After I reach the other side, I turn down the sidewalk toward my apartment. She follows.
I decide to open and turn slightly and say “Are you following me?”
It comes out mean and almost crazy sounding instead of fun and playful. I totally creep the girl out.
From the look of terror in her eyes, I may have well have said “I’m gonna rape you, bitch.”
I try to smile it off but then just turn and walk fast away from her. There’s no way to rescue this. The feeling of creepiness begins to wash over me. Like having been rejected or embarrassed, this feeling is familiar to me, although it doesn’t happen to me as often any more.
All these automatic thoughts start to pop into my head.
“I’m a loser.”
“Holy shit, I suck at this pickup stuff.”
“What the fuck is wrong with me? How could I scare that poor girl like that?”
My mind tries to bind these thoughts to my self-esteem, but I won’t let it. I know that these thoughts will pass. I know that in five or ten minutes when my body calms down, I will feel totally different about things.
It’s amazing. I had an excellent weekend and past few days. I was on a tear. I was unstoppable. And one small move can get you questioning every thing.
But it only lasts a few moments. I know this now. When you get rejected or embarrassed or creeped out, it doesn’t last too long. I didn’t hurt anybody. I don’t give a fvck about what this girl thinks.
Within 15 minutes I am in my apartment and feeling fine. The incident may as well have happened three weeks ago.
I end up just chilling out for the rest of the evening. I call up some girl friends just to chat and say what’s up.
I’ve gotten used to handling these situations and realizing what they mean in my life. It is part of the rocky rollercoaster ride of pickup and non-monagamy. Understanding and handling my fears and challenges and the affects of those fears and challenges, both good and bad.
“All the travails of Love because distances are where the safe reside. Bring to me, It said, continual proof you’ve been alive.” – Stephen Dunn