Stop Ruminating and Start Approaching Women

by Eric Disco
Feb 19

It still happens to me once in a while. An interaction with someone will go badly and I end up feeling bad afterward. Most of the time I’m fine, whether the interaction goes well or not. But once in a while I end up feeling down about it.

I may even be in a strange city and I know I’ll never see these people again. But I’ll feel bad and start to think about it. Over and over. Even as I get to another city, I’ll replay it in my mind and try to figure out what I did wrong.

Was I too aggressive and maybe busted on the girl too much? Was it something specific I said that just personally offended her?

I’ve learned over and over that the path to freedom is acceptance. Feel the feeling and move on. It is the one thing that has allowed me to stop questioning every little thing I do and instead act more confident, more self-assured and take the lead.

Being high status means being a leader. You can’t take the lead if at every turn you are always questioning yourself.

If an approach doesn’t go well there is a tendency to question yourself about why. But sometimes there’s nothing to learn and you can’t question yourself that much. You need to just move on. You need to chalk up the failure as just another step toward your goal to becoming successful with women.

Even within the microcosms of interactions with people, you can’t constantly question things that you do. You can’t double-think everything. You need to trust your own instincts at some point. This comes with practice and experience. You’ve done it enough times that you know whatever you say will work. Or at least it should.

“Is this the party van?” I say as I climb into the airport shuttle with two complete strangers. I am just being a fun, cool guy and if they don’t take it well, it won’t bother me.

In any given situation there are two options: high status or low status. In the past I had plenty of experience with low status.

When you feel low status, you are cautious of your every word. You don’t want to offend anyone. You are relating to people with defensiveness–as if you are under threat. Your inferiority comes out in your body language as well as your words: gaze avoidance, withdrawal, acting shy, embarrassed and socially anxious. I know exactly how it feels. I used to be this way.

When you feel low-status, you are self-reflective. You are overly concerned with how others see you. Every time you take a chance and do something outside of yourself you ruminate. You think about it. Should I have done that? How was it received? It was appropriate, wasn’t it? What if I offended someone?

When you are high status you act as if people already like you. You feel creative, exploratory and fun. In this mode you feel like anything you say will be well-received. And it is. Your confidence and personality conveys a high-status attractive side of yourself.

When I tell a girl she’s a dork, she giggles and laughs. It’s not that funny. It’s the high status way in which I say it.

How do you get to be the high status, cool fun guy around everyone?

Stop ruminating! In order to stop thinking so deeply about everything that you do in social situations you have to let yourself take chances. Let loose. It may feel a bit uncomfortable at first but keep practicing. It gets easier.

You are probably a cool, fun guy around your guy friends. You need to be like this around everyone, particularly around hot girls.

Ideally, you should have the same personality around everyone. It shouldn’t change depending on who you’re with.

When you avoid ruminating and practice doing what you want socially you set into motion a chain of events that will allow you to be even more free and outgoing next time around.

In the Art of Attraction workshop, we teach guys how to be outgoing and creative. Ironically, you can learn to be yourself. You can tap into that creative side of yourself. Sometimes it comes by putting on training wheels and using someone else’s lines. Try telling a girl she’s trouble or that that she’s having way too much fun today.

And if you piss a few people off, it is inevitable. It is a small price to pay. If something happens and you end up saying something stupid or inappropriate, catch yourself thinking about it and stop. Instead congratulate yourself for being an awesome person and moving toward your goals.


posted in Embarrassment and Rejection

7 responses
Mike says:

funny you should mention the word dork because a few days ago a girl got upset with me calling her dork. i think i just saturated the interaction with playful teasing. it might of just been too heavy. and like you said i retreated into my mind and became very insecure for the next couple of hours.

eventually i got over it by knowing that i’m approaching a lot of girls and that either one of them can be cooler then her. i even sent her a text sincerely apologizing her for calling her dork. most likely i wont see her again so there’s absolutely no harm in being a bit AFC and apologizing. after all it was my bad. i felt even better after apologizing because she responded with a pretty positive text, even with some flirting.

so that was my little emotional rollercoaster. the keys to getting out of that crappy self conscious state? knowing there will be more girls. knowing that any fuckups can be learned from and that the more i fuck up, the more i learn.

good post. i especially like the part about no second guessing yourself and not overthinking certain things. you can get yourself depressed by overthinking certain blowouts or harsh rejections. it used to happen to me.


Nick says:

Great post. Sounds a lot like my past and current experiences. Good to know it’s not just me.

bluescreen says:

Not sure how applicable this is, but I think it’s worthwhile.
I remember when I worked for a department store
I got friendly during inventory night with one of the department
There was another manager who looked similar to her, with
a similar name.
I said “hello” to the second one, thinking she was the first,
and she responded very positively – confusing the two
of them benefited me because I approached her
believing sincerely that we were already friendly.

Gabe says:

Great post, sound advice. When you are rumination you are in your head too much and that can paralyze your game. Live in the now. It’s hard to do, but it can be learned. These are some key ideas to developing Inner Game.

Al says:

Thanks for the article. Gives me a new perspective on a recent uncomfortable AMOG at a night club.

Dragonclaw says:

Great advice Eric. Overthinking a bad interaction has been a problem for me for a while. Allow me to say this for everyone:

“Accept the reality that things won’t always go perfectly. Failure is a part of life but unfortunately people have a neurotic tendancy to define themselves by it. Rather than beating yourself up over your failures see them as opportunities to learn and emotionally grow. Congratulate yourself for actually having the confidence and motivation to approach women and start conversations in the first place, regardless of whatever the outcome’s may have been at those given times. Every failure is step to success, you’ll never get there if you don’t try.”

i-like-apples says:

Great and very useful site. Especially the online book