How To Deal With Embarrassment

by Eric Disco
Dec 5

I’m walking through the park, looking for girls to approach on my daily lunch outting. I walk up to this girl sitting at a table eating.

“Hi. I was just heading back to work and I wanted to come say hi.”

“I’m married,” she says with a bit of a snarl.

“My name’s Eric,” I say. I’m not really into married girls, but I’m just being friendly.

“I’m married!” she says really loudly, just below a yell.

I notice other people in the viscinity turn and look at what’s going on.

“Cool,” I say and turn and walk away.

Immediately the affects of embarrasment take hold. I start to blush. A cheap, fake grin comes over my face. My blood pressure starts to rise. I just want to hide, not be there. I just want to get away.

As the day progresses, I notice that I’m beating myself up over it. It’s that same feeling I get when I say or do something stupid in a social situation, when a make a faux paus. Like when I do something inappropriate.

“Why didn’t I notice the wedding ring?” I say to myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I think

It’s a gnawing, ruminating feeling. It is no longer embarrassment. I’ve allowed the embarrassment to turn to shame.

In the past few months, its been a project of mine to understand the rejection, embarrassment, and humiliation that can accompany a pickup. It is something that inevitably we all feel and must deal with.

Embarrassment is social emotion that evolved us to function in social situations. When you accidentally spill a drink on your friend’s girlfriend, it’s a positive thing to act embarrassed. It shows you care.

However, the fear of embarrassment has many times stopped me from doing a pickup. Picture a crowded subway platform. There are twenty people around within earshot of your pickup. The stakes are much higher because you don’t want to feel that uncomfortable embarrassment.

Embarrassment can be understood as the opposite of social confidence. The confident alpha guy absorbs the spotlight, enjoys being seen. Being comfortable with being seen is part of being alpha.

When you are embarrassed you want to hide.

It is important to learn to accept the possibility of embarrassment and learn how to best deal with it. I have two suggestions.

The first is probably one of the most important things I’ve learned about pickup and about becoming more alpha.

If you get embarrassed, there is really very little you can do to avoid the symptoms. Your body reacts to the situation. You cannot control it. You cannot make yourself not feel embarrassed just as you cannot make yourself feel embarrassed.

But what you can do is stop it from turning into shame. If you get embarrassed, accept the feeling. Allow yourself to feel embarrassed. The best thing I’ve found is to be internally silent at this point. Don’t look back over the pickup to see what you did wrong right now. There will be time for that later. You will not forget the details of this.

Your body is in an aroused phsysiological state right now. The feeling should last maybe about five minutes, ten minutes tops. Most of the time, your body will be fully calmed within 15 minutes. All that physiological arousal will have passed. After that, you will be in a different state, both physically, mentally, and emotionally.

It is at that point that you need to congratulate yourself for doing something very very good. You put yourself out there. You approached and it didn’t go well. That’s excellent! Yes, it’s good to look back over the approach and figure out what you could have done better. But make sure that first and foremost you are congratulating yourself for even doing it.

Because if you allow yourself to feel bad at this point, if you allow this “failure” to turn to shame, your next pickup will be affected. Conversely, if you can just blow it off at this point, if you can say fvck it, I’m not going to feel bad, your next approach will be that much easier.

Part of being outgoing, being extroverted and being a socially confident guy, is being willing to take risks and learning to be desensitized to when things don’t go so well. Stop ruminating on failure!

The second important thing you can do, is act confident once you become embarrassed. Stand tall, walk slowly away.

On the approach, Pickup 101 teaches a “fake it till you make it” approach. You learn the mechanics of confidence and how to act confident, regardless if at the moment you arent’ confident. You can still act confident even if you are nervous, even if you have anxiety. Eventually your body will become more comfortable with approaching.

The same can be applied to embarrassment (and rejection as well). If you become embarrassed, you may not be able to stop yourself from feeling embarrassed, but you can still act confident. You can eliminate low-status behavior as you walk away from that “failed” approach. Pretty soon you will find that you are less susceptible to embarrassment.

