Everyone was dancing and having a great time. I love to dance, but my dancefloor attraction game isn’t that great. So I decided to try and figure it out.
I tried to come up next to a girl and dance next to her, shoulder to shoulder, where both of us were facing in the same direction. That didn’t seem to work. The girl wouldn’t turn to face me.
I tried going up to another girl and doing the fun hip-check, something I do all the time with girls I’m friends with or already know. That didn’t work either. The girl still faced her inner circle.
I was looking around at the guys that were there and what they were doing. They were dancing face-to-face with the girls, twirling them, pulling them in.
This time, I decided I was going to make the bold move, and just go walk up to a girl, face-to-face and start dancing with her, start twirling her. This worked! The girl starts dancing with me and we pull each other in. Pretty soon we are dirty dancing and getting very cuddly.
Looking back, it seems to make a lot of sense why this works. When I was dancing around the edges, “hovering,” I was playing it safe. I wasn’t being bold, confident or risking anything. And I was doing it because I didn’t want to take a risk. I didn’t want to risk feeling rejected if I walked up to a girl and grabbed her and started dancing with her. What if she didn’t want to dance with me?
It seems that it comes back to this time and time again, this whole idea of risk versus reward.
When I take the initiative to walk up to a girl, this in itself will make me more attractive to her. This is why oftentimes during the day, when I walk up to a girl and start a conversation, there is much more attraction from that action than if I do it at night. It’s because there is more social risk to me when I do it during the day.
There is much less risk at a huge nightclub where it’s dark and loud and every guy has drunk more than enough liquid courage to walk up to that very attractive girl and talk to her.
The last few months I have been figuring out how to meet girls on the subway. I was approaching a lot of girls in the park over the summer, but when it got cold I needed to start approaching girls somewhere else.
The subway was daunting. Oftentimes there would be five, ten or twenty people within earshot as I approached the girl. I had a lot of anxiety at the beginning because of this. What if I got embarrassed or rejected?
What I found was that this actually generated MORE attraction then when I walked up to a girl in the park. If I could do it comfortably on the subway platform when twenty people were watching, it showed how confident and immune to social pressure I was.
And this stuff is proven. The results of a recent study showed that women prefer risk-taking men in a variety of relationship contexts–much moreso than men prefer risk-taking in women.
There is a natural tendency for guys to be self-protective. Women are used to guys who act on their fear all the time. They don’t make themselves vulnerable. It’s part of why online dating is so popular. There is much less risk for a guy to send an e-mail to a girl than to walk up to her and speak to her.
Taking risks requires a willingness to risk disapproval. There is no such thing as “just being” confident or courageous. Learning to be confident is something that comes from consistent focused intensity, small baby steps out of your shell of self-protection. You will get rejected, blown-out, embarrassed, humiliated and creeped-out on your path to confidence.
Are you willing to take that risk to be excellent with women? Are you willing to walk up to her and risk getting rejected? Are you willing to banter and have fun instead of being safe and boring? Will you go for a phone number instead of an e-mail? Will you be willing to sexually escalate with the girl instead of waiting? All these factors will contribute to how attractive you are to the woman.
If you think you can become excellent with women by not risking, you’re wrong. Because it’s learning to take risks in itself that will be an integral part of your attractiveness to women.