One of my friends asked me lately why I continue to focus on approach anxiety. I still do get some flutters and nervousness when approaching women in certain situations, but it is certainly not as huge a challenge as it was for me in the beginning.

Why continue to focus on it?

I believe that approach anxiety is the first step in understanding inner game. It is the keys to the kingdom, as it were. There are so many guys out there, lurkers who read about how to improve their lives, but only the brave few take it to the next level.

I always felt like if I were able to get past approach anxiety, I could get past anything. And that’s true to some extent. Read the rest of this entry »

She’s sitting across the room. She’s beautiful. You’ve got the skills to approach her. Maybe it’s a nightclub or a a bookstore and nobody knows each other.

Or maybe it’s a social circle situatoin. Maybe a house party. Maybe a dinner party. A seminar. A yoga class. An improv comedy class. A work function. A dance class.

In a non-social circle situation, you can approach the girl right away. Or you can talk to other people in the room. It’s not as big a deal.

But in social circle situations, sometimes you want to bide your time. You still want to be the most social guy in the room, but there’s no need to show interest right away. Biding your time can be in your favor.

At this point, I believe that body language is paramount. What you do with your eye gaze and body language orientation will demonstrate your power in this situation. Read the rest of this entry »

When asked in workshops how many people were in Gifted and Talented in school, a majority of students raise their hands.

The smart kids are often introverted. 75% of people with an IQ above 160 are introverts even though introverts are a 3 to 1 minority in society. Being too smart seems to cause problems for guys socially.

In this article, Existential Depression in Gifted Individuals, Author and Psychiatrist James Webb, talks about how gifted kids tend to get depressed from literally THINKING TOO MUCH.

These youngsters quickly spot the inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities in society and in the behaviors of those around them. Read the rest of this entry »

I used to think my brother-in-law didn’t like me. He and I are different in a lot of ways. But the main difference is that he is a naturally confident guy. He’s the type that’s not afraid to speak up and say whatever he wants. Naturally gregarious.

Whenever I got around him I become even more quiet and introverted, as shy guys often do around extroverted people. He would “bust” on me an crack jokes. I thought it meant that he didn’t like me. But that was just his way of communicating.

I saw him recently and everything was completely different. We got along. No, we didn’t get along famously. But we enjoyed each other’s company. And it’s all because I was able to stop worrying about the things that didn’t matter.

I often tell people that pickup is the most important thing I’ve ever done in my life. I don’t know if approaching girls is for everyone. But I believe that if you want it badly enough, anyone can get there. Read the rest of this entry »

1. Know Yourself

I am an introvert. That means I need time alone to recharge.

You may see this as a weakness when it comes to pickup, but it’s also a strength. It means I am inherently sensitive. Yes sometimes I am hypersensitive.

But I have an advantage in connecting with one other person, even if I do have a disadvantage in connecting with five other people at a time.

To know yourself is to know where you are in this process.

I have done a lot of work on myself in this area. I have made wonderful progress. I feel wonderful in certain situations where before I would have felt fear and uncertainty.

In small groups of friends I am way more comfortable than I used to be. I used to have trouble with this. And I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to be able to enjoy that now instead of being hypersensitive about things which I don’t need to be.

To know yourself is to know where you want to be.

I still have work to do. There are still situations where I don’t feel comfortable, where I would like to. Read the rest of this entry »

“I can not do this,” he said to me.

From the look of utter pain and defeat in his eyes, I knew he was telling the truth.

We sat there, across from each other in the Barnes and Noble bookstore. No matter what we did, he would not be able to approach a girl.

Earlier, I could tell we were going to have trouble when we did warm-ups.

“We’re going to the food court, ” I’d said, “but first, I want you to ask five people for directions how to get there.”

“But I feel like I’m lying. I know where the food court is.”

Social anxiety will play the strangest tricks on you.

No, it’s not a legitimate excuse. But really, are any of them?

He barely squeaked out five directions. Read the rest of this entry »

It’s the old romance story.

The guy fights through all these obstacles, does superhuman heroic things.

And then he meets the girl.

And he decides to make himself vulnerable to her because he sees something special in her.

But what does it mean to actually make yourself vulnerable to another person?

Is it the sharing of a deep, dark painful secret?

Yes. And No.

It involves more than that. Read the rest of this entry »

A Reader Writes: You’ve really nailed the nuts and bolts of approach anxiety. The problem is, I know this stuff, but every fucking time I go to act, I shut myself down. I justify why I can’t do this right now, how I’m just too scared. I imagine myself walking up to a woman with ease, but cannot even begin to actually try it. I even did a workshop last year, was too scared to do most of the approaches suggested by the coach, and did not do any further approaches following the workshop.

This is a great question. One of my recommendations, if you want to make the most amount of progress with the least amount of pain, is to do one approach every day. But what if you can’t even do one approach? Read the rest of this entry »

Yesterday, one of my friends said he wants to start going out and approaching twenty girls a day. I respect him and think it’s cool that he has that much drive and ambition.

Going out for a number of hours in one day can be a good thing. Your skills will improve a lot.

However, it left me wondering, even if you could approach that many girls every day, how genuine would you really be?

An important part of learning to approach women is learning to integrate it into your life. You don’t want to be a pickup machine. You want to be a NATURAL. Integrating pickup into your life takes time. A bit of progress every day.

Going out for long periods of time can make you mechanical because you have less of a life outside of picking up girls. You end up needing more scripted material and risk becoming fake. Read the rest of this entry »