Embarrassment will no longer be something to be feared and avoided. You’ll be able to place yourself into more situations where you risk embarrassment and become less sensitized to it.

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posted in Embarrassment and Rejection

COMMENTS
13 responses
MikeNYC says:

I approached a girl in barns yesterday (horsegirl). She replied with “what is this pickup line or something”. She was visibly disgusted. I walked away feeling shame… but I tried to hold composer and not let it effect me physically.

I kept thinking about that set for the remainder of the evening. i let the shame take me and I started to doubt my entire approach. I started thinking “god, horsegirl is such a stupid opener, normal girls see through it so easily, its so stupid and fake”. I completely ignored all the times that horesgirl worked for me and only dwelled on the negative.

it’s 7PM and it’s time to approach again, I still have that feeling of shame in me. I can remember that one girl vividly; I can remember her disgusted face.

But I’m still gona go out today. I’m really really trying to be consistent with opening at least one set every day. I feel tired, my feet hurt from walking today, and I’m dressed less then impressive. Everything’s telling me to just go home and play xbox. But I still have to approach at least one set a day.

I have so many goals. I want to get used to opening in barns (its scary in barns) I want to completely rethink my look and create one that triggers a sexual response. I want to get over my anxiety to escalate when doing night game. And most importantly I want to start having CONSISTANT day 2s.

There are so many things to work on.

Your posts helped me once again Disko. I’ll shoot you a call soon.
Until then!

Mike.

ZaReK says:

It’s not what you say but how you say it. If it’s from a place of power then it’s going to work, otherwise, forget about it.

Same for what has happen to Eric. When she said twice that she was married, I’d probably have said, “hey, calm down, I’m just trying to have some conversation with you. Now that I know you’re married, let’s talk about X” then go on. If she repeated the same old crap, I’d just have left.

Best thing you can do is take full responsability (do not say it’s her fault). Then, just let it go. In the beginning, we weight everything we’re doing as the BIG thing, but the more we open, the more we meet new people, the less affected we become.

JamesBond008 says:

Hei Erik,

I thank GOD, you and pick up 101 for giving me the ability to approach girls. Am a poor student still on his road to explore the world and I have to start from somewhere since I can’t afford a work shop but that gets me starting.
I just have some few questions, because the girl I approached today in the library got totaly creeped out when I told her a think she is cute and I wanted to meet her and it something that doesn’t happen alot to people here. I rarely get bad results and the same line worked with a fantastic girl just 2 days ago but rejection feels really bad and am asking do you think I shouldn’t take anything personally or can I try the same line since I love direct openers.
I also have a question because I don’t like to go out just with the purpose of picking up girls. Am a student and I want to be succesful with girls and in my career, it freaks me out and increase anxiety when I feel am just going out to pick up girls who do you deal with it.
Thanks alot

I just have some few questions, because the girl I approached today in the library got totaly creeped out when I told her a think she is cute and I wanted to meet her and it something that doesn’t happen alot to people here. I rarely get bad results and the same line worked with a fantastic girl just 2 days ago but rejection feels really bad and am asking do you think I shouldn’t take anything personally or can I try the same line since I love direct openers.

You should keep using the same opener if it’s been working for you. One of the things I tell guys is that if the opener doesn’t work on a girl, go and do the EXACT SAME opener on another girl as soon as possible. You start to see that it wasn’t the opener itself, but something with the situation. It could be

- You were too serious looking and gave off a serial-killer vibe
- You crowded her personal space
- There was just something with her, any one of a million things. From her being in a bad mood to her having a bad day, etc.

The other thing is that in some situations, a direct opener may be too intense. If there’s NO ONE around, it could creep her out easily. In those situations, you may want to go with an indirect opener so that it’s more fun and playful and less pressure for her.

I also have a question because I don’t like to go out just with the purpose of picking up girls. Am a student and I want to be succesful with girls and in my career, it freaks me out and increase anxiety when I feel am just going out to pick up girls who do you deal with it.

