Tackling Approach Anxiety By The Knees

by Eric Disco
Apr 19

Today we have a guest post from Pickup 101 Coach Walter Yu!

We know Approach Anxiety (read: your body’s resistance to approaching a girl) is a physical limitation.

It’s no different from hitting the gym or giving a speech to a crowd – if we don’t already have the training, our bodies will fight us and even take some damage.

If our bodies aren’t used to regular exercise, our muscles will ache and strain during exercise. During our speech, we might lock up in front of the crowd.

I’ve been doing martial arts since I was a kid, so fortunately I haven’t experienced the pain of missing regular exercise. But I did have anxiety speaking in front of crowds.
It didn’t show immediately: I was naturally talkative to begin with, but a closer look would’ve given it all away.

I would dissipate my nervous energy by fidgeting, speaking way too fast and not looking people in the eye while I spoke.

The same cues would give me away when I first started getting better at interacting with women. I’d hesitate with my eye contact and physical touch, two things people immediately pick up about you.

We all know when someone is nervous in front of a crowd, whether it’s a politician giving a difficult speech or a stand-up comedian trying to work the crowd.

As we get more comfortable being in front of an attractive woman, the more we can sense that ability in others.

It’s taken me two years to get to where I am today with my dating life: from average guy with average results to making this stuff an everyday habit.

You know they say that creating wealth is really about creating habits. And you’re creating social wealth in generating choice with women.

We choose whether to tackle anxiety by the knees or not, each and every morning.

When we wake up, make our coffee, pick up the paper, and walk the streets, we choose whether or not to do something about talking to that cute girl.

But it ain’t easy.

Our bodies resist us.

And our job is to start out slowly at first and turn up the intensity through time.

Our job is to build that support system to keep us going, because yes, women will tell you know.

I’m not gonna lie to you. Women will say no to you, sometimes they’ll ignore you, and yes, a few may not even like you.

It’s a fact of life, and it’s a numbers game.

But that’s also what makes it possible to overcome through consistent effort.

We don’t get back into shape by doing a triathalon the first week or speaking at a packed room of listeners – we start with small opportunities.

I can’t stress this enough.

We start out with some coaching to learn the basics. But that by itself won’t teach you to be better, you have to keep practicing.

One secret most guys get from workshop and don’t even realize is that we sow that seed of confidence in them. We show them it’s possible.

They leave super-charged on motivation because a path to mastery has emerged. They’ve seen it’s possible, they now know what it takes, and it’s their choice to make it happen.

Only the foolish would give up at that point. The true Mama’s boys or the guys who are so cynical that they really just want to get caught up in their own downward-spiraling thinking.

The months following that first workshop, the students work hard. They sometimes get doors slammed in their faces so to speak, but it’s an enjoyable process. They make friends, they go out, they make it happen.

And the last step – the one I’m stressing here – is that lasting change comes from commitment.

It’s in your choices and actions.

Yes, guys do get good after workshop – how long do they stay on top, and how far do they want to take it?

A select few come back to teach with us, to commit to that next level.

Now that’s not the only road to success, and neither is a workshop. But there are certain paths that are more likely to help you along.

So we have the choice each day of either suiting up and making it happen, or watching the action from the sidelines.

- Walter Yu


posted in Initiative and Inhibition

4 responses
bX says:

I failed again.

I suppose that is a good thing though, because it’s got to be a step in the right direction… right? One step closer to dealing with failure and rejection the right way.

Perhaps I’ve been spoiled by success. Throughout my life, I’ve always been successful at anything I put my mind to. Even though it may take some time to succeed, there were at least encouraging signs of improvement along the way.

This is the only thing I cannot tackle, and if there is anything I can’t deal with more than failing, it is failing CONSISTENTLY.

Tonight wasn’t just a failure. It was an exercise in futility, preceded by fleeting moments of hope.

It was I who had the balls to ask her to join the rest of the group to the next pub with us, not my co-worker. He wasn’t even going to come along, until he discovered what I had done. Then he was all over it.

I tried to have fun throughout the night, but really all I wanted to do was leave. But I stuck with it, just to be able to say that I failed all the way. Maintaining eye contact was always on my mind, but every time I glanced away and looked back, she was sitting closer to him.

It’s not like I wasn’t saying anything. I was talking up a storm. The liquid courage relaxed me enough so that I didn’t have any nervousness about me. I could speak freely and smoothly, and crack my normal jokes.

It didn’t matter. The last thing I wanted to do was be chump #2 in a head to head competition. But he was riding my coattails. Lame as fuck. I felt like I was being strung along by my own stubborn unwillingness to just throw in the fucking towel and call it a night.

And to think I have to put up with this frustration repeatedly for an indefinite amount of time, possibly forever, before I succeed.

But hey at least I failed.

It was I who had the balls to ask her to join the rest of the group to the next pub with us, not my co-worker. He wasn’t even going to come along, until he discovered what I had done. Then he was all over it.

Hey man. It sounds like your “friend” is not much of one. It’s really lame to hang out with people who, instead of supporting your courage, take advantage of it and leave you out to dry.

There are people out there who aren’t this lame. Find friends that support you in your endeavor. You deserve a lot more than this. If you can talk to girls, you can talk to guys. Find cool supportive people to hang out with. It’s so important.


Jools says:

i agree – i have friends who present a healthy challenge, so we both banter for the same girl, but we know why the other is doing it – it’s just a game, just like when we play backgammon or poker. That said, some people are just bastards. I never compete for a girls attention with somebody unless we have an agreement that it’s a competition or a game, and i never let anybody compete with me for a girls attention and still be friends with them afterwards.

girls should never come between real friends!

anyway, her interest in your coworker was almost certainly not a rejection of you personally, but probably more of your methods. don’t walk around feeling like you’ve failed, i have a habit of doing that too and i know how unhealthy it is. i try to reframe perceived failure, point out the parts where i actually did do well, like with your approach and invitation, which was fairly impressive i think.

e.g. last night i approached three fantastically hot girls, and they were loving it, but long story short, i got edged out by three super-cocky sargers who were obviously out trying their new NLP shit. i felt shitty about it – but hey, i did the approach, and they were laughing like hell until the other guys muscled in. that gives me something to work on – need to brush up on my tactics vs other guys.

But yeah, find some supportive friends ;)

Zhelyazko says:

BX…seems so familiar. I have been there many times and it just kills me. The negative emotions are something I can deal with on their own but being able to take initiative again after a night like this is a different matter.