious stuff or asking her out on another date so fast.
January 24th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Very good advice. Definitely what I need right now. I’ve been dating a girl for a little while now. I feel the ‘needyness’ of my past self coming out. The ‘needy’ guy that only comes out when you really like someone. The ‘wussbag’ according to david d. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your head that you can’t see what’s actually happening around you. You get so wrapped up in your ‘ideal’ that the reality that you are pushing her away becomes secondary until it’s too late.
January 24th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Well, we didn’t hook up. I’m not sure if she even knew I thought of it as a “date”. Most likely she didn’t. That’s one thing I’ve been thinking about a lot. I go on dates every now and then, but nothing ever happens. If there seems to have been some attraction before the date, it is brutally killed during the date, for one reason or another. And I’m never sure if the girl knows it’s a date, if you know what I mean. How do you make it clear on beforehand? Or do you have to do it during the date?
January 24th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Hey Mikael,
Sounds like a very common problem. This is done during the date, although you can do small things to set it up before the date. For example, telling her to make sure she doesn’t get you drunk and take advantage of you.
During the date you are going to want to amp up the sexuality and flirting. When you sit down next to her, ask her “Is this okay how close I’m sitting, or is it going to turn you on too much.”
Another important aspect of moving from Friend Zone into romance is physical contact. There should be as much of it as possible. Use any excuse possible.
Hi-Five her.
Thumb Wrestle her.
I will say something like “I love your hair, where do you get it done,” while I run my fingers through her hair.
I used to brutally kill the attraction on my dates but then learned how to be a lot more chill and fun with things.
Check out this article, Amp Attraction When You’re Next to Her. Body orientation is actually the most important aspect of attraction. That alone will fan the flames of desire!
Eric
January 24th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
[...] Why You Should Start All Relationships as Casual From: approachanxiety.com It used to happen to me all the time. I would hook up with a girl and all of a sudden it was like we were boyfriendgirlfriend. All of a sudden it was a relationship. » more 1 [...]
January 25th, 2008 at 2:22 am
This piece of advice never became more apparent to me other than right now. I’m attracted to a friend of mine and the attraction is mutual. She and I both live in the same dorm building, and upon finding that she was interested in me, she and I were inseparable and very close for about 3 days, and then… we stopped hanging out all of a sudden. She later explained to me that although she was definitely into me, didn’t want to get into a relationship right now and wanted to get to know me first… and unfortunately, I couldn’t be able to understand that at first.
It took me a few days to mull that over and I finally realized what she meant and what she wanted to do. Because of those three initial days, I had a tough time resisting the urge to bug her during my thinking time. Thankfully I didn’t, and now I see those three days as a taste of what could be, if I don’t mess things up royally…
The one question I have is this though: She and I, like I stated before, live in the same dorm building and run into each other almost every day. Although she and I hang out with two different groups of people, how exactly can I be able to utilize this advice effectively without giving her a cold shoulder?
January 25th, 2008 at 8:23 am
Oooh, the perils of hooking up with someone in your building.
If you’re trying to put a little space between you to build up the attraction and you’re gonna be forced to see her I would do this.
Still be 100% happy to see her, still be flirty, but be the first one to go and the first to end the interactions. Always have something to do.
You can even drop things like “Oh my god, I am so busy this week.”
You could put some time between you and soon she’ll be dying to hang out again. You could even wait until she suggests hanging out. And when she suggests a day, suggest a few days later.
Since she got freaked out, you really want to let this simmer and build up the wanting before you hang out with her again. Tough, I know, but you need to focus on yourself and feeling good about yourself before you hang out with her again.
Eric
January 25th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Ah ha, cest la vie.
It wasn’t meant to last, I suppose. I was planning to catch up on some books on my reading list tonight, but guess who happened to show up at my door, bored and wanting to do something?
Yeah, she did. We spent a good portion of the night hanging out and playing games together, which she brought up and wanted to do for a long time, apparently (She’s a REALLY cute gamer geek). I believe we had a good time, what with the play fighting, cuddling, and hair petting that took place. I think the only time things went a little downhill was when we decided to watch a movie and the friend we picked up the movie from came along and sat with us. It didn’t feel as relaxed as it was before, and I think out of impulse I sat myself between her and him.
For the most part, I think I’m going to continue on with that advice and stick to doing my own thing. I think that’s pretty much one of the reasons why she found me attractive in the first place, and me stopping or slowing down could very well be detrimental…
February 3rd, 2008 at 8:01 am
What about when this takes place the other way round, i.e. when the MAN-’chaser’ is overwhelmed by the neediness?- eagerness? of the WOMAN?
I met this quite cute, Romanian, girl on Friday evening, in the supermarket (is ‘convenience store’ the american equivalent?). First, she told me she does not give her phone number to strangers, and then, not two seconds later, she gives it to me.
[By the way, I sort of stuck with many aspects of my 'game' in this interaction. It was the embarrassment of being heard by at least 5 people around perhaps? I hurriedly asked for the number just 2 minutes into the interaction, and the conversation itself was awkward, combined with the fact she does not speak English very well. I just focused on my body language, with the other aspects suffering..]