This is something I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately. I think it’s good to go out for a half hour or so every day so that you get into the HABIT of talking to girls.

However, ultimately, you want to build a life around things you’re interested in. If you like art, go to gallery openings and shows. If you like politics, go to meetings, etc. This way the person you are looking for will really fit into your life when you find them. This is what they call IDENTITY.

I think ultimately the goal of this is to be able to meet, attract and date women anywhere you go, without having to go out to specifically find them.

Eric

Brad says:

I got blown off by a couple of girls on the way out of a bar. Granted, I got pressured by my friend to go “say something”, but I didn’t go through the initial steps of noticing them if they’re noticing me, looking for physical cues if they where receptive set or not…. everything stacked against me, so I guess I deserved it.

I kicked around on what I would say, waited far longer than 3 secs for sure, then I walked, I said something like, “why the hell are you two leaving? I just got here.” Yeah, probably not the best opener but it was the one I could think of. They both looked at me with “huh?” looks on their faces.. so I repeated it and I realized right there this was not going anywhere good.

They did the “conference” between with the disgusted looks on their faces… and I just kind of stood there a bit stunned that they weren’t into being chatty.

So what did I do… I turned around, walked away, left ‘em alone.

I think I was more shocked that I didn’t feel as humiliated as I use to feel… and tho I was little shocked myself that this went so badly (I usually get some smiles, couple of words, something), that I basically bombed in front on my friend… I was pretty proud to be able to shrug it off.

Effectively, that was the worst my night got. All of this you guys mentioned here is right on. Just do it, get desensitized to failure, don’t dwell on it, and move on to the next thing as quickly as you can.

One thing did help, I walked up to my friend and I straight up told “I bombed, oh well,” which took the sting out by being upfront. He asked “what they say to you” and I shrugged and said “they were leaving… definitely not chatty, whatever.” And with that we dropped it.

I use to be really bad about this. I still get embarrassed and I’m no seasoned PUA but the difference is that I don’t feel humiliated by simply defusing early, not dwelling and moving on to the next set.

The very next thing that happened to me was we moved to another venue and I looped around the bar quickly, to scope out the groups and I ended up walking to two girls at the corner of a bar that were having a conversation… less than 3 secs later and I simply blurted out with a little bit of fake exasperation “Oh good! I’m so glad I found the two hottest girls at this bar. I don’t want to be seen with just anybody.”

That made them laugh their heads off and from there we broke into conversation, and I ended up with one of their phone numbers.

Yes, it was direct in a bit of a playful manner. Yes, they have a choice, they can either laugh or blow me off for interrupting. That’s the minor risk really, because I didn’t vest anything into it, I didn’t think about it, and it came out perfectly natural.

That was all in the same night. Years ago, I don’t think I could have done that without having read some about this stuff. Great website. Keep it up.

fuckdisko says:

I AM MARRIED she kept saying
maybe yu shou have said ” i am so glad you are “”” what a blessing ” or HE ALLOWS YOU TO GO AND SIT IN PARKS !!What a liberal guy !!! but all things considered two men are better than one imagine one of us two getting tired there is always a stand in

Al says:

Hey Eric,
Many thanks for the articles I’m finding in your “rejection and embarassment” section. It’s awesome to see that I ain’t the only one that has had crash and burns of similar nature. Not only you did, but others who wrote here did.

I once approached a 30′ish woman on a college campus when I was 19 years old. Extremely AFC, no pickup skills. After opening her about her newspaper, I told her she’s cute. She told me exactly what happened to you “I’m married”. It went to shame :-(

LAST WORDS: Another reason it’s great you make these articles is that you help men get rid of magic-bullet syndrome. Basically looking for the effortless instant cure-all. More info here:
http://www.datinggroundwork.com/magicbullet

dave says:

Haha, same thing happened to me. Approached a girl, said hi, and I got “I’m in a relationship”, in front of everyone. I made a total save by replying “Don’t flatter yourself- I wanted to know where the restrooms are”. Some girls are so uppity and presumptuous. You wouldn’t want a girl like that anyways. They’re the type who “know everything”.