Then I call her yesterday (Saturday), and we chat, she makes a lot of compliments, etc. etc., I ask her to meet during the week, after politely rejecting her own proposition to meet TODAY!. Afterwards, she texts me making more compliments, asking me to call her again, etc. etc.
I do feel overwhelmed and all I want to do is for her to TAKE IT SLOWER. After all, I have not even decided the nature and course of our relationship (broad definition), since I barely know her.
What, then, would a PUA do in this case?
June 15th, 2008 at 1:25 am
in response to eric saying to mikael to sit down next to the girl and ask if its turning her on too much – please mikael dont take that advice!! if a guy did that to me i would think he was a desperate loser, that kinda talk only works once the girl is already, definitely into you.
August 30th, 2008 at 1:11 am
I went out with this guy a couple of weeks ago. We went for drinks; I definately felt a connection. The day after he sent me a text that read: “you’re cute and a lot of fun to be around”…of course reading this I was happy, so happy that I wrote back…”you’re adorable! I had so much fun…” that night, I went out and got drunk with my friends (the night after our date) I ended up taking a cab to his house and stayed the night. We slept together…something I definately regret doing because I knew we both wanted to take things slow. Me, being a typical girl (emotional, clingy, confused..) I started texting him nearly every day/other day. We went to a movie the other night, but something about the way he was acting made me feel like I had done something wrong. I felt embarassed for texting him so many times. Would something like this turn him away? Do I still have hope?
August 30th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
he is still dating you so why do you ask if there was still hope? it is obv. not just a casual thing for him, otherwise he wouldn’t have gone to the cinema with you. just stay relaxed, stop texting him too much, give him the gift of missing you and do not too much interpret things into his behaviour (although you are a woman and it is prolly hard for you to stop doing that). remember the textmessage: “you are cute and a lot of fun to be around”, stay that way and everything will be alright.
October 8th, 2008 at 3:25 am
Great advice. Thank you!
October 17th, 2008 at 5:52 am
Such a great topic and i’m GUTTED i hadnt read it a couple of months ago. i’m basically asking if there is anyway back from rushing something so early and then it fizzling out.
My situation is as follows and any advice would be MUCH appreciated.
Met a girl about 2 months ago who i had previously known from going clubbing about 7-8 years ago. She had recently (6months ago) come out of a 7 year relationship which ended as a result of her being cheated on. the guy cheated on her with someone she knew and they all worked together. Their house from the relationship is about to be put up for sale.
The month that we were together was intense- multiple texting every day, stayed over a number of times etc. Then she called an end to it and said she wasnt ready for anything with so much going on. she also mentioned she still wanted to be friends. So i figured that we would be able to meet up as friends and that there would be some correspondence but the whole thing has been pretty much shut down. i have text a couple of times and had replies. My heads been pretty battered about it and obviously reading this post its clear that everything went WAY too fast.
She’s obviously panicked and is not in the right place emotionally yet given that she was cheated on.
Basically is there anyway back and if so what do i have to do or have i wrecked any shot that I had cos i do really like her??
January 8th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Isn’t this idea a bit cotradictary to the article under Sexual Escalation, where Lance Mason says it is better to go for the escalation, ALWAYS?
Please explain.
May 8th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Wow, this is a great article. I am seeing a guy for 2 1/2 months, and we said we want to continue in the direction were going but dont want to move things too fast. Just wanted to make sure its a good thing, because on the internet you dont know what the heck to believe.
September 23rd, 2010 at 9:34 pm
Good advice but for future reference adding oxygen to a fire will increase the rate of combustion; the reaction will continue forcefully. That’s the opposite of your analogy. Sorry my inner geek couldn’t let that slide.
September 2nd, 2011 at 10:04 am
I’m not sure about what to do..
Two days ago, I went on a first date with this beautiful girl I met on a social network site. We had been texting regularly for about a month or two.
The date went very well, and I hooked up with her. We were making eachother laugh all the time and I want to keep seeing this girl because I like her.
After we kissed for the first time, I impulsively said that I was going to this party in octobre. Without me asking she then immediately said that she could sleep with her niece who lives closer by so we could go together.
After reading this post I first decided that I would be casual about it and just let the relationship build up without me ever asking if she wants to be exclusive. Then I talked to two of my friends – who have a very decent experience with girls – about it, but they didn’t agree with this post. They gave me the advice to try and make her my girlfriend on the second date (seeing as we kissed plenty on the first date). They told me I should ask her opinion: “Do you see what we have going on as a relationship?”. If she says yes then it’ll be official, if she says no then I know I should be carefull not to waste a lot of time on her.
The reasons for this are:
- She could be waiting for me to ask her opinion and if I don’t do it soon she’ll think I’m not interested enough.
- Until she is in a relationship, she won’t be faithfull.
- If we keep seeing eachother like this, what are we going to answer if someone (a friend maybe) asks us if we are a couple?
I kind of agree, but only because their way of asking her opinion is not at all pushy.
So what do you think about this? Do you think maybe I should be more indirect about it, and how?
Keep in mind that I’m 19 and I’m dealing with a 17 year old girl (with some experience).
September 2nd, 2011 at 10:11 am
No! Don’t ask that question! Thats the worst advice ever! No No no! Just let things develop naturally, never ever ever try and define it.