missparanoia says:

I did something incredibly stupid in front of a crowd. That incident lasted for probably five to seven minutes. For five to seven minutes, my brain was hiding somewhere.
After that incident, I convinced myself that “hey, everything’s going to be okay, you silly paranoid girl”! I tell myself that I worry about the wrong things. Some people think what I’m worrying about is completely irrational, and I couldn’t do more but agree with them.
However, I can’t help but feel like I’ve ruined my reputation in front of this crowd that I’ll be meeting for almost everyday.
It’s true, I can forget about it sometimes, but even the tiniest related thing can bring it up again, and then suddenly my heart starts pounding as I recall the incident , as if someone had dropped a bomb on me.. What should I do? I need help :(

Mike says:

thanks for posting this great stuff

i find this so great cause it seems like the missing piece
- all the pua’s tell about the tactics and all,

but your posts really help me classify my experiences in the field. So i don’t think ‘i am strange’, ‘there is something wrong with me’ and other thoughts because eg the rejection hurts.

And those people who gave advise on what to say – that’s not the point and i am wondering how many approaches you did last week

Amanda says:

Eric,
I read this and honestly started to cry. I feel for you so much because I’m the same way. It’s so amazing for me to find someone who understands exactly how I feel. In a lot of ways, I have hope that I can overcome this. I try so hard, but this has kept me from getting so many things in my life. I’m only 20, so I have a lot more of life to live yet I’ve missed out on so much because of this flaw. I feel like I’ve overcome it a lot, but in a lot of ways it still haunts me. Reading this helped me a little, but the reality is it’s not going to make it go away overnight. I’m glad I decided to google about this and found this site. Having all of this has made it hard for me to keep a relationship, friendship, job, and education. I have problems with just someone looking at me, too many people being aound me, being randomly talked to, or just.. noticed at all. I feel so nervous, anxious, and my face just burns red. Me being pale doesn’t help that situation either. It gets so bad at times that I can’t breathe and I just want to cry. I recently worked in retail as a cashier, so as you can probably imagine, I had to deal with many people everyday. I overcame it a lot at times, I’ve found that if I keep telling myself ‘it’s okay, you’re going to be fine. they don’t matter.’ that it eventually calms me down, but that only works 40% of the time. I don’t want to be so vulnerable, but it’s really hard for me. I feel so dumb and different. Out of all of the emotions that I feel, all I want is to disappear. But at the same time, I want to be noticed and I don’t want to be alone. If you don’t mind, or if you have time.. I’d really appreciate it if you emailed me or something. It’d be nice to have someone to talk to about it or anyone really who may understand.

Thanks [:

hi,
i am a person towards the healthier side. I was in the basketball court today and a guy named Jasveer started shouting at me for nothing he said ” this fat girl has gone mad throw her out of the court!” . I controlled myself I didn’t speak to him, I didn’t talk to him I didn’t do anything but play basketball , i politely stood there and played basketball like everyday ……. he was shouting at me and everybody was laughing accept a few people with whom i had a problem with . he shouted at me for the last time -” FATSO! dribble the ball!!!!???? ” . tears came out of my eyes and I walked away wiping my tears while going back home I was trying not to cry but the tears won’t stop……….I crossed him at the way to home and he told me-”fatso what happened ???” I told him ” Bhad mei jaa jasveer merko baat nahi karni (meaning:go to hell ,I dont want to talk) while saying this my voice became cranky and tears came out of my eyes and I walked past him . I am 13 years old and I am going to talk to his parents about his behavior ……..I have warned him many times before and this is the only option left for me to come out of this depression otherwise people will take me for granted…… I posted this because It’d be nice to have someone to talk to about it or anyone really who may understand.

Teresa says:

I’m in the choir in church and I me and my friend saw a little boy behaving very badly and I made a really weird noise I was so embrassed I cried the whole way through church

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